SPACE STATION - Calm down, there’s enough Sloth for everyone. I usually don’t
believe in trequels but I believe it is my duty to please the fans.
So little time, so many questions. I have been in sun drenched Mystery Island
for a 2 week holiday so I couldn’t manage to reply to the hundreds of Neomails
stacked up in Plushieowner’s inbox.
Cut me some slack, though! I answer way more questions than ‘you know who’ does
in her column and I’m going to answer most of questions I received here.
How did I manage to break out of jail, you may ask? Er, I’m on a good behaviour
bond. Don’t you believe me? Ask Plushieowner. Or maybe you shouldn’t, she went
a bit insane after getting Quote of the Week and making the front page in the
Here’s this issue’s health warning:
Asparagus may be bad for your health. Look, how I turned out! (click here)
By the way, before I go on I would like to tell you readers, I have a new
mini section thing in my ‘column’. It is called Rant of the Fortnight (or ROTF
for short) which will feature a mini rant of mine that I want to get off my
chest. It will feature right down the bottom of the article after the Author’s
Note, so don’t miss that after you read my whole article.
Here you go, the question thingies! (I don’t know what you would call them.
Do I look like a walking dictionary?)
“I just ordered some Neopian Briefs from your company. It turns out the
pair I received were printed with the Asparagus on White design instead of the
El Pickulsaur Yellow and Orange design. What to you plan to do about this?”
“I wonder who I know in the Complaints Compartment decided to forward company
complaints personally to me? Real funny, Mr Weewoo. I’ll send you some of my
own briefs if you REALLY want a replacement.”
“My Neopets were knights on Darigan's side. Now that the orb is broken,
we plan to take over the world. Can you help us on that one? ” Abs-orb-able
“Poor chap, you should really help him out. Dari, a very sad villain. If you
want to send any donations to this very worthy cause.”
S.O.D (Save our Darigan)
Lord Darigan’s Citadel
13 Mwhaha! Road, Meridell.
“Who in Neopia is Boochi? He has some nerve to come up to one of my Neopets
and turn them into a Baby Neopet!” Big Baby
“Pure peer pressure, I tell you! Boochi comes up to really sad Neopets and
convinces to paint themselves baby as a way of acceptance into Neopian Society.
DRINK NEOCOLA! Be as popular as a HCer starting a wishboard! WOOT!”
“Dear Doctor Sloth, my Mutant Aisha has recently started to act really
weird. He keeps running into walls and eats crayons. Are crayons poisonous?”
“Let me give you two a conundrum! Choose! Death by chocolate or death by crayons?
Well, if your Aisha goes with chocolate, I would try to avoid her eating Poison
Ivy Green or Dung Brown.”
“What do you do in your spare time?” Waste of Time
“The usually villain stuff. Flower arranging, walks on the beach, making deserts
and wishing for world peace. Did you expect less from me?”
“Ciao Sloth! Quick question. Why do you live in space?” Is this
“Its the only place where it isn’t illegal to fart in a suit. A space suit
that is. Also the jail cells are quite affordable in this world. Did you know,
villains have to pay rent for jail cells that are the size of shoe boxes. Its
“Dear Sloth, Have you heard about the Mutant Aisha Twins?” Brains
“Everything goes in one ear and out the brother. Yeah, I have heard that joke
“Sloth, do you personally test and try all the Neopian Briefs before you
put them on the market? ” Dung One
“Yes, I wear every pair of briefs once and then reseal the packages. Shh!!
Don’t tell anyone.”
“When did you know you wanted to be a great evil villain with a sense of
humour?” Sense of Adventure
“Ever since I was two and I stole my first spaceship. It was so funny, I crashed
into the window of a takeaway drive-thru of a well known Neopian Fast Food chain.
The girl behind the window asked me “If I wanted to buy something?” No! She
didn’t think to help me. Wonder why? Did I have a sign of my head when I was
born saying “I’m a evil villain, please ignore me!”
“Dear Dr. Sloth: Why steal Plushieowner's account? Why not MINE? (No! Don't,
please. Uhh, giving an example!) ” Signed, Cheese ‘High’ Roller
“Er, you don’t have Usukis to play with in your account, do you? *plays with
Steff’s Hawaiian Usuki* Aww, it has a flower in its hair! That's so kawaii!
Did you know Master Vex collects them, too? hehe. Bet you 100 Neopoints you
didn’t know that.”
“Dear Dr Sloth, is it your fault the Jelly Usul has three arms? I know
you like mutants so I thought I'd ask. ” Believer in -insertthatplacenamehere-
“What Jelly Usul? These jelly jokes are getting lame. Why don't yellow Usuls
eat Jelly? They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little
“Dr Sloth tell me why are you so mean to those poor little Grundos?”
“Get in my tummy, little Grundos! Mmmm... Grundo ribs.”
