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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 27th day of Collecting, Yr 22
The Neopian Times Week 121 > Short Stories > He’s Behind You!

He’s Behind You!

by plushieowner

Author’s Note: In the same tradition of ‘Give my Regards to Neopia!’ I have written another play. Well, not really a sequel but I hope you like it anyway. I would like to dedicate this story to all my wacky Neofriends, you know who you are. I think.

If you were looking for plushieowner’s predictable, pathetic, parody pantomime thing -- you found it!

Starring the typical type-casted, N-List Neopian Celebrities:

Major Characters:

  • Frank ‘Obsessed with Toilet Humour’ Sloth starring as himself.
  • Jhudora ‘Gourmet Disaster’ the Dark Faerie starring as herself.
  • Fyora ‘Ms Goodie Two Shoes’ the Faerie Queen starring as herself.
  • Plushieowner ‘Say Hi to my Muse for me!’ starring as the Narrator.

Minor Characters:

  • Vira ‘Unappreciated Villain’ starring as herself.
  • Illusen ‘No one can pronounce her first name’ the Earth Faerie starring as herself.
  • Pant ‘Very Brief Appearance’ Devil starring as himself.
  • Gallery of Evil (or G.O.E for short) Speaker.
  • G.O.E Speaker 2.
  • Head Minion Leader.
  • Minion Follower.
  • Minions. (As many spare actors that are needed to fill remaining parts.)

(There may be audience prompts from a cue card person at the side of the stage. Your participation is vital for the overall play!)

Scene 1

(Location: Sloth’s Neohome and Jhudora’s Apartment)

(Stage is split in half. One half of the stage is where Sloth is and the other is Jhudora. Both are frozen on stage. Spotlight is on the narrator.)

“There’s no place like home,
Dr Sloth is sitting on his ‘throne’.
With a sudden gust of wind blown,
He gave a huge groan. ”

(Spotlight goes on Sloth frozen on his ‘throne’ and he starts singing.)

All my flatulence seemed so far away.
I don’t know exactly know what to say,
Except I might need Flat-u-less, twice a day.”

“While Sloth has problems, this girl also has plenty of her own problems too!

She thinks she can screw up the social order,
Her name’s Jhudora!
You can’t ignore her.
Don’t dare mistake her for Fyora.
So pathetic, you just have to adore her.”

(Spotlight crosses to Jhudora waiting by her mail slot for Sloth to reply to her invite for dinner tonight. She begins singing as well.)

“Doctor Sloth, Sloth, Neomailing Doctor Sloth
Doctor Sloth, Doctor Sloth, Reply now! (Mail me now)

Evil thing!
You make my heart sing!
You make everything groovy!”

(She starts daydreaming and staring into space.)

“She can’t work up the nerve to Neomail him (she secretly likes him but doesn’t know when to tell him), so she is waiting for him to contact her.”

“I better stop bugging him. I don’t want him to hate me even more than he does now. ”

(Jhudora continues to sing again.)

“If I was smart I would go away,
If no, I would send more Neomails each day.
Don’t you know?
I have a crush on a very evil stranger.”

(Sloth gets off his throne and walks around his Neohome like a lost soul.)

“He ponders whether or not to contact her to accept her invitation or not. He is reluctant since she’s a really bad cook.”

“She’s an awful cook! Can’t even make up for it in ‘the looks department’!”

(Audience: “WHOA OH!”)

(He grabs a microphone to sing and does a few uber-spiffy dance moves.)

“She will clear the house out!
Not even a decent looker.

She will gross you out!
Trying to make a decent mocha.

She will make you scream and shout!
Burning the house with a gas cooker.

But I suppose I better go to her house, out of normal courtesy. Also I want to see what screwed up taste she has in home furnishings. Her and her silly candlelight suppers!

I’ll sure one day I might end up burning my hair by accident from a tea candle. Oh wait! That's right, I don’t really have hair! ”

“Sloth summons a Pteri Messenger to send Jhudora a Neomail post haste, telling her he is to be going over later tonight for dinner. Like one meal made by Jhudora was going to kill him. Well, maybe give him food poisoning but still..”

Scene 2

(Location: Jhudora’s Apartment)

(Sloth is at the front door of Jhudora’s apartment waiting for Jhudora to let him. Jhudora is in the kitchen finishing preparations for desert.)

“Come on in! The door’s open! Not like I have to worry about the Pant Devil stealing my Rod of Supernova like the Advent joke tradition. He’s a friend of mine.”

