Author’s Note: One off special dedicated to all the Neopians (myself included)
out there who have been unlucky in love.
Warning! I would like to point out this guide shouldn’t be taken really seriously.
If you do take it seriously, you must be very sad and I play the world’s smallest
villain just for you.
This is extraordinary! Over the month, I have had received more love letters
than hot dinners. Even the odd pair of Neopian Briefs sent to me this week in
the mail. Are they refunds or what? I’m flattered but really don’t think there’s
any reason for all that attention.
People have also been asking me for advice about friendship, love, asparagus
and everything in between.
Talk about hot stuff? Call me Frank Sloth, Doctor of Love. Mwhaha! As well
as being witty, I will prove to you how sensitive and serious I can be. Well
forgetting that, I’m stuck in a second childhood (trust me, it can happen when
you are 200 years old!) obsessed with toilet humour.
Love Sloth baby, Love Sloth... Drat! I have that song stuck in my head. Anyhow,
here’s my guide ‘Sloth’s Guide to Asparagus, Friendship and Everything in Between’.
Dr. Sloth’s Pet-tiqutte Advice for Guys:
-You don’t want to seem like a total klutz burning down your Neohome, trying
your hand at cooking (for the first time) a four course dinner for your lady
friend. Having problems hiding the fact you have been living off 2 minute noodles
and instant meals as a single male? Fear not, it is common knowledge that most
male Neopets aren’t capable of cooking to save their life. But they do have
the amazing capability to order a takeaway pizza.
-At places such as Cafe Neopia which have strict dress codes -- baggy pants
aren’t included as formal attire. Remember, the ladies really dig a black cloak.
-Don’t bother offering to help pay on a dinner date. In most cases, the odds
are the girl won’t ever go on a second date. Most likely the girl will probably
end up dumping you for a younger and hotter Lenny with rippling muscles who
spends his most of his life surfing.
Well, she never got to understand the real me. How was I supposed to know she
would run away with a handsome Lenny and leave I, the ‘Professor of Love’ out
in the cold with nobody to ever love again. *sobs*
-Use a toothpick to pick out asparagus between your teeth. Its not a good
look to use a claw, finger, hoof or whatever to pick your teeth with.
-Don’t use the checkered tablecloth at the restaurant you go to as a napkin
to wipe your mouth. Its not very nice, okay?
-Flowers and chocolates are great pressies for your sweetie, as long as they
aren’t stink blossoms or dung-flavoured.
-Have a dreaded fear of conversion? Weather, Neopian Times and Neohome decoration
are ideal points of conversion. Zurroball and your gory tales of Battledome
experiences of horror are no-go zones. If your conversion turns out like this,
you will probably finding your girl running away faster than you can scream
“Dear Sloth, I can’t seem to make friends. What am I? An invisible pixel
floating in space? Nobody notices me.” Spaced Out
“But we are all made of pixels! Even three dimensional humans! Yes, it true!
Don’t worry, I’m sure the right friend will come along for you. When it happens,
be patient and allow the friendship to grow slowly ? the most satisfying, lasting
friendships develop over time.
OH NO!! Sounds like I have swapped personalities with Roxy!”
“Hi Sloth, I need some help in the ‘love’ department. There’s this girl
I need to impress. I tried serenading her with soppy poems and even offered
to help her out but I think she stills regards me as a total jerk. Anyone help
will be greatly appreciated! Argh!” Loony in Love
“Weeping flowers, then a romantic all-you-can-eat dinner, followed by a food
fight and then wash down the night with a Bubble Gun. Nothing beats seeing a
cute couple pelting each with Bubble Guns.
Phew, I’m back to normal now.”
"Doctor Sloth, My friendship with my Aisha friend is going nowhere. I asked
her for a kiss on the paw but she just slapped me on the face. She told me “Kissing
is against Neopets rules.” Also that said she could report me for talking about
it.” I feel like a pair of curtains or something! Its weird, I can’t open up
to her anymore.” Light though the Window
“If you feel like a pair of curtains, pull yourself together man! Don’t listen
to your friend, she doesn’t deserve someone like you.
Actually, I don’t blame her really for dumping you. You go girl!”
“So I’m at the Golden Dubloon and I’m ordering drinks with my friend. What
do you recommend ordering?” Golden Goblet
“Nothing beats a Peachpa Cocktail. Or for the lady order ‘a Sloth on the Rocks’.
Can you get drunk on Root Beer? I think not, you better go with that.
“Did you ever go to school? What crowd of people did you hang around with?”
2 Kewl 4 Skool
“Yup, sure I did. It wasn’t like Neoschool, it was more old school. Like the
music at the time. Mmm... old school Techo.
I was in the hip crowd. Only because I was almost the only guy not in Nick Neopia’s
breaking dancing group of rappers. Talk about break a leg.
