The Pessimist’s Guide to Neopia: Uber Faeries by cebu_that_meows |  |
FAERIELAND - Hello, everyone! My name is static_meow, or Stat, for short, and
I will be your guide today. But first off, let’s get one thing straight: Yes,
I am a Baby Zafara. I don’t exactly fit the baby stereotype of cute and cuddly,
and if you make any cracks on how adorable and sweet I am I swear I will bite
you. Got it? Good. Let’s get going.
Now, in this article we are going to talk about the Uber Faeries; The ones
who live in Faerieland. We’ll not only talk about their quests, but also about
their looks, personalities, and habits. Get behind the glitz and glamour and
find out how they REALLY are.
We’ll start off with my favorite: The Dark Faerie. She makes her own
rules and doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her. She has awesome purple hair
(which my mother won’t let me have, by the way) and she is the only one of the
Uber Faeries to have claws at the end of her wings. Those things can do some
damage. One thing that disappoints me though is that she is still stuck in her
childhood years. For her quests, she asks for toys. TOYS! I am still desperately
grasping onto that slim ray of hope that she has some evil use for those toys,
and doesn’t just play with them. And she increases your pet’s health after you
complete her quest. She could do something much cooler, like zap your pet Darigan
or Shadow or some other cool color.
Next is the Air Faerie. Know why she’s called that? CAUSE THAT’S ALL
THAT IS IN HER HEAD! Can you say ditz? My guess is that she lies around on a
cloud eating grapes and being fanned all day. She asks that you get her beauty
products, because she probably can’t think of anything more important than that.
In return she makes your pet swifter, despite that fact that this means absolutely
nothing in the battledome. My brother has a movement speed of ‘cheetah’ and
the only place it helps him is when mom makes cookies and he has to be the first
one to get one.
The Earth Faerie’s name is definitely an oxymoron, considering she really
needs to get down to earth. She obviously trapped in the ‘70s, what with the
Afro and how she looks like she’s on her way to a disco. She asks for expensive,
powerful magic items (that are probably collecting dust somewhere, as I have
never personally seen any of her potions) that will probably cost you around
the area of 5,000 neopoints or so. In return, she then makes your pet full,
which would’ve cost you a whopping 100 neopoints. Jinkies, what a deal.
The Water Faerie has a Healing Springs in Faerieland, which is usually
pretty useless. You go there with a disease which has an unbuyable cure and
which causes you to suffer indescribable pain, and she helps you out by giving
you a Snowball. I don’t see how this is, considering I have never seen a freezer
around there (or anywhere in Neopia) that she could store those in. My guess
is all the ‘water’ around there is made up entirely of Snowballs that melted
before she could give them away. For her quests, she asks for books so she can
read about things like walking around without feet and trying to figure out
what messed up disease she has that turned the entirety of both her eyes light
blue.
The Fire Faerie is a real hot head. And no, I wasn’t saying that to
be cute, I’m serious. Catch her at a bad time (usually in the morning when she
has just woken up and looks hideous) and you can guarantee that you’ll have
a fireball coming at your face. Another thing about her is that she’s not a
natural red head. She’s really a blonde. She just thought that the whole red
hair thing would fit better with the fire theme. When you do a quest for her,
she has you get her clothes, because she’s obviously not smart enough to put
some spell on her clothes to make them flame retardant, and she doesn’t want
to use her own money to replace the clothing she burned herself. In return,
she raises your pet’s strength. Strength your pet will need to keep itself from
punching her in the face after she accidentally singes your pet’s fur.
Now we come to the Light Faerie. Light in the head faerie, as I like
to call her. Even though she is supposed to be light and bright, she’s pretty
dim. Many times I have wondered if she is the Air Faerie’s twin sister. They
look nearly identical and both have the same I.Q. level of a small bundle of
sticks. For her quests, she asks for trading cards, which of course doesn’t
sound geeky in the least. When you complete her quest, she raises your pet’s
level, which is actually very helpful. Perhaps the Dark Faerie suggested it
to her.
And last, but not least, the Faerie Queen, Fyora. She’s rather bossy,
snooty, and full of herself (she has TONS of things dedicated solely to her!)
Not much is known about her quests, except for what is found on the quest help
page:
“On rare occasions you will be offered a quest from the most powerful Faerie
of all. Be warned, her challenge will be very tough, but if your pets are up
to it, her rewards are great.”
My guess is she asks for a Faerie Queen Doll, valued around a million neopoints,
to add to her shrine of herself, and gives you a lollipop and pat on the head
in return. It says her rewards are great, but she tends to exaggerate things.
Like that thing about how she is the most powerful Faerie? Puhleese. I know
for a fact that she was held back twice in spell school, and still needs help
from other Faeries to this day. And this is the person running all of Neopia,
folks.
Well, that’s it for me. I’m off to grab my teddy bear and head to beddy
bye…erm…continue to plot my world domination and beg my mother to let me dye
my fur purple. If anyone dares to wake me up…er…bother me, let it be known I
have a ray gun with me at all times.
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