Main Page Go to Short Stories Go back to Articles Go to Comics Go to Continued Series Go to Editorial Go to New Series

Show All | Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 | Week 5 | Week 6 | Week 7 | Week 8 | Week 9 | Week 10 | Week 11 | Week 12 | Week 13 | Week 14 | Week 15 | Week 16 | Week 17 | Week 18 | Week 19 | Week 20 | Week 21 | Week 22 | Week 23 | Week 24 | Week 25 | Week 26 | Week 27 | Week 28 | Week 29 | Week 30 | Week 31 | Week 32 | Week 33 | Week 34 | Week 35 | Week 36 | Week 37 | Week 38 | Week 39 | Week 40 | Week 41 | Week 42 | Week 43 | Week 44 | Week 45 | Week 46 | Week 47 | Week 48 | Week 49 | Week 50 | Week 51 | Week 52 | Week 53 | Week 54 | Week 55 | Week 56 | Week 57 | Week 58 | Week 59 | Week 60 | Week 61 | Week 62 | Week 63 | Week 64 | Week 65 | Week 66 | Week 67 | Week 68 | Week 69 | Week 70 | Week 71 | Week 72 | Week 73 | Week 74 | Week 75 | Week 76 | Week 77 | Week 78 | Week 79 | Week 80 | Week 81 | Week 82 | Week 83 | Week 84 | Week 85 | Week 86 | Week 87 | Week 88 | Week 89 | Week 90 | Week 91 | Week 92 | Week 93 | Week 94 | Week 95 | Week 96 | Week 97 | Week 98 | Week 99 | Week 100 | Week 101 | Week 102 | Week 103 | Week 104 | Week 105 | Week 106 | Week 107 | Week 108 | Week 109 | Week 110 | Week 111 | Week 112 | Week 113 | Week 114 | Week 115 | Week 116 | Week 117 | Week 118 | Week 119 | Week 120 | Week 121 | Week 122 | Week 123 | Week 124 | Week 125 | Week 126 | Week 127 | Week 128 | Week 129 | Week 130 | Week 131 | Week 132 | Week 133 | Week 134 | Week 135 | Week 136 | Week 137 | Week 138 | Week 139 | Week 140 | Week 141 | Week 142 | Week 143 | Week 144 | Week 145 | Week 146 | Week 147 | Week 148 | Week 149

Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 22nd day of Sleeping, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 128 > Articles > Sloth’s Guide to Love

Sloth’s Guide to Love

by plushieowner

Author’s Note: One off special dedicated to all the Neopians (myself included) out there who have been unlucky in love.

Warning! I would like to point out this guide shouldn’t be taken really seriously. If you do take it seriously, you must be very sad and I play the world’s smallest villain just for you.

This is extraordinary! Over the month, I have had received more love letters than hot dinners. Even the odd pair of Neopian Briefs sent to me this week in the mail. Are they refunds or what? I’m flattered but really don’t think there’s any reason for all that attention.

People have also been asking me for advice about friendship, love, asparagus and everything in between.

Talk about hot stuff? Call me Frank Sloth, Doctor of Love. Mwhaha! As well as being witty, I will prove to you how sensitive and serious I can be. Well forgetting that, I’m stuck in a second childhood (trust me, it can happen when you are 200 years old!) obsessed with toilet humour.

Love Sloth baby, Love Sloth... Drat! I have that song stuck in my head. Anyhow, here’s my guide ‘Sloth’s Guide to Asparagus, Friendship and Everything in Between’.

Dr. Sloth’s Pet-tiqutte Advice for Guys:

-You don’t want to seem like a total klutz burning down your Neohome, trying your hand at cooking (for the first time) a four course dinner for your lady friend. Having problems hiding the fact you have been living off 2 minute noodles and instant meals as a single male? Fear not, it is common knowledge that most male Neopets aren’t capable of cooking to save their life. But they do have the amazing capability to order a takeaway pizza.

-At places such as Cafe Neopia which have strict dress codes -- baggy pants aren’t included as formal attire. Remember, the ladies really dig a black cloak.

-Don’t bother offering to help pay on a dinner date. In most cases, the odds are the girl won’t ever go on a second date. Most likely the girl will probably end up dumping you for a younger and hotter Lenny with rippling muscles who spends his most of his life surfing.
Well, she never got to understand the real me. How was I supposed to know she would run away with a handsome Lenny and leave I, the ‘Professor of Love’ out in the cold with nobody to ever love again. *sobs*

-Use a toothpick to pick out asparagus between your teeth. Its not a good look to use a claw, finger, hoof or whatever to pick your teeth with.

