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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 25th day of Storing, Yr 22
The Neopian Times Week 119 > Articles > Delightfully Evil Festive Schemes

Delightfully Evil Festive Schemes

by c0v2jn

TERROR MOUNTAIN - I scaled Terror Mountain and plunged into the Maraquan ruins. I nose-dived into the Hidden Tower and hiked all the way to the hospital trying to find (with selfless courage) what the evil villains of Neopia are up to this upcoming December. Actually, I peeked into Jhudora's Crystal Ball and it took me 4 seconds -- close enough. Anyway, Neopia's darker side has a lot in store for this year's close. From evil jumping stockings to jelly floods, which don't exist. By the time you've read this survival guide you'll be ready to waltz out your door and cha-cha all the way into the heart of Neopia Central without a worry in the world.

Rod of Ultranova. Sound familiar? Yes, the Pant-Devil has a map of the Advent Calendar plotting land and has a high-tech, 4-dimensional war scheme ready to initiate with the push of a button. A faux-fur coat button, that is. The pant devil has sensitive skin and needs protection from the cold. When you approach the calendar you may encounter a giant brown snow beast with purple earmuffs (custom made). When you do, go right past it and fetch your prize for that day. You'll be perfectly fine and unhurt by its malevolent blue gloves. Why do I know this? The crystal ball informed me of a flaw in everyone's favorite blue monster's thinking. He forgot one little thing this year -- snow shoes.

The tax beast always had a knack for celebrating holidays. For Chia Day he hopped around taxing people in a yellow paper bag with eye holes. Next month won't be any different. It's the month of giving and he has decided that in order to put every Neopian's mind into the giving spirit he will now tax all your Neopoints. Remember, give! It's a good lesson on how great it feels to give NP for young Neopets everywhere. But that is not all. In addition to you giving him lots of NP and feeling warm & fuzzy inside he will give you something in return! He will give you a pocket device a bit bigger than a calculator. It's an Ez-Tax 4600, a technologically advanced system of snowcrystal wires and straight connections with Neopia Central. With a click of a button you can tax yourself! How convenient!

No, Vira will not be giving out extra mirrors this year. She has been hard at work in Tyrannia (You don't want to know.) making a new line of... ehm... 'organic' beauty products. They will be sold at the Ticket Booth along with tickets for the Twisted Roses, her favorite band. Here is an excerpt from her unreleased catalog:

... Essence of Emendation
The perfect odor for the perfect Neopian. People will run away in utter excitement (probably to the nearest store to get this new essence.) and robotic petpets will initiate their ventilation-fanning mode -- a true sign that they care about you.

A beautiful deep brown color is great for any occasion! Puts on easily and comes off easily! It even has a catchy name! (Note: May not all be the same shade.)

There are many more great err... products available from Vira so watch out for her this December for free trial packs. Yes, she will make sure you try them so if possible, buy a macrochemical atom disengaging laboratory.

As everyone knows, Hubrid Nox has an evil plan for every day of the week. This year he will have an evil plan every half a day! With great Jhudora's Crystal Ball-reading skills (It's hard to read words when they change sizes you know!) I know that Hubrid has not one, but TWO master plans for December!

Master Plan One (#92231234)
The Zen Sofa goes to the left of the east kitchen door.

Master Plan Two (#92231234)
23 inches between each of the picture frames is needed in case of structural imbalance.

Sorry, it's his house plan but that was the closest I could come to him. Even Jhudora has her limits.

With his gaming debut (Deadly Dice) he is all the rage this season and he intends to take advantage of it. It's such a shame that he only is awake for one hour in a day or he could take over Neopia. He will order all his minions to wear Santa suits and rob people for levels to put them in his game. Where do you think they all come from?! He will pay particular attention to certain pets who have levels that are too high to count. It's the same year after year, sadly. Von Roo isn't known for his outstandingly brilliant creativity.

She is mysterious and nobody knows much about her. But I do! Ha! Ha! Ha! This time of year she won't steal from Neopians anymore. She will steal from their bank. The bank Skeith recently got a facial and a new suit from The Neopets Team. Maybe you don't notice but the suit is made of Itronic-81 fibers - fibers that scatter light into various directions making it a dull color. That is perfect for her. She will simply hide on his suit and follow him into the bank and when she's there there's no telling what she could do!

The best way to combat this is to play the slots. That way, you can practice losing lots of NP and not feel that horrible about it.

Yes, the Crown thieves are ready for festive action! Sadly, they won't have time to beat you up in the Battledome doing it. But for December only they will create a new fan club! Their own, that is. Everything from T-shirts to stamps with their faces on it will be available for sale. They probably copied Vira's idea. Vira, at this moment is chasing Merouladen with a frying pan. But one item of interest is a Vyassa T-shirt which reads, "Just because she has a spotty bum doesn't mean she can't be stupid!". They are utterly hopeless at making catchy T-shirt slogans. Oh look! There's Vira with THREE frying pans now!

Ever notice Meuka's dazzling pale-green teeth and healthy pink gums? Well, you can have the same mouth this December with his new line of mouth products! Oh, if I can see Vira now.

...Greening Strips
Place on top and bottom teeth every 2 days and watch as green growths sprout from your teeth like magic! Edna has kindly updated the main ingredient, snot, with her own concoction of Blue Lupe Plushies and Cappuccino.

...Freshafter Mouthwash
Make your breath so fresh that you can taste it! Make beautiful green breath patterns in the air by breathing! Three uses in one for only 849,321 NP!

I have no idea what you're talking about.

In bitter memory of his young lupehood this December he will donate not 100, but 100,000 faeries to the money tree! Take that, faeries! He will also try and hunt down the darkness faeries at threw stones and sticks at him so many years ago. He will also decorate each bottle in hopes that the faeries will stay stuck as decorations and glowing ornaments for a long time.

Those aren't all of Neopia's evil citizens, but those will be enough for you to learn a valuable lesson. Remember what I said about waltzing out your door? Well, don't. It's a season out there.

As a bonus, here's a top SEVEN list of the worst places to be this season:

7) The Maraquan Ruins:
This only applies to you if you can't swim.

6) The Uni Fashion Store:
The pant devil still needs a ski cap. He's been hunting around for bargains everywhere but turned up empty so he's taking his luck at restocking.

5) The Bank:
TWO villains are using the bank as part of their evil ways. Don't go to decrease your chances of being NPless.

4) Anywhere that says 'DANGER! SHADOW USUL WAS HERE!':
She still could be there. It may be one of her favorite places to be. You don't want to mess with her.

3) Jelly World
Why be in somewhere that doesn't exist when you can go to Happy Valley?

2) The Haunted Woods:
It's pretty self-explanatory.

1) At the ticket booth when the Twisted Roses are playing:
Remember Vira's 'organic' beauty line? She WILL make you try some of it. I wasn't joking about that.

A Disclaimer: You agree to not tease/mock/laugh at the author in any way at their horrible Crystal Ball reading skills if any turn out to be false.

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