Also by too_kule
NEOPIAN TIMES HQ -
Tracy: Good evening, and welcome to the Neopian Times Headquarters,
home of the NT National News. This is anchor Tracy Paper-Twelve.
TK: And I'm her co-anchor, TK Knomb-Earner. Good evening.
Tracy: We're here to give you the best in Neopian news. Our rivals,
the New Features and the Neopian News Brief, will cower before us as we continue
our heck-bent plan for domination of teaching people things about Neopia. Here
is TK with our top story.
TK: Early this morning, a swarm of furious protesters stormed the street
in front of the Toy Shop. They were there to express their disapproval for one
piece of said shop's merchandise. "It's hideous! Items like these should never
be produced," one Tonu proclaimed, to the cheers of many others. "My son took
one look at it and had nightmares for two weeks straight." Consequently, the
Number Six Plushie has been retired.
Tracy: Latest: Edna is reported to have turned an entire room of beauty
specialists into Greebles, after being turned down for a face cream advertisement.
Blem-X stated, "We were looking for a model who was slightly less... green."
But the witch wouldn't take no for an answer. "My friends often tell me I don't
look a day older than 340," she said at a press conference, before turning everyone
there into Greebles as well. Just for the heck of it.
TK: A new study tells us that green Kacheeks born the second day after
a full moon who live in the south-western region of Happy Valley are more liable
to get Sneezles after drinking two and a half cans of Diet Neocola than white
Lupes who were born during the month of Hunting. Another study claims that 96%
of all researchers have too much time on their hands.
Tracy: In recent news, a new version of Gormball has been released.
Instead of tossing around a harmless ball filled with water, the ball with be
filled with concentrate hydrochloric acid. Who says Virtupets don't know how
to have a good time?
TK: On Tuesday, it was reported that Brucey B discovered a slice of
Chocopie behind his sofa. Well, we all know what this means. The Lost Dessert
has been found. Now, here's Tracy with the weather!
Tracy: Well TK, I'm forecasting a 95% chance of lies and phony weather
TK: More than twenty-thousand Neopets have been hospitalized after
they tried to eat Kreludor. Pfft, and people keep saying there are too
many books in Neopia.
Tracy: Latest News - A Speech Therapy class has been set up in the
Haunted Woods. Residents such as the Esssophager and Ssssydney will be able
to get the professional help they truly don't deserve.
TK: TODAY THE ANNUAL PETPET STARING CONTEST GETS UNDERWAY! SPARDEL AND
ROCK CURRENTLY FACING OFF! THE SPARDEL PHASES OUT THE ROCK... BUT THE ROCK HOLDS
STRONG... THE ROCK PSYCHES THE SPARDEL OUT... AND... AND... MAN, THIS IS SO
Tracy: A horrible disease is rapidly spreading Neopia, and has been
classified as "Capslockism". We still haven't found the cure for TK yet.
Tracy: In NeoDaq news, the Stock Market rose this weekend. Investors
have tried shaking the tree, poking it with a stick, and trying to lure it with
some freshly smoked Pfish to get it down.
TK: RUN! HIDEOUS MUTANTS ARE ATTACKING NEOPIA! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Tracy: Florg goes on a diet: after putting on alot of weight recently,
Florg has decided it's time to cut Petpets out of his diet. "Sure, they taste
good, but they're murder on your waistline. If only they came in low fat varieties..."
His nutritionalistician was recommending a diet of vegetables and gruel... until
Florg ate him too.
TK: It seems that Taelia the Snow Faerie has shut herself in her home
on Terror Mountain. Friends claim she has recently gained a large amount of
weight and does not want to be seen. I, for one, suspected this after she asked
for four Chocolate Coated Hot Dogs for a spell.
Tracy: Petpetpetpets - The latest craze to hit Neopia! Wait until you
see the look of excitement on your pet's petpet's petpet... oh, forget it!
TK: Yesterday, a swarm of transmogrified Buzzes swooped down upon Neopia!
They attacked all of its major landmarks, annihilating them. We don't even know
Tracy: Probably because you haven't invented it yet.
TK: Hehe... yeah... Yesterday, a Neopian scientist made the discovery
that the cave paintings in the Tyrannian Jungle actually may not be genuine.
His strongest argument was that the Blumaroo in the corner was holding a pocket
Meerca Chase game.
Tracy: Just in! It appears the amount of personal attacks in articles
has risen 50% over the last 6 months. I blame TK. Stupid, smelly TK. Who smells.
TK: The Flotsam who runs the Wheel of Mediocrity has sadly passed on.
Apparently he wasn't being sarcastic: he really couldn't take all that
Tracy: Spell or Starve has undergone major renovations. For one, it's
true to its name. Spell your words wrong, and watch that cheese omelette disintergrate
before your very eyes. Harsh, but it gives a good incentive to spell properly.
Perhaps they should set up "Use Good Grammar or Starve" in the Neoboards.
TK: When I'm not giving Neopians the news they love to hear, you can
always see me eating a cool, mouth-watering slice of Small Chokato Pie. Perfect
blend of chokato and crust - and is that a hint of Ummagine I taste? Yeah, the
best Ummagine around... I think I could go for a second helping; it's that yummy!
Oh, and in unrelated news, the NT National News has picked up a new sponsor:
the Neopian Bakery.
Tracy: Shocking news in the media industry! Sloth is reforming his
band "Frankie and The Minions". However some feel this might not be a wise career
move, as last time they were around, their biggest selling piece of merchandise
was "Frankie and The Minions Brand Ear Protectors"
TK: A mass recall on Toe Nail Soup was issued today. Apparently, a
cup full of toilet water had been added to the concotion, making any drinkers
liable to contract fourteen diseases from the soup, instead of the usual eleven.
As we all know, that'd be a terrible, terrible thing.
Tracy: It's been confirmed: Neoschools will be released this week FOR
SURE NO MATTER WHAT. Better get ready to tell your grandchildren...
if you're still around.
TK: This just in: Snowflake, the Neopian Times editor, just happens
to be smart, kind, nice, witty, fun, and an all-around spiffy person!
Tracy: TK, Snowflake is NOT going to make you the co-editor.
TK: Oh, pffsh...
Tracy: UPDATE! The Snowager has gone into anger management. After much
nagging and complaining from Momma Snowager, he has finally decided to try a
professional approach to his unbridled rage.
TK: A recent NT National News poll claims that 100% of the voters say
yours truly is the most handsome writer ever to grace the Neopian Times. Hehe...
Tracy: But why doesn't the poll say how many votes were cast? And who
they were cast by?
TK: Er... we're running out of time, folks, so I'll just cut past the
space-fillers. Something about the Space Station crashing... Fyora apparently
being held hostage... Ice Caves are melting from the inside... okay, that's
it. Our final story of the evening: Doglefoxes and Flouds can now be painted
yellow at the Petpet Puddle!
Tracy: I wonder how they got those pets yellow...
TK: And that concludes the NT National News. I truly hope you've learned
a lot about Neopia this evening. Catch us next week, when we'll be broadcasting
Tracy: There won't be a next week, TK. The Neopian Times only funded
us for one article.
TK: Really? Oh. Er... this is too_kule, signing off from the Neopian
Times HQ. Over and out.
Tracy: And this is Tracypaper12, doodling smilies on the side of this
article. See you :) :( ^_^ :P