“Any hidden talents, Sloth? ” Talent Search
“I can wiggle my ears, turn water into rose wine and cook a mean Roast Babaa
with veggies. Oh and I have mastered farting along to some of the tunes to Plushieowner’s
‘Give my Regards to Neopia’ with my armpit.”
“Do you own a Kau?” Just Wondering'
“Yup, good ole Betsy. Heard the latest Kau joke? What do Kaus wear in Mystery
Island? Moo- moos.”
“Howdy! My Mutant Moehog (which was a nice Shoyru but a year ago you made
it into a Mutant Moehog against my wishes) is now murmuring about you and a
Slime Faerie? Any comments and what is a Slime Faerie? ” Slime Ball
“That's a polite way of telling a Faerie she is losing her looks. Not that
I would ever say that to a girl. ”
“|3U7 1 (@//'7U//|)3|257@//|) //|-|1(|-| |)1@|_3(7 0|= |_337 7|”
-|@7 //@5. o.O-
“GET ME A TRANSLATOR!! Any newbie will do! Felicia, I can’t work with questions
like this!!! Are you readers mocking me?”
“Why has the price to play the Wheel of Excitement risen from 100 Neopoints
to 150 Neopoints?” Wheely Good
“Insurance. Pets and people keep getting hooked on the edge of the wheel spinner.
Its quite funny, already.”
“Dear Sloth, What ever happened to Garoo. I really liked him, but it doesn't
seem like he's around any more. WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!?” Garoo Lover.
“I don’t know, he wouldn’t fit in my biggest cook pot.
“Do Draik eggs really have to do with the kidnappings?” Burnt at
“I can answer this question Editorial style. Maybe... (insert smilie here)”
“Sloth, Wow, I really love you, you know. I'd do anything for you. Anyway,
in the 'Coming Soon' page, they say that you are going to return. Are you and
if so, do you know when?” Your Most Devoted Follower
“I’m coming back soon to Neopia as a Mootix. To bug people.”
“Why do you talk so negatively about Roxy? Her advice is far superior to
yours. ” Roxy Fan
“Er, who got Quote of Week and made the front page in Issue 112... You owe
me 10k on that bet you made Roxy the other day. I don’t want to sound stuck
up but face the facts, honey. Humour is in, Drama was so yesterday.”
“|)0 j00 |_||||)3|25+4|||)? (4|| 1 |21+3 |/|3554935 1|| 133+?” Is that
really a language?” So Yesterday
“Yup and I’m a Mynci’s uncle. Er, I mean really. Isn’t it obvious that this
rubbish isn’t a real language? It was made by the tribe of Unspeakable Horror
to decode messages sent by the Asparagus Gods.”
“Dr. Sloth. Why are you wasting your time writing silly articles, when
you could be plotting world domination?” Plotty Dotty
“Good point! I don’t know. I don’t have a life, same with Roxy. She could
be ending world hunger or something useful, the goodie two shoes.”
“Funny question for you, Slothy. If buttered toast always lands butter
side down and a Wocky always land on its feet. If you tie a piece of buttered
toast (butter side up) on the back of an Wocky. Which side will it land on?”
“Ouch! My head hurts...”
“My sisters keep mistaking me for a checkerboard. What do they know! My
hypothesis is they are nothing but a bunch of squares because they read Roxy's
Advice! Take that Roxy! ” Viki, who is the pet of a girl named Tiff that
is stalking you
“Take that Rox! Another satisfied Sloth fan..”
“Looselyknown, you crazy Lupe! Hush!!! I'm trying to speak to Dr. Sloth!
*howling continues anyway* Dr. Sloth, why is he doing this? And how do I stop
my Lupe howling!” Lord of the Lupes
“Maybe he needs a ‘friend’? Oh, that's right! Neodating is a taboo subject.
Oops-a-daisy! How about a Chia chew toy?”
“Hey, Slothy, does Balthazar happen to be in the same jail as you? If so
drop him a line for me, okay? ” Balthazar Fan
“Good chap, I once shared a bunk in jail with him for a while. He kept battling
at me during his sleep though. What do I look like? A Faerie! That guy needs
“Sloth, why Grundos? I don't get it! ” Grundo Defender
“Delicious, nutritious. Tastes like chic.. er, Lenny. :)
“Dear Dr. Sloth: I have a roommate that cares nothing for NeoPets. The
only reason she knows they exist is because I throw my stuffed Kougra at her.
How can I convince her that NeoPets is the greatest thing since peanut butter
and get her to join? Do you realise that according to Roxy you are fashionable?
"Besides, black is always in style." Doesn't this bother you at all?“ Sincerely,
“Lunge!! I’m your biggest fan!!! Is there a part for a handsome, suave villain
in your next series? Back to the topic at hand. Mmmm.... crunchy peanut butter.
Nothing is better than peanut butter with sliced bread. You need to brainwash
this roommate. Go to the Space Station Weapon Shop and buy a Hypno Helmet. Lunge
and put the helmet on her head! Program the settings to ‘Brainwash’ mode and
Voila! (Not the Viola, the Battledome programmer.) Or you could make her a big
juicy bowl of Jelly Limas and Cheese next time its your turn to cook and make
dinner or desert.
