Spare A Thought For The Thoughtless
NEOPIA CENTRAL - Ah, tis that Christmas season once again. If you haven’t yet
been alerted to that fact through rabid shopkeepers hawking their Christmas
wares, the mandatory fake Raindorf antlers (at least I hope they’re fake), and
the fact that I actually said ‘tis’, well you’ve been alerted now. Christmas
is all about joy, and caring, and… well, you know the rest. But the thing that
little Neopets enjoy most about Christmas is this -- the presents. I know. Shocking,
isn’t it. How someone could enjoy mounds of presents being heaped upon them
is nothing less than astounding. (Personally, I enjoy the Christmas turkey as
much as any present).
But there are always the unfortunate few who DON’T have presents heaped upon
them. Those deprived, sad Neopians, forced to spend Christmas without so much
as a carton of pineapple-flavoured eggnog. Who am I talking about? Heck, not
the poor and needy, that’s for sure. In Neopia, if the poor and needy want anything,
all they have to do is go to the Money tree, look cute and bawl their eyes out
until some generous stranger plops a present in their lap. Or, Fyora forbid,
they might actually have to play a few games to EARN their money.
No, I’m talking about the despised Neopians. The ones who are so evil and villainous
(of course, seeing someone as evil and villainous is generally a matter of opinion)
that the chance of them receiving a present, at the Money Tree or elsewhere,
is smaller than my tiny brain; now that’s tiny. Hasn’t anyone ever considered
that maybe, just maybe, if someone showed these ‘scoundrels’ some Christmas
kindness, that maybe they would return that kindness? Say, by not taking over
Neopia. Or perhaps by taking over Neopia anyway, then giving you supreme rulership
over a few mini-worlds. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to kick King Roo off
that throne of his, and remodel his castle so it resembles your face, instead
of his? Oh yeah, and rig that Dice-A-Roo game so that everyone loses. Oh, wait
a minute, I forgot. *Smacks forehead*. That’s already the case.
Moving on from my bitterness over my bad luck at dice games, let’s get back
to the point. The point is that there are some Neopians out there this Christmas
who will have to just sit there in their gloomy castles, without being given
so much as a hug or dancing pineapple. Some may argue that these Neopians don’t
deserve presents. Well, what about brats who do nothing but whine and nag all
year round? They still get presents at Christmas. On the other hand, certain
people, who keep nice and quiet in their ominous fortresses, without annoying
anyone at all (they might also be planning our demise, but that’s not the point)
get no presents whatsoever. I’m telling you, this heartbreaking situation is
sadder than that mushy story about that cute Snowbunny being eaten by Florg.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried when I read that book. Particularly when
I read that chapter about Florg having no condiments to go with that roasted
Snowbunny. (Imagine, having a delicious roasted Petpet, but not even having
a spoonful of gravy to go with it! *Sobs unashamedly* It just tugs at the heartstrings,
So, I have put together this little guide, telling YOU what to give, and what
not to give, some of the less popular citizens of Neopia for Christmas this
year. Not only will it warm your heart to see the recipient of your gift crying
with joy, it might mean that in the future, should certain factions take over
the world resulting in your enslavement, you might be given Neogruel With Vitamin
A, instead of just the usual standard gruel. See, just a bit of thoughtfulness
might pay off big time in the future.
Don’t give this icy worm anything fiery this Christmas, say, a Fire Bomb. It
will not only melt him into a puddle, it’ll also cause the entire Ice Caves
to melt, resulting in avalanches cascading down Terror Mountain, therefore burying
Happy Valley under several tonnes of snow. Ouch. Give the Snowager something
that will help him guard his cave, like a door. Unfortunately, it would have
to be a really BIG door. So band together with a couple of friends, and each
bring a few components of a door. Just be organized, so you don’t all give him
door knobs. You could even give him a few Trapped Snow Wurms, for both companionship
and defence. In return for your thoughtful gift, the Snowager might give you
a nice Negg or two. Or maybe he’ll blast you with his icy breath, leaving you
frozen still for the rest of eternity. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.
