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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 16th day of Relaxing, Yr 21
The Neopian Times Week 139 > Articles > One Article, Two Articles, Red Article, Blue Article

One Article, Two Articles, Red Article, Blue Article

by grape_luvver

A BENCH IN THE PARK - If you read the Neopian Times (and I’ll give some good odds you do!), chances are you are aware of the large mass that is articles. If you read them all, you are also aware that I used that opening before. But, hey, reduce, reuse, recycle, eh??

Look at the orange oval above this article. Move your mouse towards it, and click on the word "articles". WAIT! No, not now!! Wait until you've finished reading this one!!

My point is, when you do, you will find a large amount of, yep, you guessed it, articles. Articles about wars. Articles about games. Articles about how to write articles. And now, an article about how many articles there are.

Don’t get my wrong, articles are great things. They make an excellent way to express one’s opinion, to help a needy person out, or to share how great asparagus and onions are.

This article is a guide to the various articles of the Neopian Times: Guides, Interviews, Asparagus, Opinions, and Conspiracies.

1. Guides

You've seen 'em. You're seeing one now. Guides to things from how to write to how to scratch behind your ear to how to play a game correctly. Most of these are, indeed, useful. But there remains a question as to the definite definition of a definitive guide, by definition. Well, here it is. An article is anything that:

  • Helps you make something.
  • Helps you play something.
  • Helps you say something.
  • Helps you do something.
  • Helps you eat something
  • Helps you turn around three times, touch your toes with your nose, sweep the floor with your hair, hang from the ceiling and do the boogie dance -- at the SAME TIME!!
  • Helps you to comprehend this article.

Basically, anything that helps you do something.

So how do you know if one is worth reading?? If its purpose is to help you with something you can do, but not very well, you cannot do, and would like to learn how, or you spilt spaghetti sauce on, then it is worth reading. If none of those apply, then it really is of no use to you.

2. Interviews

An interview is an article that features somebody talking to somebody else, usually one of them a reporter and one of them an illustrious Neopian face. Usually most of these are fabricated, so they express the writer's opinion, or are simply there for recreation.

And what’s the big deal about illustrious faces? I mean, sure, its great to have an illustrious face, but just a plain face is not sufficient. Where would the food be digested?? The answer is obvious in that case, but then comes the difficult question: Where does the brain go in such a case?? Well, after you become illustrious, I guess its not that important to have one.

I rarely read interviews, because they are purely subjective, but presented in the form of a real life event. Thus, subjectively speaking, the subject is subject to subjective changes of subject to an entirely new subject which is itself subjectively subject to subjective changes of subject. But it is purely a subjective matter of opinion.

Say it ten gagillion bazzillion million quadrillion zillion trillion thousand hundred ten and a half times as fast as you can. But don’t spill your spaghetti on this article! The last thing you need is to make it seem worth reading.

3. Asparagus

Yummy. Not like nasty grapes. Somehow everybody seems to think I like grapes. Geez. Where could anybody get that idea?? Asparagus is the real deal!! Asparagus! Asparagus! Asparagus! GO BIG A! GO BIG A! GO BIG R! GO BIG D! GO BIG V! GO BIG A! GO BIG R! GO BIG K!

Hold on. Go big aardvark??? See what happens when I get distracted??

Mind you, those ants can get annoying, and a big aardvark around to handle them would not be too bad. As long as he does not eat the asparagus. That would be bad. You’d need to hire a new aardvark.

4. Opinion

Onions are good, too. I mean, opinions. But in my opinion an onion is good. Anyway, back on topic (or as close to it as I ever was).

An article meant simply to express someone’s opinion, of someone expresses the right opinion in the right way, is a great thing. An article that shows how someone feels about the Jelly Defender (oops, he doesn't exist...) is good. Personally, I don't really like articles that show characters such as Dr. Frank Sloth as soft and loving. Can't anyone face the facts?? Evil, I tell you, evil! Evil, evil, evil, evil, EVIL, EVIL!! But that is just my opinion. When reading about someone’s opinion, you are entitled to your own opinion.

Everyone does have an opinion, even about onions. I mean, think about it: Neopia is full of people, each of which, we must hope, is human, give or take a few specie. And each of these humans (or almost humans) must, at some point, eat. When it boils down to that, these, err… individuals are given the option of whether or not to eat onions. This relies upon opinion. The option to eat onions relies upon opinion of onions.

Don’t even get me started on spinach puffs.

My point is, anyone’s opinion is completely acceptable, no matter what way it might turn out. It is also that onions are acceptable as well, almost any way, except if they are frozen stiff, or burned to a crisp the size of a petpetpetpetpetpetpetpetpet. At this rate, we will have those in time. I can foresee some of the names already: Red Elementary Particle, Blue Atom, and Green Molecule.

Okay, so I’ll admit, I don’t really have a point. Except for that part about onions. There that’s set in stone.

5. Conspiracy

There are also articles that accuse certain things of conspiracy. These are conspiracies themselves, friends! If you should ever read an article accusing something of a conspiracy, it is a conspiracy! Stop reading it at once!


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