-Don’t use the checkered tablecloth at the restaurant you go to as a napkin to wipe your mouth. Its not very nice, okay?

-Flowers and chocolates are great pressies for your sweetie, as long as they aren’t stink blossoms or dung-flavoured.

-Have a dreaded fear of conversion? Weather, Neopian Times and Neohome decoration are ideal points of conversion. Zurroball and your gory tales of Battledome experiences of horror are no-go zones. If your conversion turns out like this, you will probably finding your girl running away faster than you can scream ‘CHEETT FLASH!!’.

“Dear Sloth, I can’t seem to make friends. What am I? An invisible pixel floating in space? Nobody notices me.” Spaced Out

“But we are all made of pixels! Even three dimensional humans! Yes, it true!
Don’t worry, I’m sure the right friend will come along for you. When it happens, be patient and allow the friendship to grow slowly ? the most satisfying, lasting friendships develop over time.

OH NO!! Sounds like I have swapped personalities with Roxy!”

“Hi Sloth, I need some help in the ‘love’ department. There’s this girl I need to impress. I tried serenading her with soppy poems and even offered to help her out but I think she stills regards me as a total jerk. Anyone help will be greatly appreciated! Argh!” Loony in Love

“Weeping flowers, then a romantic all-you-can-eat dinner, followed by a food fight and then wash down the night with a Bubble Gun. Nothing beats seeing a cute couple pelting each with Bubble Guns.
Phew, I’m back to normal now.”

"Doctor Sloth, My friendship with my Aisha friend is going nowhere. I asked her for a kiss on the paw but she just slapped me on the face. She told me “Kissing is against Neopets rules.” Also that said she could report me for talking about it.” I feel like a pair of curtains or something! Its weird, I can’t open up to her anymore.” Light though the Window

“If you feel like a pair of curtains, pull yourself together man! Don’t listen to your friend, she doesn’t deserve someone like you.
Actually, I don’t blame her really for dumping you. You go girl!”

“So I’m at the Golden Dubloon and I’m ordering drinks with my friend. What do you recommend ordering?” Golden Goblet

“Nothing beats a Peachpa Cocktail. Or for the lady order ‘a Sloth on the Rocks’. Can you get drunk on Root Beer? I think not, you better go with that.

“Did you ever go to school? What crowd of people did you hang around with?” 2 Kewl 4 Skool

“Yup, sure I did. It wasn’t like Neoschool, it was more old school. Like the music at the time. Mmm... old school Techo.
I was in the hip crowd. Only because I was almost the only guy not in Nick Neopia’s breaking dancing group of rappers. Talk about break a leg.
Or should I say hip?”

“Dear Sloth, My friend who drives me crazy with his constant one-liners. He'll make a statement about something, trying to be funny, but it's not funny. It's usually pretty childish.

It doesn't justify a response, promote conversation or provide insight. When he's in a good mood, he acts silly and doesn't know when to stop. He looks at me after one of his attempts like I'm supposed to laugh. I don't. I usually smirk or roll my eyes and just don't respond. Sometimes I say, "How is that funny?" but he doesn't take any of these cues to stop it.

I think it comes from his shyness. He doesn't do well with small talk and doesn't have a lot of social skills. I've tried to explain to him that he doesn't need to try so hard to be funny or clever, in order to make people like him. His answer is that it's just part of his personality.” Sole Survivor

“Let me guess, a Lenny! Break up the relationship before it turns into a Lenny Conundrum. ”

“What do you really think of Roxy? Come on! You know, we all know you like her!” Somebody has a Crush!

“Crikey! She’s a little ripper! Oh! Please excuse me, I need to wrestle another Krawk. ”  *adds to his resume of previous jobs*

I know you told us before, but what do you think about love at the moment? Have you changed your mind?” Chemical ‘for Beginners’ Hearted

“What I think about love? Love is like a glass rose, it can crack under pressure or from being sat on.”

