Main Page Go to Short Stories Go back to Articles Go to Comics Go to Continued Series Go to Editorial Go to New Series

Show All | Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 | Week 5 | Week 6 | Week 7 | Week 8 | Week 9 | Week 10 | Week 11 | Week 12 | Week 13 | Week 14 | Week 15 | Week 16 | Week 17 | Week 18 | Week 19 | Week 20 | Week 21 | Week 22 | Week 23 | Week 24 | Week 25 | Week 26 | Week 27 | Week 28 | Week 29 | Week 30 | Week 31 | Week 32 | Week 33 | Week 34 | Week 35 | Week 36 | Week 37 | Week 38 | Week 39 | Week 40 | Week 41 | Week 42 | Week 43 | Week 44 | Week 45 | Week 46 | Week 47 | Week 48 | Week 49 | Week 50 | Week 51 | Week 52 | Week 53 | Week 54 | Week 55 | Week 56 | Week 57 | Week 58 | Week 59 | Week 60 | Week 61 | Week 62 | Week 63 | Week 64 | Week 65 | Week 66 | Week 67 | Week 68 | Week 69 | Week 70 | Week 71 | Week 72 | Week 73 | Week 74 | Week 75 | Week 76 | Week 77 | Week 78 | Week 79 | Week 80 | Week 81 | Week 82 | Week 83 | Week 84 | Week 85 | Week 86 | Week 87 | Week 88 | Week 89 | Week 90 | Week 91 | Week 92 | Week 93 | Week 94 | Week 95 | Week 96 | Week 97 | Week 98 | Week 99 | Week 100 | Week 101 | Week 102 | Week 103 | Week 104 | Week 105 | Week 106 | Week 107 | Week 108 | Week 109 | Week 110 | Week 111 | Week 112 | Week 113 | Week 114 | Week 115 | Week 116 | Week 117 | Week 118 | Week 119 | Week 120 | Week 121 | Week 122 | Week 123 | Week 124 | Week 125 | Week 126 | Week 127 | Week 128 | Week 129 | Week 130 | Week 131 | Week 132 | Week 133 | Week 134 | Week 135 | Week 136 | Week 137 | Week 138 | Week 139 | Week 140 | Week 141 | Week 142 | Week 143 | Week 144 | Week 145 | Week 146 | Week 147 | Week 148 | Week 149

Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 21st day of Running, Yr 21
The Neopian Times Week 127 > Articles > Alternate Remedies

Alternate Remedies

by missjessiegirl

PET CENTRAL - Now, I know many of you Neopian Times readers (you're all Neopian Times readers or you wouldn't be reading this article), when your pet becomes ill, you hightail it to the Pharmacy and pounce on the medicine that Dr. Gelert prescribed, and you're done with it. Quite simple if your pet has a cheap and easy to cure illness, like Fuzzitus. But if your pet is staggering from Achy Head, it's not likely you'll be able to even find any Magic Goop, let alone have the money to buy it. (unless you're a Neopets millionaire, but the chances of that are slim)

Of course, there's always the Healing Springs to try. But after trying for the 99th time and getting 3 HP worth of healing again and again and again, you're probably going to abandon that source of medicine. And all this time, your pet will have been suffering from the dreaded effects of a rare and quite often painful disease.

That's where I come in! For absolutely no cost but my sanity, I am writing this article of alternative remedies to the traditional medicine you have always used. Just follow them and you might wind up with a completely healthy pet for half the cost or less! Note the word MIGHT.

Warning: These remedies probably won't help in the least, and there's a chance that the items used might cost more then the actual medicine.

Disease: Neogitus
Traditional Medicine: Medicinal Toothbrush

For the curing of Neogitus, you first obtain a small bucket and fill it with ice cubes. Wait for the ice to melt into ice water, then take a pot of cold Mint Tea and mix it into the ice water. If your pet doesn't like Mint Tea, use Strongberry Tea instead. Take the empty tea cup and have your pet drink the liquid a cupful at a time at 5 minute intervals. The freezing drink will deflate your pet's swollen gums, clear up the sore throat that often occurs as a side effect of Neogitus, and taste good. At least, I hope so, otherwise I'm going to have to change my identity and live as a Meridell hermit.

Disease: Bloaty Belly
Traditional Medicine: Flat-u-less Tablets

To heal a Bloaty Belly, first journey to The Lost Desert and learn the art of massage. Then massage your pet's belly while having it drink a glass of Neocola every hour, on the hour. The gas in your pet's belly will be burped out after 10 hours of massage... hopefully...

Disease: Fuzzitus
Traditional Medicine: Fluff Be Gone

Fuzzitus is relatively easy to cure, with either traditional medicine or alternative remedies. For this illness, simply buy some Shampoo and a Kougra Scratching Comb. Shampoo your pet thoroughly, then when it's dry, pick out with the comb any fluff that hasn't been washed out by the bath. Easy as that, if this actually works.