Pant Devil:
“Do I get anything for this cameo, Sloth?! Free briefs or anything? Oh, well! I’m such a big fan, it is pleasure to work with you!”

(Sloth lets himself in. He’s shocked with all the mess in her apartment he sees.)

“Yeah, whatever you say. Boy! This place is a dump!”

(Sloth steps over all the mess on the floor and he starts to sing.)

“Did you know? When I first saw her place!
I couldn’t believe her!
Now, there’s still not any empty space,
Now that I can find. ”

(Sloth sits down out at her dining table.)

Jhudora: (Calls out to Sloth from her kitchen.)
“I’m just finishing up making desert. Asparagus Pie! ”

Sloth: (Rolls eyes back into head and gets out of his seat.)
“Can’t wait! I better leave then, if it isn’t ready!

“Stay! Come on.
Desert won’t be long.
It needs to be all eaten.
Please don’t begone. ”

(Sloth stares at dinner with disgust. On table there are plates with peas, gravy and Roast Lenny.)

“Feel free to start dinner though while you wait. Duh!”

(He hums while making a paper hat out of one of Jhudora’s table napkins.)

“Regarding that gravy,
Is my stomach that at ease?
At least it looks better than the peas!”

(He begins to take a bite of dinner and says ‘Yuk!’ as Jhudora brings out the desert she has made.)

“Come on, Slothy darling! Have some good old Asparagus Pie! Made from an old Neopian Recipe! Just like my mum used to make!”

(Narrator walks in.)

“Sloth’s eyes lit up because it look more delicious than the dinner she had made.”

(He takes a bite of the asparagus pie.)

“Shortly after eating it, he felt suddenly sick in the stomach so he runs to the bathroom. He sings while sitting on Jhudora’s Cloud Toilet.”

“Bye, Bye! My Asparagus Pie! My belly is making smellies, And my mouth is going to dry. This will be the day I cry.”

(Sloth flushes the toilet, washes his hands and comes back to the dinner table.)

“Sloth comes backs to dinner and starts to pelt her with insults about dinner which gradually turns into both of them slinging general insults back and forth at each other. The situation becomes similar to a dance-off but instead of people trying to show who has the better dance moves, this showdown involves showing how good you are at insulting people.”

(Sloth and Jhudora stand opposite each other and start arguing.)

“I’m sure whatever was in your dinner,
Must of included a can of paint thinner.”

“What did you say?! How dare you say that! You mess with Jhudora. Er, you mess with Jhudora! Yeah..

You can’t insult me that much,
You have the brain but haven’t got the guts.
Though I think your personality is kinda alright,
That would distract in the middle of a fight. ”

“Unemployed? Look!
Jhudora needs you as her new cook!”

“Follow me!
I’m your evil queen!
Which was of course, my foretold destiny.
Can’t you face Sloth, the reality.
Follow me!”

“You are just this and that.
With a temper to blow up a thermostat.
A has-been villain, not as famous as my cat.”

“I’m fed up with trying to met you in the middle,
Its like trying to play 2nd fiddle.
Listen to what I have to say.
Or one day soon, I might go away.”

“Fine, who cares!

Silly woman,
Doesn’t wash her feet!
Silly woman,
Is starting to reek.”

“Who wants to mock Sloth’s hair?
I do!
Who is just a bag of hot air?

“Jhudora lives her life like a Sloth passing wind,
Never know if she can hold her hot air in. ”

“Why the heck are we arguing? What are we- like two years old? I don’t think I have ever been pelted more insults than since the time, I went to prank Taelia’s igloo at Halloween.”

(Nods his head.)
“Suppose, you are right! By the way, Jhudora have you heard about the minion strike?”

(Holds her hands into her lap and tries to hide she is upset)
“WHAT THE WEEWOO?! What is the world coming to?!!? I’ll have to make my own coffee from now on! What will I do without my minions, I depend on them for everything!

Without them, I’m all alone.
Without them, I’m bone.
Please come home!”

(Sloth and Jhudora are frozen, Narrator interrupts. Comes off stage after they have spoken.)

(Hands on hips.) “I for one can do without minions!

Uptight girl!
She’s living in her own little world.”

(Vira struts into the stage to where Sloth and Jhudora are talking. She begins yelling at Jhudora.)

“Call yourself a villain! Getting someone else to do the dirty work for you! I thought you were better than that, J!”

“At least, I score more short story roles than you!”

(Audience: “Booooooo!”)

“I can’t bare the embarrassment! I HATE YOU!! So does the audience!”

(Sloth looks on at them arguing and chuckles. He sighs as Vira runs off backstage tripping over her dress as she walked.)

