Can't Get No Publication?
|NEOPIA CENTRAL - I am not going to be one of those preachy ‘how to get into the
Neopian Times’ articles. Instead I’m going to guarantee you rejection. Yes, you
heard me! The art of rejection.
I was inspired to write this article by all the authors and artists who have
not been published in the Neopian Times. When the 100th issue of the Neopian
Times came out, I was thinking we shouldn’t just celebrate all those who have
We should also celebrate everyone in Neopia who have had submitted something
to the Times, even though they might not of been successful.
If I’m referring to you, you may not think of this way but just think about
all the time and effort as well as the courage takes to submit something. Even
that can take a lot of guts even for the author that has been published 50 times.
Rejection isn’t always a negative thing and you can learn from it. Whether
you have 50, 2 or however number of trophies you have.
Also the fact, Neopian Times isn’t going to run away some time soon. Don’t
give up! Start flooding the editor with submissions now! (Snowflake flees
I mean that, metaphorically of course.
Author’s Note: None of my article should be taken to heart or too seriously.
It is meant to be all in good fun. :) Also, please note some of these suggestions
were written before the new submission form was released when Times submissions
were submitted via email instead. Old timer, aren’t I?
- Reject your submission before you send it (saves time for the editor later).
- Overuse of dung references (Oh please! That was SO two years ago!)
- Overuse of asparagus references. (It’s funny at first, but hasn’t Adam moved
- Bug Felicia every Friday ? “Is the Times out yet? Is the Times out yet?”
- Toilet humour. (I think the staff are too mature for that. But then again.
Not sure, I have seen quite a bit of ‘potty’ talk slip though the system)
- Draw a comic with your Red Ixi in it with a hot pink ruff, bling bling,
a medieval stage plan tattoo and a tongue stud.
- Send in your History homework instead of your NT submission. (Yes, the editor
wants to know about the Great War rather than the Tyrannian Land War.)
- Assume you are automatically in each week.
- Give your submission an overly long title. Longer than 50 characters is
perfect. (Supercalifragilisticexpi-ali-neo-cious! Is that spelt right??!)
- Don’t include your username because everybody knows you. (Yeah, right!)
- Write an awful rebuttal article with no rebuttals, and just back up the
point of another user.
- Bring on the pound stories! (Unoriginality is such an interesting writing
technique, you must share it with me sometime!)
- Write on a subject that you know nothing about.
- Tell you secretly want her fired so you can apply for her job.
- Articles on the Beauty Contests supporting owners with Gelupes trading votes
with other owners of hybrid characters.
- Make use of controversy, e.g. upset some Jhudora fans, poke fun at Uni stereotypes,
use the word ‘bum’ in a comic (can I use the word ‘bum’ here?) ? take your
- Write an article called “Behind the Celebrity: Darigan Redeemed. An insight
look at how Darigan changed his life after his habit of drinking 20 Man o
Wars a day.”
- Make your comic file size 10MB or more. (Love those 56K modems!)
- Steal other people’s catchphrases (if you don’t like it, Meep, Piffle, Moo
- Draw comics featuring Lennies. (Face it, Lenny owners, no-one likes them
? even the Neopets staff!) (There’s that controversy again!)
- Try writing a submission about Lennies, I almost guarantee that won’t get
- Have a weak continuing series plot, more fragile than a glass rose tied
to a railway track.
- Write a story containing a drive thru, fast food outlet with Fyora digging
into a large side of fries in the back seat of her Faerieland Racer.
- Make ‘how to make neopoints’ articles your speciality. (That’ll get you
- Send in one submission a hundred times. The editor is bound to accept it
- Write a ‘How to Write for the Times’ article when you have never been published.
- Write a love letter to El Picklesaur and ask to ‘pass them on’.
- Rant so much your reader gets bored.
- Overdo ‘quest’ stories. (Gross!)
- Forget to post off the brown envelope full of unmarked bills to the editor.
(That reminds me, , what’s your address?)
- Bad-mouth Neopets games.
- Feature sponsors completing against each other in your story.
- You believe that world domination is an original storyline.
- Put html in your article and send it via e-mail. It will be illegible
at the other end. So much more fun to read for the editor!
- Create an article ‘101 Ways to Hack Neopia or ‘The Scamming Post’.
- Marriage/soppy romance stories (pass the bucket, please).
- Stories with lots of blood and guts are also good (urgh! I shouldn’t have
- Flirting with staff members of either gender.
- Lift jokes off other comics (like anyone will notice!).
- Distort Neocam pictures of Snowflake and send them to her.
- Mention any type of government in your story, including plenty of ‘big brother’
- Submit your flash animated comic as an email attachment but forget to attach
- Submit your comic as an email attachment that has a virus in it.
- Draw a comic that includes a reference to THAT credit card ad.