Fashionable? Awww... poor Roxy is running out of insults.”
“Can I hug you? Please?” Friend Until the End
“ER, not in front of the Mrs. How about a handshake?”
“A long time ago, it said in the New Features that the Kau at the magic
shop started the mutant pet morphing potion trend? Does the Kau work for you?
Who started it all?” Mutated Dude
“Kauvara, she’s eye candy. I’m referring to the spooky food, that is. She doesn’t
do anything. I’m the one who makes the transmogrification potions, if that is
what you are refering to.”
“How many times have you been schemed against? ” Not with the Times
“Too many. Stupid evil alter ego!”
“I was wondering why you wear the long black robe? The Judge look is out
this season. May I suggest something a bit daring and fun? How 'bout a lil black
skirt? With you height being 6'3" I would wear flats with it. Whadya think?
” Fashion Fanatic, Darigan
“According to ‘Rox your Sox!’ black is supposed to be fashionable. Oh well!
Why not, a skirt? A skirt would be nice and breezy for Summer. You talk Dari!
I’ll wear a skirt if I see you wear that shimmery dress I saw in your wardrobe.
I think it was your wardrobe.”
“How is it that you can raid Plushieowner's inbox when you're supposed
to be behind bars?” Rising the Bar
“Subliminal brainwashing. Of course... you humans believe anything? By the
way, Neoschools are being released today. Hehe.”
“Who’s Chet Flash?” Gone in a Flash
“Chet waz here. That is all I’m saying.”
“Dear Dr. Sloth: OH MY GOSH! I thought you were best friends with Lord Darigan!
(And that was the only reason I liked you.) What's the deal? I am confused!”
“That's not very nice. Evil villains have feelings too, you know? Lord Dari
and I were friends but we are having a separation period away from each other.
Its for the best. Do you know what he did? He stole stuff from me including
my precious power tools. What the heck is he going to do with my electric power
“Sloth, why do you smell like a Skeith that hasn't bathed in 50 years?
” The Stinker
“Have we met? I don’t think Smello-phones exist at all in Neopia.”
“Dear Dr. Sloth, My Zafara is getting weird and asking me things such as
"Why does Dr. Sloth have so many 'mwahahahaha's' in his advice columns?" or
"Why do they call him 'Dr' if he doesn't have a diploma?" Desperate Owner
“I have a diploma in stating the bleeding obvious. Duh! mwahhahaa! Your Zafara
isn’t weird. Tough cheddar, if your Zafara doesn't like my 'mwhahahas’.
“I've been a guard for you for 12 months And am wondering why Mynci's are
invading your office. Space Invader
“Wait a minute?! Guards!? ER, I didn’t hire any guards recently. You sure
you were not hired by a bunch of Chia clowns who dress up as Sloth for parties
and other entertainment functions?”
“My Kougra was recently zapped by the lab ray gun, but I am worried about
her because she has been acting like a clone of you. Are you sure you didn't
enslave her? ” Worried about her Little Ickle Baby Kougra
“According to the Neopedia I haven’t enslaved any Neopets! mwhahahahaaa!!!
This is going from those people who still haven’t bought out Neoschool yet.
Tsk, tsk. Can they be trusted? Plushieowner thinks yes, I on the other hand
think no way.”
“Dear Dr. Sloth, do you like asparagus? Maybe you had a little too much
when you were born? ” Sprouts Aren’t Good Enough
“Yeah, I’m a bitty nutty. The asparagus might be behind my strange behaviour.”
“Tk, Al, Stone,Noremac, Blue are all guys who are Times Legends in art
of Comedy but I more like to say I think you have what it takes to be ‘the next
big thing’ . Any comments?” Laugh A Minute
“Gimme my cheque and my oversized honey-gazed ham!! An award? Does that mean
I’m getting an award? I would like to thank my make up artist, my Weewoo, my
fans, my good mate Stoneman3x and my disgusting family. And all those who are
worth mentioning who I can’t remember off my head.
Want More Sloth? I know you do! Read Ask ‘Dr’ Sloth: The Doctor is In!
in Issue 110 or Doctor, Doctor Gimme the News! in Issue 112. Of course, if you
haven’t already done so.
Author’s Note: I would just to point out I love my fan base! And of course
they love me back! Did you see the photo of the fan girl on the front of page
of 112! I’m blessed! Ladies love me!
Need Cooking Advice? To solve your Neopet’s medical problems? To fix your
failed world domination plans? Or whatever else you be solve or know please
let me know! Neomail Plushieowner’s account and she will unwillingly pass them
onto me to read.
Rant of the Week: Big Egos! I hate people who think I have an expanded
head, that's plushieowner. I don’t even have tickets on myself except Neopian
Lottery tickets. I’m bound to win it someday. Come on! It isn’t like Adam rigged
it! I hope not!