|also by stoneman3x
(Author’s Note: Insults in this article are all in fun, Stone and Plushie don’t
usually fight like bitter rivals. Or do they?)
Also by Stoneman3x
Let me introduce to you to two different Neopians from under the orange sun.
There’s Stoneman3x, a Male Tyrannian Meerca. Thick-headed regular comic writer
with a head full of stones. Who wouldn't know a joke, if it bite them in the
Then there’s Plushieowner, an Alien Aisha from Virtupets who thinks she’s a
Neopian Times Writer but how can she be? With a brain full of stuffing. Ah,
that's why they call her Plush.
Here’s the situation. So there’s this Tyrannian guy who wants to write an article
about Kass, Skarl and the Meridell War. Something about a Skarl/Kass debate
informing Neopia about blah, blah. I’m sure that would of been a sure fire read,
as exciting as spending a Friday afternoon watching the grass grow in my Neogarden.
Whereas the Virtupets girl is dead set in her ways on writing an article about
why the Tyrannian male is too silly to recognise a good idea when he sees one
and wants to write about Neopet wars instead.
(Inside Tyrannian Male’s mind: My idea rocks! Fear my L337 debating skills!
Inside Virtupets Female’s mind: Doesn't this guy know the topic of the Meridell
War is as stale as a bit of mouldy old bread. He is all rolled up in his yeasty
Though the Tyrannian Neopet has learnt that he shouldn’t waste his steam (he
needs it -- just case the heating system in his Neohome breaks down) arguing
with the Virtupets Neopet. The Tyrannian Meerca decides to wimp out because
he's been trained to wimp out.
Meanwhile, the Virtupets Aisha gloats gleefully of her superiority because
all pets of Male species (especially of the Tyrannian kind) are total wimps
when it comes to the greater female species.
“You won’t even take a reasonable idea from me. You don’t. Like my idea,” the
Meerca just grumbles and snorts a few times. Then he flops lazily into his lounge
chair complete with cup holders.
“No, I love it. You can be Kass. I’ll be Skarl. Fair enough, Stoney,” the Virtupets
girl proclaims as the Tyrannian guy’s face lights up for a second. In excitement
he starts to gather up all his Kass pictures scattered amidst a pile of messy
(Note: The Tyrannian Male actually HAS a collection of every pic of Kass he
can find. Compared to the Virtupets Female who simply has a collection of every
pic she thinks is ‘rare and exclusive’ no matter what it is. To hold onto and
pass onto generations to come.)
This picture doesn’t remind you of anything, Stoney?
“How did you guess? You wouldn't be offended if I admit your idea, is.. How
can I put it politely... kind of dumb. No offence.” The Virtupets girl comes
out and expresses exactly what she really thinks about his article idea.
The Tyrannian Neopet blows his nose on his ‘I love Kass’ cushion, trying to
hide his soft, macho exterior. Almost instantaneously, the Virtupets Neopet
turns into a pile of emotional mush as well. Guess she couldn’t bare to see
a Tyrannian Meerca cry. Yet the ironic thing, is her species always to poke
fun of the other species.
So after much hysteria, they both surprisingly end up making a compromise by
combining the two ideas to produce something worth publishing. There’s no ‘I’
in teamwork but that is not the point I’m trying to make.
From reading this story, I bet you are probably thinking about how the Neopian
‘battle of the species’ is such complex and confusing thing to understand.
So to get more into the complex mind of a typical
Virtupets Female Neopet and of a typical Tyrannian Male Neopet, we throw that
task to resident psychologist (budget cuts mean a second rate, Al the Chia wannabe)
to find out more about the ‘battle of the species’.
They asked the same series of questions (from normal questions to picture association)
to a Neopet of the female series, as well as to a Neopet of the male species.
Here are the results and an overall comparison of the lives of both species
But before we get to that, lets start off with the model of what the average
female and male Neopet is portrayed as.
Virtupets Female’s Stereotype:
She can't fold or read a map. But she knows origami.
She can't plan a 11 part war. Yet can plan a 3 course meal without fuss. She
knows she will be probably stuck serving 'the man of the Neohome' for the next
Her matching personal organiser and calendar are welded to her hips. Just in
case she can squeeze a social life between ‘making dinner’ and ‘mending a hole
in his Lucky Green Boots’.