Sloth: (He walks to the front of the stage.)
“Woman villains! Can’t work with them, can’t live without them!”

Scene 3

(Location: A theatre house in Faerieland.)

“Welcome to Fyora’s Faerie Funtime hour! I’m your host Fyora and we’re going to have lots of fun, boys and girls!”

(Audience: “YAY!!”)

“Now, I’m going to leave this pie on the window sill to cool.
If that “naughty” Dr Sloth comes around to steal my pie, you let me know.”

(Fyora is putting the pie on a window sill. Sloth sneaks in behind her to steal her pie cooling on the window sill.)

(Audience: “Sloth!!”)

Fyora: (Fyora goes to the left of the stage. Sloth is behind her.)
“He’s not here. Only tell me when you really see him, okay?”

(Audience: “He’s over there!”)

Fyora: (Fyora goes to the right of the stage.)
“Where? I can’t see him!

(Audience: “He’s behind you!”)

Fyora: (Fyora checks under table.)
“Nothing there!”

Fyora: (She bumps into Sloth.)
“AHHH!! What are you doing stealing my pie! Naughty Sloth!”

(She hits his hand, as he tries to grab the pie.)

“What?! I’m hungry! Get off my back!”

“So how are you and Jhudora going?”

“Why do people go on about us two? What are we? Separated at the hip or something?”

“Just asking, you don’t have to blow a hissy fit!”

“Oh, by the way may I ask you ‘everyone’s favourite Faerie queen’ if I can borrow one of your Faerieland Cloud Racers to fly to the Space Station?”

“Er, are you going to bring it back?”

Sloth: (Rubs hands together and grins cheekily.)
“Of course, I’m going to bring it back. I’m Neopia’s most trusty guy.
I’ll prove how nice I really am.”

(Sloth nudges Fyora.)

“I would like to share a song with you, dedicated to all you wonderful faeries out there! Especially you Fyora!

An ickle bit of Jhudora in my life,
An ickle bit of you Fyora with a golden heart inside.
An ickle bit of Illusen what I really need.
An ickle bit of Taelia's as pretty as she can be.
An ickle bit of Fuhnah having fun,
An ickle bit of Nereid with her siren song.
An ickle bit of Jhuidah and her Chokato Jam!
You girls, make me a fan!

Sloth Number one.”

(Audience: “Boo!!”)

“Should I trust him boys and girls?”

(Audience: Screams out “No!”)

“Nah I believe, there’s good inside of everyone (haven’t you heard that quote before?) Just because Sloth has been evil in the past doesn’t mean he can’t change.

As long as you bring the keys back, I trust you Sloth.”

(Fyora hands the keys to Sloth.)

Sloth: (Sloth whispers to himself.)

“SLOTH!!! Come back here, you villain!”

(Sloth hops into the Faerieland Racer as it begins to take flight in the air, Fyora is running after it until it was too high for her to see. )

Scene 4

(Location: Space Station HQ of the Gallery of Evil.)

(The Gallery of Evil have just started a meeting. They are a group of unknown and known representatives of Neopia’s most obnoxious evil villains. There main aim is for the protection of Neopia’s remaining population of evil villains such as Jhudora. All members are sat around a board table discussing important news about the future of Neopia’s evil villains.)

G.O.E Speaker:
“Attention everybody! The first annual meeting for the first century for the Gallery of Evil is about to come to order! First important issue up on the agenda is regarding people in this company making major personal requests.

I’m sorry, Miss Jhudora I have to refuse your request for an army of Weewoos. Due to added cutbacks, I have been instructed to disallow frivolous spending on ‘luxuries’. ”

“Darn! I wanted to have my own children’s entertainment group called ‘The Weewoos! I could make millions off merchandise!! Mwhahaha!!”

G.O.E Speaker:
“Tough Cheddar, Jhudora!
Second order of business, that has also come to my attention of a minion complete strike and rebellion.”

G.O.E Speaker 2:

G.O.E Speaker:
“Yes it is! Without minions us villains are ALL powerless. Who will organise all our lawsuits/legal troubles? Pour us each morning our usual cappuccino in our favourite magenta coffee cup? Who will organise our personal organiser which we will never use anyway because of pure laziness?!

Without minions, us Neopian villains will fall apart and Neopia will know how weak and defenceless we really are! We’re doomed with ‘a capital D’! ”

G.O.E Speaker 2:
“May I add my 2 Neopoints in, about this minion strike issue? They are the backbone who support us and make us trip over.