Or should I say hip?”
“Dear Sloth, My friend who drives me crazy with his constant one-liners. He'll
make a statement about something, trying to be funny, but it's not funny. It's
usually pretty childish.
It doesn't justify a response, promote conversation or provide insight. When
he's in a good mood, he acts silly and doesn't know when to stop. He looks at
me after one of his attempts like I'm supposed to laugh. I don't. I usually
smirk or roll my eyes and just don't respond. Sometimes I say, "How is that
funny?" but he doesn't take any of these cues to stop it.
I think it comes from his shyness. He doesn't do well with small talk and
doesn't have a lot of social skills. I've tried to explain to him that he doesn't
need to try so hard to be funny or clever, in order to make people like him.
His answer is that it's just part of his personality.” Sole Survivor
“Let me guess, a Lenny! Break up the relationship before it turns into a Lenny
“What do you really think of Roxy? Come on! You know, we all know you like
her!” Somebody has a Crush!
“Crikey! She’s a little ripper! Oh! Please excuse me, I need to wrestle another
Krawk. ” *adds to his resume of previous jobs*
I know you told us before, but what do you think about love at the moment?
Have you changed your mind?” Chemical ‘for Beginners’ Hearted
“What I think about love? Love is like a glass rose, it can crack under pressure
or from being sat on.”
“Sloth, I just got a new job at the Grundo’s Cafe but I HATE my boss.
I want to quit, but I like the job. The pay is okay. Should I quit or do I tough
it out?” Sincerely, My Boss Sucks
“You better not be referring to me? I pay you minimum wage, so be glad you
aren’t complaining about that. Tough it out, you cookie. I could be meaner
and put you on ‘clean the grill tray’ duty. You really don’t want to know how
dirty it is. ”
“I met my friend (who is a Faerie Kau) one day for lunch and chatted over
a bit of fodder. Grin Iron, Hockey and other stuff girls are into. She got kind
of upset and sort of cried herself to sleep on my Tiger couch. What should I
do?” Can’t Jump a Hurdle
“What do you call a bulldozer? Huh? Get it?! Okay, that was lame. Translation:
You blew it, mate!
Two words. Moo-ve on.”
“I’m going to a Neopian Disco. Should I hide in a corner to draw on napkin
or dance the night away?” Disco Diva
It is not my choice, whether you want to hide in a corner or if you want to
‘shake your groove thing’ on the dance floor. Watch out for the ‘dreaded left
feet’ syndrome. Tripping over your Lucky Green Boots and tipping a girl’s drink
all over her dress doesn’t rock at all.”
“Oh no! My dress is ruined! I’m going to a fancy party but my dress has
this big patch of water on it from exploding gormballs? How to do you dry wet
garments quickly?” Ember the Fire Faerie
“You don’t really want to know how I dry my clothes. Hot air is needed and
something called natural gas...”
“Dear Sloth, Why haven't I heard from you huh? You think its easy sending
people on meaningless quests day after day after day with that Illusen breathing
down my back? Oh, by the way, did you get those Grundo Ribs I sent you?”
“Can’t you face the facts, it's OVER between us! And yes, I did get your bag
of ribs with the hand-written note on the floral writing paper inside. They
were disgusting! Home-made? Eeww... It was a very nice gesture, though.
Running quests are easy, all you sit on your behind all day while people fetch
you things. My Puppyblew would be capable of doing that. *coughladymuck* ”
“What would you say are vows to a happy relationship?” In Awe
“A, E, I, O and U. Also lots of time away from your
“Dear Dr. Sloth, I've read your articles every week! I've followed EVERY
SINGLE TIME you've tried to take over Neopia! And I think... I think I'm in
LOVE with you!!! I just LOVE you!! You're so handsome in that black robe and
the way you give off your evil laugh!!! I LOVE YOU!!! Will you marry me? Please?!
Please?! Please!!!” Needs Medical Attention
“The Doc of Love still has it... sorry, I’m flattered but I’m unhappily taken.
I heard ladies, Stoneman3x is available. He looks a bit similar to
Unfortunately, you have scrolled down to the end of this article. I’ll leave
you though with one last piece of good ole’ Slothy advice.
“In the game of love, you’re guaranteed to get your heart broken at least
once. (My heart’s been broken like twenty times. Boohoo, I know.)”
Remember, message me and I will be happy to help with any boo-boos (or problems)
you may have.
Author’s Note: Some unnecessary credit goes to that girl called Plushieowner
for her help answering some of the questions. What do I know about love? I ask
you what do you think women really want? (Besides the Love Doctor and endless
supply of roses delivered to their front door for eternity). I have to go, Mrs.
Sloth is calling me for dinner.
By the way, I send my best wishes to Ms Snowflake, The Neopian Times Editor
who’s get married soon. 1,2,3 Awww...