A SUBURBAN NEONEIGHBOURHOOD - Have you ever complained about the prices and quality
of Neohomes? Or do you just like to cheat authorities? If option two applies,
shame on you, that's morally wrong! However, if you don't necessarily want to
cheat but can't afford a home, welcome to the world of the dishonest, friend.
The following is a guide to not only snatching free or cheap homes, but snatching
good-quality ones, too. So enjoy the informativeness and slight insanity contained
in this article - because who knows, it just could help you find a dwelling
that doesn't involve wasted Neopoints, or looking up at the stars wondering
where the moon is. We all know the moon will appear someday -- if, that is,
the Neogods aren't distracted or busy like they usually are... *ahem* Anyway,
on with the show.
HOUSE TYPE ONE: A Roomy Cave
To live in such a wonderfully frightening world of darkness as this, you'll
need to do three things. The first is to prepare your strongest pet for battle,
the second is to purchase a bag of Chia Flour and some candles, and the third
is to get me a Neocola (hey, after all this hard work, don't I deserve at least
some recognition?). After striving to complete these goals, you must venture
to the Tyrannian Plateau with your well-armoured pet and the Chia Flour, and
sneak into Lair of the Beast. Once you enter the darkness of the hole at the
end of the cave, wildly throw Chia Flour everywhere and you'll see that the
"Beast" has transformed into a tiny Chia. Conquer its puny body, and you'll
have the blackness all to yourself. Peace and quiet at last.
PROS: No one will ever bother you in this chilling series of tunnels.
CONS: However, the shadows might get to you, too, after a while.
HOUSE TYPE TWO: A Dung Fort
Firstly, buy as much dung as possible; a thousand piles should do. For a more
cost-effective method of getting the grossness of your dreams, visit the Meridell
Rubbish Dump or feed a Skeith a lot of corn and encourage him not to flush when
he does his business. Now you're ready to construct a turd-ific house, free
of charge! Just don't forget to wash your hands afterwards.
PROS: Perfect for pun-loving folks.
CONS: If people hold their nose up inside this beauty, it's not because they're
HOUSE TYPE THREE: The Big Jelly
All you have to do for the supplies is to steal all the jelly from the Giant
Jelly. If the guard complains, that's a good sign he wants you to throw Chia
Flour at him. You can now create the perfect jelly-lovers' habitat! Note: It
has been brought to my attention that there's no such thing as Jellyworld or
the Giant Jelly, but seeing how I'm too lazy to delete this section, I won't.
Ha ha, joke's on you!
PROS: Never be hungry again!
CONS: Where do you get the materials needed now?
HOUSE TYPE FOUR: Invisible Fortress
Everyone’s heard of the Hidden Tower, right? But did you know that it’s not
just where the Faerie Queen works, but her home as well? That’s right; I figured
it out all by myself. I’m the best... *ahem* But seriously, I think the poor
Queen needs some help with her work -- and what better person to help out than
me! Uh, I mean you... yeah, you. For payment, she’ll surely let you live right
there, in her grand tower, with (hopefully) a bit of pocket-change on the side.
It’s the perfect lifestyle -- and why wouldn’t it be? I thought of it, after
PROS: Maybe you can swipe a Royal Paintbrush when her back’s turned.
CONS: A bit hard -- if not impossible -- to find.
HOUSE TYPE FIVE: Majestic Mountain
All right, so you’ve lived in a spooky cave and an aroma-licious dung dwelling,
ate all of your Jelly adobe, and worked in the prestigious Hidden Tower for
the Faerie Queen herself. What if you’re still not satisfied? What if it’s all
too easy? Well, here’s a real challenge for you: swim out to Mystery Island
and chisel an opening into the Techo Mountain. This may sound easy as Asparagus
Pie, but I assure you; it’s definitely not all it’s cracked up to be. (Get it?
Cracked? Hahaha... no.) Once you’ve broken the rock that’s hard as... well,
itself, climb in to the huge cavern inside and get cozy!
PROS: Probably the coolest place to live, besides the Hidden Tower.
CONS: Let’s just hope that volcano next door never erupts...
HOUSE TYPE SIX: “Cool” Lodgings
You know what infuriates me? Ever since the murder mystery in the Terror Mountain
Ski Lodge, the humongous pad has been vacant. There are rumors of it being haunted,
but I strongly believe that ghosts don’t exist! If you agree with me (which
you should, seeing as I’m always right), why not try living in this polar palace?
It comes with eight huge rooms and a pool. What more could you want? And since
no one wants it, you most likely won’t have to pay a single Neopoint!
PROS: Are you kidding? This place is a mansion!
CONS: If there really are paranormal presences in the house, be prepared to
be harassed by dead staff members of The Neopets Team.
Well, there you have it; a comprehensive guide to cheating out of buying a
Neohome. Now, if you really want to live the good life, you might want to get
some furniture. Just a thought. No? You’re happy sleeping on the floor? Might
not be such a good idea for the dung home, but other than that, you’re set.
Well, until next time, this is doogofdoom signing off from her Dung Palace.
I would stay longer, but my adorable Mynci was just dared to eat the wall. Gross...
Note: This article was meant to be humourous. If you get killed by the
Beast or smell terrible from your new dung house, I didn’t do it. Remember that.
Neomail doogofdoom if you have any comments - and PLEASE remember not to eat
asparagus. After all, if Adam jumped off a bridge, would you?