Disease: Achy Head
Traditional Medicine: Magic Goop

Agh, the dreaded Achy Head. The traditional medicine's price has skyrocketed over the years, and it was never really cheap to start with. So my remedy is worth a try (I suppose). First, go out to the nearest Spooky Food store and purchase a one-scoop cone of Brain Ice Cream. Then grab a bucket and fill it with freezing cold water. Have your pet wolf down the ice cream as fast as it can. Then, as it finishes the last drop of ice cream, snatch the cone and instead pour the bucket of ice water down your pet's throat. Immediately, your pet will fall to it's knees with the worst case of brain freeze in Neopian history. Place your pet's head inside a bowl of Flaming Hot Chilli. Then run far, far away. Either your pet's head will explode, or it'll be cured. I'm not really sure which, I got kicked out of medical school. (Don't ask, you don't want to know).

Disease: Shock -A- Lots
Traditional Medicine: Ultra Rubber Gloves

To rid your pet of electric jolts (often induced by chewing on phone cords), the first step is to buy a Royal Oak Wood Cabinet. Fill the cabinet with Rubber Ducks. Then stuff your pet inside the cabinet, lock the door, and wait for an hour (feel free to occupy yourself with snacks during this time). After an hour, open the cabinet. Since neither wood nor rubber duckies can conduct electricity, all the volts inside your pet will have exploded into very lovely fireworks inside the cabinet and be gone forever! (Of course, your pet might turn into a firework, too...)

Disease: Watery Eyes
Traditional Medicine: Onion Balm

Now, we can't have your pet looking like it's crying for all eternity, can we? Let me see what I can do. First, I suppose you tie an Onion onto your pet's nose. For the first two hours or so, your pet's weeping will increase to an insanely high level, and then your pet's tear ducts will simply implode in upon themselves. Of course, your pet can never cry again after that, but no one can say you never tried!

Disease: NeoBlues
Traditional Medicine: Tasty Pie

The process for cheering up your down-in-the-duldrums pet has a very simple concept. The first thing to do is purchase several Bags of Sugar, five Happy Neggs, and an extra-freakishly-large size cup of Coffee. Then have your Neopet wolf down first the Neggs, then immediately after that the Sugar, and finally the Coffee. (If the pet is so affected by the disease that it refuses to eat, you may have to resort to threatening it with a force-fed bowl of Spinach for dinner). As soon as it gulps down the last dregs of Coffee, I suggest you hide. Hide for a a good hour. After an hour has passed, it should be safe to come out. Your pet will be lying exhausted somewhere in your house, and you should put it to bed. With luck (okay, a miracle), it'll wake up happy. Warning: This remedy should not be attempted by anyone who has any breakable furniture in their Neohome. Or Petpets.

Disease: Floppy Tongue
Traditional Medicine: Tongue Shrinker

Much as with Swollen Gums, this cure relies on the power of freezing. You're really going to need your pet to cooperate for this one. (I personally recommend bribing it). Before you do anything else, book a cottage in Terror Mountain for, at the minimum, 1 day. Once you and your pet are on the icy mountain, have your pet lie down in a position that it'll be comfortable in, for this alternate remedy will take awhile (perhaps you should also bring a cushion). Then stretch it's tongue to maximum length and place as much of the tongue as you can in a Pitcher of Water. Do NOT allow your pet to retract it's tongue for any reason. That means no talking, praise Fyora! As soon as the water has frozen and been that way for, at the minimum, three hours, break the ice open with a MIGHTY-ROBO HAMMER!!! Or just a brick. Yeah, a brick might work. Your pet's tongue might have deflated, or it might have swollen up into a hideous, unrecognizable blob. Take note the author will not take responsibility if that happens, DON'T HURT ME!

Disease: Cricky Neck
Traditional Medicine: Neck Brace

This attempt to heal your pet will be messy... VERY messy (and possibly painful.) Begin with buying a platter of Gooseberry Jelly, and remove the prickly thing in the middle. (I still don't know if that's edible and I don't want to find out). Very gently, massage the jelly into your pet's neck, until the skin is soft and workable. Then, increase the power of your massaging. If you hear bones creaking, do not be alarmed. Cease massaging as soon as your pet can move it's head and neck again (or when your hands get all pruny from the jelly). Then you might want to give your pet a bath, it's got jelly all over its shoulders!

Well, this doctor is checking out of the clinic for this week's issue. Look for my next Alternate Remedies article, which will contain more interesting and... creative ways of healing your pet. Until then, I'm going to go wash the jelly off my hands.

Disclaimer: The author shall not be held responsible for any of these remedies that do not succeed, and is not willing to pay fines in Rubber Duckies. THE DUCKIES ARE MINE!


Search :
Other Stories

Stock Up!
What are relatively cheap to buy, have a high resale value, and will work for you no matter what type of Neopian you are, all while you sit back and relax? Stocks.

by leb388


The Economics of War
In Neopia, the larger part of the population participates in the war because, let's face it, the Battledome is one of the greatest aspects of the whole game...

by rimrocka13


Frumball... YEAH!!!
I've never played Zurroball or Gormball, but I love Frumball and play it at least once a day. I highly recommend a trip to the Virtupets Space Station for a game!

by whositbop


Visions of Easter Neggs, or How to Buy Way Too Much Candy and Rot Other People's Teeth with It
Why should you buy and sell candy? Because it's fast and easy, can provide a quick profit, and most of all because candy is wonderful!

by queen_atlantis


Faeries in Focus: Fyora
The palace was gigantic, the longest turret seems to just disappear into the clouds. A bright, sunny Tuesday, perfect day for an interview.

by plushieowner


Neopets | Main | Articles | Editorial
Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series | Search