- Write yet another adventure/quest story to wallpaper Neopets’ office.
- Include threats in your submission to the editor. (‘Thanks for your time.
Publish my submission OR ELSE!)
- Give food poisoning from the fruit basket you sent with your submission.
- Make the editor go blind by making your comic text as small as possible.
9 font will be decent.
- Keep a running count of how many submissions you have had rejected.
- Swear! For Fyora’s sake! Ignore the fact this is a family site.
- Give your submission a 5 minute editing job (or none at all).
- Follow the editor.
- Make your submission unrelated to Neopets. A 20 page thesis on ‘the existence
to life itself’ is just what the editor called for a bit of light reading.
- Use too many inside author jokes. (*cough* Chet Flash.)
- Go heavy on the White Weewoo sap.
- Donna bashing or editorial jokes. You could try doing it tastefully but
you might get your account frozen!
- Try to parody everything and break copyright laws. “Yes, Snarkie, I AM your
- Write too much. Yes, wants to read a 20 chapter novel you wrote over the
- Use cliché plots. “Once upon a time there was a pound pet and her two ugly
- Emphasise in your stock market article, Nigel has a shiny red sports car
(despite technology references) only because he is going through a mid life
crisis. At the age of 22, some people have their serious doubts about it or
he might be just a enthusiastic petrol head.
- Write a submission in chat-speak. (Noooooooooo! An author’s worst nightmare!)
- Don’t save your article because you think it will get in first time.
- Tell you named your pet Rottweiler after her. (Nasty! Too Kule or Too Cruel?)
- In your article on html, tell everyone how to steal source codes.
- Establish with the editor the land of ‘delete’ is your best friend and you
won’t get upset if you are rejected.
- Rely on luck and sucking up to get published. (It works for me!)
- Begin a comic series starring a three headed Dung Faerie.
- Demand the Neopian Times be published daily.
- If all fails, bribery is worth a try. Cookies work wonders. (Digital or
the chocolate chip variety are recommended.)
- Tell the editor NOT to publish your submission. Its not like your ego relies
on being published to be satisfied.
- Overuse particular Neopets as characters in your stories (Aisha, Krawk,
Lupe and Uni ? that means you!)
- Include Seances who discovered places outside Neopia.
- Write an article for newbies even though they probably won’t be able to
read it anyway.
- Question the editor’s intelligence. No-one can be that young, pretty and
brainy all at the same time!
- Insist on a personal response about your submission.
- Poke fun at the editor’s fear of the horrid chat speaking kid called Nick
- Insist the Neopets staff create a customised picture for your story ? and
tell them what it should look like, in detail.
- Create a guild for all the rejected Neopian Times authors out there, then
invite the editor to join so you can have a cosy ‘chat’.
- Sending your submission without paragraph marks even though you know html.
(You think making the editor suffer by reading one huge paragraph, is funny?)
- Feature flying toasters in a primative Tyrannian setting in your story.
- Confuse the editor when you are sending in a collaboration (a submission
worked on by more than 1 person so two people get credit) without adding which
user did what.
- Use other people’s characters without their permission. (Dear regulars,
I hope you don’t mind if I use Al, Magnolia, Ezanna, GoldenRhino, Morgana
in my next story! )
- Draw a controversial Chia-eating Lupe comic.
- In your story, jump from tense to tense faster than Balthazar catching a
faerie in a net.
- Rant for eternity on battledome strategies.
- Write your submission the time of the day when you create your worst pieces
- Type up your submission at 12pm at night when you are tired and are in the
need of coffee. Just like I’m doing right now. So it full of typpppooosss…..*yawn*
- Submit your submission 2 minutes before the Times is going to come out.
- Copy and paste comics go down well when the editor choosing this week’s
comics. They give the ‘you spent how long on this piece of rubbish?’ impression.
- Write stupid articles like this one.
- Do everything possible on this list I’ll guarantee you get rejected (or
I’ll give your dignity back free of charge)
- If your story’s plot is getting out of hand. Do what any author would do,
end the story like it was just a dream.
- Lose the plot! (Not your mind, I mean for your story or series submission)
Make your story full of so many twists and turns you confuse the reader.
- Escriba su sumisión por los tiempos de Neopian en el español. (Translation:
Write your submission for the Neopian times in Spanish.)
- Bag out other users in your submission.
- Submit your tribute for the 150th Neopian times issue. Yes, 20 issues too
late would be a great help.
- Make a Quote of the Week up without submitting anything else.
- Try sending your submission to the Art Gallery’s email address.
- Write one word under the minimum article word limit.
- Draw a comic that’s spoils every Neopian’s vision of “What Chet Flash looks
I would just like to thank everyone for all the support to be able to hit
50 NT trophies. I hope to reach the magic 100 milestone, one day. Lets hope
my inner rejection demon doesn’t eat me inside.