So You Wanna Be a Pirate?
Aye, notice this new pirate madness spreading over Neopia?
Well I sure do see. Now let me tell you somethin', pirates are not cute, handsome,
brave, courageous, kind, or even be cleaning up after themselves. In fact, they
be yellow-toothed, greedy, dim-witted, messy, brave-less, selfish, bad-tongued
scurvies! Ar, but why I be badmouthing pirates? I am actually a pirate, not just
a pirate, a Capn'! Capn' Dragon-Tooth! Yeah, I know not the best name in the world,
but I think ye can get used to it. Now one thin' that I always get asked while
sailin' the big blue is: How can I be a pirate?
Well now since I get asked that silly question so many times, I decided to
write a little err, um something-that-you-learn-from-thingy. Yeah, I told you
ye pirates aren't the smartest things in the world. In fact we ain't good a
countin', writin', or even spallin'. So here be some things that ye need to
qualify to be a pirate:
- Don't be seasick. (I think this be a given.)
- Be bad to the bone. (We don't need no goody-two-shoes pirates.)
- Be greedy.
- Be messy. (Oh by the way, we be takin' turns cleanin' the ship!)
- Have a soft side. (Yes we all have one, and ye need to show it sometimes,
that's why I keep maroon curtains in me cabin!)
Now that we covered the basic qualifications, let's start with some of the
things you actually gotta do when you become a pirate.
1. Give yerself a name.
Yep, ye need a name, cause' that'll be what you'll be remembered by the most.
And I mean a pirate name, unless yer parents gave you a cool enough name. But
of course, usually they give ye some lame name such as Charles (my real name).
Now let me just tell you somethin', all the good names are taken. So don' even
think about naming yerself Black Beard, Capn' Hook, or even a names that sounds
like one of those, cause they probably be taken too. And yes I'm pretty sure
even Pink Beard be taken. So be original, I know it be hard, but you can even
base it on yer personality or looks. Me fer example, I have this large tooth,
so I call myself Capn' Dragon-Tooth. Of course sometimes the names may sound
silly like: Big Tummy Bill, or Socially-Enjoyable Stogy. I think I'll leave
you to figure out a good enough name.
2. Get a catchphrase.
Besides yer name, ye'll also be remembered by your catchphrase. No I don't know
about you, but I be sick to death of all the cliché catchphrases, like: "Yo
ho!" , "Thare she blows!", "Aye yah Capn'!", "Ahoy matey!", "Shiver me timbers!"
and even "Well slap me silly, an' call me a parrot's uncle!". Okay well the
last be not so common, but I still have heard it enough times to hate it. Again
like the name, get somethin' original. And don' even think about copyin' that
annoyin' "Yo ho" song! If you do love that infernal song so much, then at least
revamp it a little like so:
Yo ho, Yo ho! A pirate's life for me!
It be fun, unless of course ye be barfin' in the sea!
Take some gold, take some silver, and grab all the loot!
Quit whinin' cause' no one ever gives a hoot!
Yo ho, Yo ho! A pirate's life for me!
3. Dress like a pirate.
Well it's not really hard to dress like a pirate, all ye have to do is get your
clothes dirty n' torn. Or if you really want to be "special" about it, then
ye can buy a pirate paint brush, or if you want to be "special" about it and
cheap, then ye can buy form some pirate designer brands such as: Ahoy Shirties!,
Long John's Suits, and Skull Wear. And also ye can get some nice eye patches,
and fake wooden legs. My personal favorite is Loot & Go, they have eye patches
available in over a hundred colors!
4. Organize the Loot.
Now, I'm not asking ye to take a bath everyday, or clean up all the mess ye
make, I'm just askin' you to organize the loot. Now granted, even if yer a bad
pirate, you'll be able to get some loot. Of course you'll store it in some safe
place, but still ye'll never know whether some of it gets stolen or not. So
keep a little inventory. Firs' you separate the types of treasure you have into
piles, and count how many of each ye have like for example: 30 gold coins, 4
golden goblets, 2 fancy dresses. And if yer no good with numbers, get a buddy
to help you out. Or if you don' trust no one, then use your fingers to help
keep count, and in you have no fingers, will I'm sure you could force some smarty
pants into doing the work fer you. Soon ye'll be able to find out if that sneaky-good-fer-nothin'
cook has been stealing those coins.
