You know, some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.
At least not for me. You see, today was a no-good, horrible, rotten day, and it’s
all because of that dumb faerie Illusen.
You see, today, Illusen ruined our house. Well,
Illusen, Taelia, and Fyora. We live in a nice, two-story house in Faerieland,
just around the corner and down the street from the Hidden Tower. All these
faeries were friends and came over to the Hidden Tower every Tuesday night for
JubJub blackjack and Orange Ixi Drink. This specific night, Illusen was in a
daring mood and decided to try out a special new recipe for Earth Faerie Brownies.
Let me tell you something. Illusen may be a very
nice faerie. She may be charm itself. But the girl does NOT know how to cook.
In fact, these brownies were such an abomination that none of the faeries would
eat them. Fyora choked and spat hers out onto a plate, and turned an unflattering
shade of puce. So Taelia picked up that platter and marched right back into
Fyora’s kitchen, and dumped the brownies down the sink.
So later on, Fyora is doing the dishes. She accidentally
drops a spoon down the drain. She reaches down to grab it, and,- surprise!-
meets the remains of the brownies. However, these aren’t ordinary brownies any
more. They have met the remains of everything else Fyora has dumped down the
sink. Mouldy cheese, old shrimp, nasty chicken- not appetizing stuff. So when
Fyora reached down that drain, she really wasn’t expecting her old garbage to
But it did.
She screamed. She made such a racket, that, her
good friend Lise, down at the Wheel of Excitement, heard her. Lise rushed down,
saw Fyora screeching her head off in the kitchen, and did the only thing she
She screamed too.
Now all this time, this thing down in the drain
is wondering what all the hullabaloo is about. He was just enjoying a nice nap
down in the drain, when a rather sharp-nailed hand pokes him in the eye. He
simply gives a growl of pain- and this voice starts wailing.
This thing is rather curious about whatever is
making the noise. It has no choice but to slither out of the drain and show
Fyora has never really been known for her braveness.
But when this... THING came sliming its way slowly out of the garbage disposal,
it was too much. She fainted dead away.
Lise, all this time, had been silently watching
the proceedings. After a few seconds’ scream, she tried to help Fyora calm down,
but it was no help. So when her friend fainted, the light faerie was stuck holding
Fyora up and glaring at a thing that looked to her like a Sludgy covered in
* * *
Meanwhile, back at our house, things are relatively quiet. My owner Tallulah
was making a shopping list. My sister Natasha was making a list of things she
wanted for her birthday, and my brother Zach and I were playing checkers on
“King me!” he cheered, as he moved a piece to
the back row.
“No way, Toast-for-brains. It was my move.” I
moved the piece back and easily made a triple-jump.
“Never mind. I don’t want to play any more.”
“Zach!” I said indignantly. “You are such a wimp!
You just want to quite because you’re losing.”
Zach made a surrendering motion with his hooves-
(he’s a Darigan Ixi)- and moved another piece. I took a swig of soda, and carefully
considered my move.
Zach rolled over and grinned playfully. “Got
ya stumped, huh, Sis?”
“Oh, shut up.” I moved a piece, but it was for
naught; Zach got a king the next move anyhow. He cheered, but suddenly sat up
“What’s that noise?”
I listened, and sure enough, I could hear a thump-thump-thump
coming from the dining room area. But I deduced it to be Zach’s petpet Drackobunny.
“Oh, probably just Safsaf.”
“But isn’t Safsaf right there?” He pointed across
And it was then that I figured out that we were
in deep poo.
* * *
Back in her glade in Meridell, Illusen ran a comb through her long, red hair,
popped a berry in her mouth, and sighed. This was a great day. Quests had been
quiet, and not one irate Jhudora enthusiast had come knocking at her door. She
was free to do whatever she wanted, which was exactly what she intended to do.
She pulled out a copy of the Neopian Times and flipped to an article on Page
Two, which nearly took her breath away.
“OUTDATED BATTLEDOME WEAPON SOLD AS COMESTIBLE”
Uh-oh, though the Earth Faerie. Have
we got some patching up to do.
* * *
The Thing had slowly slithered out of the Hidden Tower, down the street, and
around the corner. Nobody noticed it- for one thing, it was fairly small, and
for another, it simply looked like a Petpet covered in trash.
It spotted a house. The door was slightly ajar,
and it looked like a nice place. Leaving behind a trail of sludge as it past,
the Thing cruised the den, leaving the fluffy plush carpet filthy. It tried
out couches and chairs. Once the den was covered in filth, the thing went on
to the next room, and did the same thing. And the next room, and the next, until
it came to the kitchen.
It slithered up onto the counter, and slimed
along, knocking everything off as it passed. Thump. Thump. Thump. Suddenly,
it heard another kind of thump-thump-thump, the approaching footsteps
kind. It quickly squirmed into the drain, and stayed there, hidden.