The ‘behind the scenes’ people who make us want even evil villains we are today. So what are we going to do about this strike?!”

G.O.E Speaker:
“We have devised a plan..”

(Audience: “Ooo...)

G.O.E Speaker: “Done dun dun da!
We plan to have robots to replace all the striking minions!”

(Reveals a display of robots under a sheet.)

“Robots are available be in two designs so far with more to come. Mini Sloth and Mini Jhudora.”

“So evilly delightful! Any more colours other than black? It doesn’t match my handbag.”

G.O.E Speaker:
“Of course, there is a choice of three other shades of colour! Machine Grey, Steel Grey and Pollution Grey.”

Jhudora: (sarcastically)

G.O.E Speaker:
“Sloth, before I forget to tell you! I can’t order you those Asparaguschucks you wanted. Unfortunately they have been withdrawn from the shops after a Baby Lenny choked on one of the parts from that item. So sad. NOT!”

Sloth: (Sloth is playing with one of the robots, making it dance.)
“Say what?! I wasn’t listening.”

G.O.E Speaker:
“SLOTH, stop making your robot minion dance! They aren’t for entertainment purposes! Why doesn’t anyone take the G.O.E seriously?”

(Jhudora mumbles something to herself.)

“By the way, I don’t technically have any minions. So why is there a minion made based on me?”

“OH PLEASE! Come on, admit it!
You must rely on someone doing everything for you all the time, while you sit down with your feet up reading The Neopian Times.

I’ll be Darigan’s sister, if you were to say you don’t have any minions!”

“Er, there’s only my Mrs. Sloth.”

(He hums a little tune.)

“Dumb as a Chia!
There she goes again.
That's why, I don’t like her.

Any other business to discuss?”

G.O.E Speaker:
“No, actually. Strange there’s no recent news to talk about, even though we haven’t had a meeting in one hundred years. I doubt people know who the G.O.E is and the fact that it even exists anymore.

There has only been the Meridell War which still hasn’t been resolved after all these years. Been there, done that. I’m not a big Darigan Fan, to tell you the truth.”

“Oh, can I take one home anyway? My daughter would love a dancing Sloth robot! She says she needs a father substitute because I’m never home much.”

G.O.E Speaker: (Ignores Sloth.)
“Meeting adjourned.
Oh you two have the job to distribute out all the robot minions to all the villains!”

(Hands Sloth a bag with all the robot minions to deliver.)

“This sack of robots is heavy... and warm!”

“Just take it, you hotdog!”

“Yes, dear!”

(Everyone goes off stage. Minions come on.)

Scene 5

(Location: Some disclosed location? Jelly World?)

(All the minions are dancing and begin singing altogether in chorus.)

Head Minion Leader: “These villains are going down! We aren’t going to be their stupid slaves anymore! Mwhaha! ”

All the Minions:
“We are the minions!
With no opinions!
We are the minions, my friend.
Though helping with world domination is going to end.

We are the minions!
With no opinions!
No time for villains!
Cause we are no longer minions!”

(All minions stop singing except one.)

Minion Follower:
“Serving Evil Sloth,
Good ole’ Evil Sloth, here to stay.
I’m just lazy and don’t want to groove.
Serving Evil Sloth.

(All the minions give the minion follower a strange look.)

Oops! I was given the wrong sheet music! My bad!”

Scene 6:

(Location: Sloth’s Secret Lair. 13 Waste of Space St. Funkytown, Space Station.)

“You can’t trust the G.O.E! What have they ever done right? Those robots they ordered look like they have been put together by blind woodchoppers. Nuts and Bolts are flying everywhere!”

“Hey! You know we could capture the minions in a burning room so they can’t escape! I always have my handy Flaming Torch with me! ”

“Stupid plan! No wonder you have not had any successful world domination plans!”

You do better! ”

(Sloth lets out an enormous gust of wind. The pair are both blown up and they’re scorched. The robots are ruined.)

“WHAT DO WE DO NOW?! How are we going to get the minions back now? We have no other choice to find them since you STUPIDLY blew up all the robot minion substitutes.”

“ME??! Excuse me?! You’re the one with the major wind problem! I have slowly realised I didn’t need any minions, anyway! I can live without them!”


Jhudora: (She sings.)
“Hey! Hey Sloth!
Oo... ha!
I wanna know....
If you’ll be my minion!”

“Get lost! Purple People Eater!”

The End... Of the world!

Hope you liked my most predictable pantomime ever. Merry Christmas, you ‘NAUGHTY’ Neopians!

Love, Plushieowner and crew. :D

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