She spends her life dusting around the 'battle potato' and cleaning up his
mess all the time. His bedroom looks like a Ghostkerbomb has hit it. Her only
real personal time to herself is reading trashy, gossip magazines about the
Lifestyles of the Affluent and Illustrious.
Tyrannian Male’s Stereotype:
Lazy, primitive beast with one mono brow and believes in wearing his loin cloth
for a week without washing it. He believes in long walks on the beach as long
as it involves wrestling with Kois.
Or for the lazy guy who can’t be bother to read this description, here’s Stone’s
shorten version. Tyrannian Male: Two words: Loin cloth.
What do you think of the war trophy?
Tyrannian Male: I am gonna whip those evil purple guys single-handedly for
the honour of all Meridell. Everyone will know I am a war hero by the number
of opponents I have faced!
Virtupets Female: Ooooo! Shiny! Can I keep it even if it says zero?
Do you fold or scrunch your toilet paper?
Virtupets Female: Excuse me, what kind of question is that to ask a lady? *whispers*
I fold, what do I look like an animal? And what is this? The stone age? My Neohome
has indoor plumbing.
Tyrannian Male: Er, toilet paper? I use leaves, absorbent and cheap.
What is first thing, you think about when you think of Meridell War?
Tyrannian Male: Hubba, hubba. Court Dancer. Er, yeah the Battledome fighting.
Virtupets Female: Oh... Jeran...*swoons and faints* I hope they don't kill
him off. That bluff Darigan is so shiny, he doesn't need a mirror.
What do you think of the destruction in Meridell?
Virtupets Female: It's horrible! The shops are all destroyed! Think of the
poor shopkeepers who lost their shops.
Tyrannian Male: Destruction? Oh... I thought it was just a public holiday and
every place has closed.
What is the meaning of life?
Tyrannian Male: 42 omelettes. Urrrrp!
Virtupets Female: Look it up in a dictionary.
Describe yourself in four words.
Virtupets Female: Not tolerant of stupidity.
Tyrannian Male: Ugg. Gotta bad headache.
Virtupets Female: Hey! Tyrannian, I can describe yourself for you. “Can not
What is your favourite way to make Neopoints?
Virtupets Female: Buying rare items in the shops and selling them at a huge
Tyrannian Male: The Money Tree.
Virtupets Female:You can't make any decent amount of Neopoints that way.
Big party and food is everywhere. How do you clean up such a big mess?
Tyrannian Male: Me, crush food into carpet even more with club. *grunts heavily*
Virtupets Female: I scrub the floor with a brush.
What do you think of the Court Dancer?
Virtupets Female: Another example of how males use females to further their
own sleazy ambitions!
Tyrannian Male: Cute, except for when she morphs into a hideous looking sea
monster when the spell’s broken.
What do you think of Darigan Redeemed?
Tyrannian Male: I don't believe for one second Darigan is on the side of "good".
He has something sinister up those batwings of his.
Virtupets Female: Oooo... washboard muscles! He’s the type of guy that can
help me bring in the washing! *pokes the fat sack of potatoes on couch*
What do you make of this picture?
Virtupets Female: He's eaten too many bean burritos.
Tyrannian Male: Hey, I was about to say that. ROTFL!!!!!!
Virtupets Female: Well don't make a mess on the carpet. I just cleaned up.
Miss Fyres, back me up on this.
Tyrannian Male: Miss Fyres! Clean up Aisle Number Four!
What do you think of the "Fall of Jeran"?
Virtupets Female: It was so sweet! That last letter to his sister, Lisha! I
cried and cried -- it was so sweet and so sad!
Tyrannian Male: You expect me to believe an Aisha and a Lupe are brother and
sister? Get real!
If you were trapped on a Neopian island somewhere, what three things would
Tyrannian Male: Three maids. One cook, one cleaner and one for eye candy.
Virtupets Female: Musicals, madness and magic.
Do you have a piece of advice to the opposite of gender?
Virtupets Female: Backwax to get rid of those unsightly hairs.