* * *
Zach and I sped off in the direction of the dining room. When a close inspection
found it to be empty, we entered the kitchen.
That was Zach and me in perfect unison. The counters
and floor were COVERED in some kind of mud, and the room REEKED. Seriously.
It smelt as if someone had left the contents of an entire fridge out on the
counter for a week.
“That is dis-GUS-”
“You don’t need to say it, Zach.”
I looked at the floor in disdain. So did Zach.
I pointed firmly at the silverware on the floor. Zach sighed and stepped daintily
through the sludge, and picked up the silverware. He picked his way over to
the sink and dumped it in, but a spoon escaped down the drain. He reached down
and grabbed it, but suddenly his eyes widened, this face went white beneath
his dark fur, and he croaked several unintelligible words. I looked at him hard,
but no other sound came out.
At just that moment, Tallulah chose to come into
the kicthen for a light snack. Her face registered no understanding of the situation,
as her eyes took in the catastrophe that was her kitchen.
* * *
Illusen entered the Hidden Tower, and slipped into a back room where Fyora
lay on a Nova Sofa while Lise fanned her with a makeshift fan made from the
latest copy of the Neopian Times.
“Oh! Illusen. I’m so glad you’re here. You see,
the weirdest thing just happened! I was-”
Illusen cut her off. “I know about it. And I’m
sure you’ll be wanting an explanation, now.”
Fyora furrowed her brow. “Um, okay, that’s fine,
Illusen reached for the copy of the Times. “Let
me show you something.”
* * *
I sat in the Entry Hall, with Zach by my side. Tallulah was giving us the Third
Degree, but we knew NOTHING. Or, at least, that’s what we were trying to convey
to Tallulah. I had decided not to mention Zach’s little encounter with whatever-it-was
in the sink, and I think he had the same idea.
Just as Tallulah was gathering steam and about
to go off on one of her long rants, we were saved by the bell! Or the knock,
as we don’t actually have a doorbell, but whatever.
Tallulah opened the door and on our step stood
Illusen, Fyora, and Lise.
“Can we speak with you for a moment?” asked Illusen
briskly. She was holding a rolled up copy of the Neopian Times in one hand and
hand the other one planted firmly on her hip.
“Er, sure!” said Tallulah the ever-so-perky,
opening the door wider. The faeries showed themselves in.
I had the distinct feeling that we were about
to get some answers.
* * *
Illusen strode after Tallulah, as she showed the faerie to the kitchen. The
Earth faerie asked Tallulah, “Do you have a couple ladles?”
Tallulah produced the utensils. Illusen took
them, and thinking for a few seconds, stuck them down the drain. When she brought
them up, they contained what looked like mud mixed with garbage. It bubbled
“Have you got a large bowl?” she asked.
Tallulah brought her the bowl, and Illusen poured
the mess in. She covered it with another bowl, and without speaking, carried
it back to the study, one room which had been left untouched by the slime.
Finally, some answers.
Illusen began. “Did any of you read the Neopian
Times this week?”
“No.” “Nope.” “Well, it did just come out YESTERDAY...”
Illusen held up her hand for silence. “Well,
then none of you would have seen this article.” She opened the paper to a certain
page, and read aloud.
“Reports that several bags of Chia Flour have
been spotted in the Meridell Rubbish Dump have been confirmed. These items are
extremely old and should have been discarded several years ago. Anyone who sees
these items in the dump should refrain from taking them, as these items are
well past their figurative sell-by date and could be dangerous.”
She folded the paper and looked at us. We looked
back blankly. She crossed her arms and tapped her foot, and finally spoke.
“Um, are any of you getting this?”
Then Fyora spoke. “Oh, for Pete’s sake! Genius
here used my spoiled Chia Flour to cook some brownies, which mutated, and that’s
what slimed up your house.”
We all stared at Fyora, who in turn tapped her
foot and stared at Illusen as if to say, Right, serf, do something about
And do something she did. Illusen simply blinked
twice and snapped her fingers. There came a terrible noise from the other end
of the house, and I rushed to the window and look out in horror.
The slimy rooms were lifting off their foundation...
but the fine rooms over them, on the next floor, were also. Illusen cocked her
head, and the top-floor rooms fell to the ground with a resounding CRRASH! And
that was the end of that end of the house.
Fyora looked at Illusen furiously. Illusen giggled
and looked down at her feet. And all of a sudden, Fyora rushed Illusen, Illusen
jumped out the window, and Lise and Fyora followed. And that was the last we
saw of them.
* * *
Most Neopians can’t believe that I don’t like Illusen like everyone else. I
mean, NOBODY understands why I shredded my Illusen poster with a fork. There
are Illusen Fan Clubs, Illusen this, Illusen that at my school. I don't belong
to any of them. Tallulah worked long and hard for those Darigan paint brushes,
and this Shoyru is going to wear hers with pride, because, let's face it: ILLUSEN
BAD, JHUDORA GOOD!