“Sloth, I just got a new job at the Grundo’s Cafe but I HATE my boss. I want to quit, but I like the job. The pay is okay. Should I quit or do I tough it out?” Sincerely, My Boss Sucks

“You better not be referring to me? I pay you minimum wage, so be glad you aren’t complaining about that. Tough it out, you cookie.  I could be meaner and put you on ‘clean the grill tray’ duty. You really don’t want to know how dirty it is. ”

“I met my friend (who is a Faerie Kau) one day for lunch and chatted over a bit of fodder. Grin Iron, Hockey and other stuff girls are into. She got kind of upset and sort of cried herself to sleep on my Tiger couch. What should I do?” Can’t Jump a Hurdle

“What do you call a bulldozer? Huh? Get it?! Okay, that was lame. Translation: You blew it, mate!
Two words. Moo-ve on.”

“I’m going to a Neopian Disco. Should I hide in a corner to draw on napkin or dance the night away?” Disco Diva

It is not my choice, whether you want to hide in a corner or if you want to ‘shake your groove thing’ on the dance floor. Watch out for the ‘dreaded left feet’ syndrome. Tripping over your Lucky Green Boots and tipping a girl’s drink all over her dress doesn’t rock at all.”

“Oh no! My dress is ruined! I’m going to a fancy party but my dress has this big patch of water on it from exploding gormballs? How to do you dry wet garments quickly?” Ember the Fire Faerie

“You don’t really want to know how I dry my clothes. Hot air is needed and something called natural gas...”

“Dear Sloth, Why haven't I heard from you huh? You think its easy sending people on meaningless quests day after day after day with that Illusen breathing down my back? Oh, by the way, did you get those Grundo Ribs I sent you?” Jhudora

“Can’t you face the facts, it's OVER between us! And yes, I did get your bag of ribs with the hand-written note on the floral writing paper inside. They were disgusting! Home-made? Eeww... It was a very nice gesture, though.

Running quests are easy, all you sit on your behind all day while people fetch you things. My Puppyblew would be capable of doing that. *coughladymuck* ”

“What would you say are vows to a happy relationship?” In Awe

“A, E, I, O and U. Also lots of time away from your panther partner.”

“Dear Dr. Sloth, I've read your articles every week! I've followed EVERY SINGLE TIME you've tried to take over Neopia! And I think... I think I'm in LOVE with you!!! I just LOVE you!! You're so handsome in that black robe and the way you give off your evil laugh!!! I LOVE YOU!!! Will you marry me? Please?! Please?! Please!!!” Needs Medical Attention

“The Doc of Love still has it... sorry, I’m flattered but I’m unhappily taken.

I heard ladies, Stoneman3x is available. He looks a bit similar to me”.

Unfortunately, you have scrolled down to the end of this article. I’ll leave you though with one last piece of good ole’ Slothy advice.

“In the game of love, you’re guaranteed to get your heart broken at least once. (My heart’s been broken like twenty times. Boohoo, I know.)”

Remember, message me and I will be happy to help with any boo-boos (or problems) you may have.

Author’s Note: Some unnecessary credit goes to that girl called Plushieowner for her help answering some of the questions. What do I know about love? I ask you what do you think women really want? (Besides the Love Doctor and endless supply of roses delivered to their front door for eternity). I have to go, Mrs. Sloth is calling me for dinner.
By the way, I send my best wishes to Ms Snowflake, The Neopian Times Editor who’s get married soon. 1,2,3 Awww...

Week 128 Related Links

The Roboball: Part Two
Jacob began to ponder, and his eyes beamed with joy as he said, "How about the Mystery Island Battledome?"

by jacob133

A Special Valentines Gift
She pressed her face against the window and right up in the front was a big, shimmering, heart shaped ring, in a red velvet box. Snow’s heart jumped with joy, she found the perfect gift!

by chia_lover01

Search :
Other Stories

Everything you Wanted to Know About Restocking, but Didn't Bother to Ask
One thing that you should take account for is your posture. Sit up comfortably, but make sure the keyboard and monitor are in perfect sight.

by nindail

NFS: Could You Be Next?
Every year, countless Neopians fall victim to an insidious, slow moving disease. The statistics are on such a huge scale that it is impossible to track down all those who are affected.

by chewytwizzler

More Item Descriptions for the Alternative Neopian
Brick Cheese: One bite, and you'll kiss your hunger goodbye! And your molars.

by simsman24000

A Final Story Seminar
So far, I've covered creating characters and most of the plot. I'll just quickly expand on the final part of the plot section: ending a story.

by oily106

Neopets | Main | Articles | Editorial
Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series | Search