Meuka the Mucus Meerca
A lifetime supply of Neopkins would be an ideal gift, or perhaps some dental
floss. And I bet a roast Pteri or two would go down a treat. (Kidding, just
kidding!). A Snotbunny would probably be good Petpet. I can just imagine Meuka
and his little Snotbunny friend, frolicking through sunlit grassy fields, with
a rainbow in the background and fluffy white clouds floating across the sky.
I can then imagine Meuka getting tired and hungry after all that frolicking,
and consequently gobbling up that Snotbunny for a nice snack. A snot Meerca
eating a snot bunny. If this scenario got any more disgusting, I would probably
need a bucket.
Count Von Roo
Well, he’s certainly not getting any younger, and those fangs must be getting
pretty worn out after centuries of chomping into so many necks. So why not give
Neopia’s only vampire Blumaroo a set of false fangs? Sure, the set in the Hidden
Tower might be a bit expensive, but it would be worth it if he’s grateful enough
to not suck all your blood out. Or, you can be a cheapskate like me, and cobble
together some fangs using a few Plastic Butter Knives and lots of glue. Use
Non-toxic glue, mind you. If the glue bottle doesn’t have a label saying whether
it’s toxic or not, just eat some. If you continue living normally, the glue
is non-toxic. If you find that your stomach hurts worse than when your little
brother set fire to your trousers last summer, then the glue is mildly toxic.
If you wake up the next day and find that you’re dead, the glue is DEFINITELY
toxic. Of course, if you were dead, you wouldn’t be able to wake up. Hmmm, this
is a puzzler. Check back at the end of this article to see if I’ve nutted this
little technicality out. Meanwhile, keep eating that glue!
Seeing as this particular character is a ghost, remember that material possessions
just won’t cut it as decent gifts. Maybe a nice companion to last him for the
rest of eternity: say, a Ghostkerchief. Or a Pet Rock.
The Swamp Ghoul
Question: What do you give a guy who spends his days drifting around dank swamps,
attempting (note that I used the word ‘attempting’, not ‘succeeding’) to scare
little Neopets? Answer: A new robe! I mean, look at his! It’s old, ratty (I
mean that literally, those folds of cloth are probably full of them), and definitely
due for retirement. What he needs is a new, waterproof set. A different colour
for every day of the week! Pink with purple polka dots! Green and pink stripes!
Hey, it might not make you wet your pants with fear, but it’ll make you laugh
so hard that you’ll wet yourself! Which means in both scenarios, you’ll wet
yourself. It’s a win-win situation! For you local Laundromat, that is.
A new Orb? Enslavement of Meridell? A new pair of underwear?
The Brain Tree
Hey, with that big, fleshy brain of his, his roots probably need to be able
to soak up all the nutrients they can get. Translates to: Fertiliser! So why
not get him the ideal gift -- DUNG! And don’t just give it to the Brain Tree,
give it to everyone! Muahahahaha!
Definitely could use some new clothes. Doesn’t she know that black went out
of fashion years ago? Some sunglasses to disguise those freaky eyes wouldn’t
I bet she would be pretty happy if you torched Illusen’s Glade. Getting one
up on your arch nemesis sounds like a good Christmas present to me. However,
there are two things wrong with this present: A) It’s not in the Christmas spirit,
and B) Every Earth Faerie in the length and breadth of Neopia will want to turn
you into a mushroom. Or maybe a walnut. In any case, you’ll be hunted like a
common criminal. Which, technically, you would be. After all, arson is a criminal
offence. Then again, you wouldn’t be common, because not many criminals are
ignorant enough to set fire to the residence of a powerful Earth Faerie. And
the ones that WERE ignorant enough to do that are no longer considered to be
criminals. Why? Well, because it’s impossible to be a proper criminal when you
happen to be a mushroom. (Or a walnut)
And this wraps up my Christmas guide for giving gifts to the more unsavoury
personalities of Neopia. Give generously (this means giving TWO bags of dung
to the Brain Tree, not just one, cheapskate) and try to get into the Christmas
Merry Christmas everyone!
Author’s note: that’s it! I found a solution to that glue problem. Instead
of eating the glue yourself, feed it to someone else! Hmmm, someone dispensable
and unimportant…like your Petpet! *Petpet Conservation Authorities pounce, and
haul Bluescorchio104 away for cruelty to Petpets*
(Never fear, readers, I’ll be back as soon as someone bails me out!)