5. Get some form of punishment.
Now knowin' pirates, which I do, they love seein' someone walk the plank, but
even the plank gets old sometimes. So get somethin' new, fresh, exciting. No,
I don' mean torturing a guy by poking him with a sword. I mean, make someone
who's bein' a major pain to scrub the whole ship with his nails, or clean the
bathroom with his tongue. Now that's torturous and fun to watch (for the most
6. Relax a bit, and don't act tough all the time.
Pirates do get stressed out ye know. We've got a lot to worry about, an' sometimes
it gets all overwhelming. Ye could even kidnap of those psycho-trist (I think
that's what ye call em) to help to calm down. Relaxin' won't just help you,
it'll reveal your soft inside from your rough n' tough exterior. So do some
yoga, an chill a bit. If that guy pushes, instead of throwin' him in the water,
talk it out. Well that don' seem like a pirate, you ask. Well I know, but pirates
aren' robots, they do have feelings. I've seen many pirates cry, which reminds
me, don' be afraid to express your self (Unless on a raid, or hangin' with other
pirates, you don' wanna get teased, now do you?). So if you like pink then wear
pink (unless in one of the occasions stated above), member real men wear pink
(but not in occasions stated above).
7. Bond with your shipmates.
Sure, they may not be the friendliest lot, but with your shipmates, ye'll probably
spend the next few months, or your life with. So get to know em at least, you
don' have to give them anything at all. Now some ways of bondin' with your shipmates
can be something as simple as talking or fighting, yep some people just get
along better after they've walloped each other. Or maybe your Capn' might do
something special, like me, I take my boys on picnics every weekend, an' it
works pretty well. In fact, next week I think we'll take go to the carnival.
8. Plan a strategy.
So when ye go plunder some rich guy's ship, or some other band of pirates, who
are big meanies, don' just charge blindly at em, plan some sort of strategy.
And again, just like organizin' the loot, I don' want planning a strategy to
be too difficult. Just have a few guys go over on one side, and have a few go
on the other side and yer done. Of course, kidnappin' some smarty-pants might
help some more (which also might require some strategy to kidnap em).
9. Listen to the Capn'.
Yep, the Capn' is the cap' for a reason. Ye won' start off at the Capn', but
by listen' and respectin' the Capn', you can get to become a Capn', like me!
So member just do whatever the Capn' says, and if the Capn' really is a good-fer-nothing-pain
in the neck, then ye can do a mutiny. But most captains aren't like that, they're
nice, and fair, and absolutely wonderful (like me!). So listen' to the Capn',
and give them gifts, and money, and praise them, okay so you don' have to give
em gifts, but you should. And any crewmembers of mine (who can read) my birthday
is on Oct. 20, and I'll be expectin' something!
Aye, so we have noted those things down now? So hopefully after this, I won't
be pestered with any annoyin' How-can-I-be-a-pirate questions. Now yer not done
yet! Ye got to take the pirate pledge! So raise your right hand (if you don't
know what your right hand is, then both up both hands, or wings, or whatever
ye have) and say:
I (whatever yer name be) solemnly take this pirate pledge, and promise to
uphold the pirate rules, which are to plunder and raid. I will not play with
my sword foolishly, get into unnecessary fights with other pirates, or do anything
the captain tells me not to do. I will praise the captain at all times, and
worship as a god. Also I will pay for any misdeeds I do. I will also buy "A
Complete Guide to Pirates" by Capn' Dragon-Tooth in Capn' Dragon-Tooth's shop
at 1459 Doubloon Ave, Krawk Island.
Author's Note: Please feel free to give feedback to me!