Tyrannian Male: Before nagging, make sure you pick the spinach out of your
teeth. Us guys, hate it when ‘things’ get ugly.
What are you thinking at the moment?
Tyrannian Male: Want socks. Need socks. Must eat socks, er I mean steak.
Virtupets Female: Should I tell him he was a visible panty line wearing that
A ‘Day of the Life Of’ Comparison of Both Species
Male Neopet’s To-Do List:
Hit snooze button.
Hit snooze button.
Hit snooze button.
Hit snooze button.
Breakfast: Today's selection: Gargaraptor Arm. Raw.
Check out Tyrannian Weaponry Shop.
Check out Bazaar Battle Magic Shop.
Check out Ice Crystal Weapons Shop.
Check out Haunted Weaponry Shop.
Check out Lost Desert Battle Supplies Shop.
Check out Space Weaponry Shop.
Check out Space Armour Shop.
Check out Hidden Tower.
Check out Battledome Chat Board.
Lunch: Today's selection: Sporkle Leg. Raw.
Play Whack-A-Kass three times.
Play Neoquest II for six hours.
Dinner: Today's selection: Tomato Chia. Raw.
Bedtime: Remember to set alarm to get to the weapons shops early.
Female Neopet’s Made To-do List:
Wake up. Hit Tyrannian Meerca.
Brush hair before anyone sees how much I resemble a Fuzzle.
Pick a dress, that doesn't make my pitchfork look big.
Organise daily schedule.
Fuss over schedule.
Fix up and tidy Tyrannian guy’s bed. While he is sleeping it.
Make breakfast and eat it, then brush teeth.
Make Tyrannian man's breakfast. Pretend to accidentally burn toast as usual.
Bake the battle potato for 40 seconds. Turn the Neohome heater up full blast
to make the male suffer.
Make lunch. Throw together some scraps from last night, he won’t notice.
Go shopping at Food Shop and Tyrannian Food Shop. (I hate picky eaters. Why
do I have to cook two separate meals?)
Make dinner for him, while he is glued to the couch. Throw together a quick,
tasteless green salad for myself.
Go to bed, no time or energy for a social life.
Favourite Paint Brush Color:
Virtupets Female: Faerie... no... Robot... no, wait that's not a paint brush...
definitely Faerie... but Rainbow is nice too...
Tyrannian Male: You're kidding me, right?
Favourite Neohome Location:
Virtupets Female: Mystery Island is so warm and lovely... a real paradise...
of course, Meridell is very nice too...
Tyrannian Male: Now I KNOW you're kidding.
Favourite Neopets Item:
Virtupets Female: Any gourmet food I can feed to my darling pets! Preferably
Tyrannian Male: A Pirate Krawk.
Virtupets Female: That's not an item, you fool. It's a pet.
Tyrannian Male: You BUY a Krawk Petpet. You BUY a Pirate Paint Brush. Those
are ITEMS. A Pirate Krawk is an item you can make yourself without going to
the Cooking Pot.
Virtupets Female: With a mind as dangerous as yours, I can see why your pet
Meerca also carries a spear for protection.
Virtupets Female: Faellie or Ona.
Tyrannian Male: Slorg.
Virtupets Female: Illusen! She's so down-to-earth!
Tyrannian Male: Balthazar.
Virtupets Female: Balthazar is not a faerie! He CAPTURES faeries!
Tyrannian Male: Fine. Whatever. Jhudora.
Virtupets Female: You're just saying Jhudora because I said Illusen!
Tyrannian Male: Bingo, baby cakes.
Favourite Neopets Game:
Virtupets Female: Meepit Juice Break! You can fill up these cute widdle petpets
with different juices and...
Tyrannian Male: Feed Florg.
Virtupets Female: I really despise you.
Tyrannian Male: Okay... Feed Florg.
Favourite Neopets Trophy:
Virtupets Female: Neopian Times.
Tyrannian Male: Neopian Times.
Virtupets Female: Wait! We agree on something? Does not compute... does not
Tyrannian Male: What was the question again?
So what was the point of this article you may ask?
Tyrannian Male: What was the question again?
Virtupets Female: That's it! I'm never writing an article with you again!
Neopian Times Editor: Reject... reject... reject...