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I blinked several times in rapid succession. A glassiness
came over my eyes and my head was spinning so fast I really couldn't focus on
The Neopian Times article. But my brain did manage to lock onto a couple of key
phrases.
"The yellow Meerca disappeared last night from the Meerca Chase Pit of
the Games Pavilion in Neopia Central..."
"Local authorities believe it was the work of a notorious ring of verminous
pirate kidnappers..."
"Several patrons of Pizzaroo claim that a yellow Meerca fitting the description
of the kidnapped Meerca was seen in the company of several maniacal-looking
characters yesterday evening..."
"The Meerca in question was crying loudly and seemed very upset, one Pizzaroo
customer observed..."
"The Chia police warn that at least one of the kidnappers, a pirate Krawk, is
armed and dangerous..."
"Are you going to make scrambled neggs now?" a cheery
voice exploded into my consciousness, sending me leaping upwards about three
feet.
In my own humble opinion, I think I pirouetted quite
impressively in mid-air before I landed on one foot. I looked down at the grinning
Meerca.
"Ummm... there's been a change of plans, RC..." I
said, trying to at least not sound as alarmed as I looked. "Why don't
you just eat it raw? It's better for you that way... more vermins and maniacals...
I mean, more vitamins and minerals..."
I grabbed a negg off of the kitchen table and tossed
it to him. I didn't even pause to see if he caught it. I just wandered catatonically
into the living room. Stonewolf3x glanced up from the TV as I entered the room.
"I guess he's seen The Neopian Times," he said to
Krawk with a sour tone.
"Arrr, ye be right Cap'n," his bodyguard drawled as
he looked over at me for a brief moment.
I plopped down into my stone armchair.
"This isn't funny guys," I said, nervously squirming
in the hard, uncushioned chair.
"Who's laughing?" Wolf snorted.
"Should we go to the Chia police?" I asked more as
a suggestion than a question. "We could tell them that it's all a misunderstanding..."
"Excellent idea!" Wolf replied with a trace of sarcasm.
"I'll go shopping for fire motes tomorrow. I'll probably only need a couple
of thousand of them to unfreeze you when they are done with you."
I could feel a spasm of fear crawl up my spine like
a swarm of frosty-footed Cootys.
"F-f-freeze me?" I sputtered.
"Arrr, but the last time I heard, stealing Neopets
is a freezin' offense," Krawk said with a shrug.
"But it's all just a simple misunderstanding..." I
mumbled, looking back and forth between them, searching for sympathy. I would
have better luck searching for buried treasure on the Virtupets Space Station.
Before either one of them could reply, a news bulletin suddenly blared out from
the radio.
"Good morning. This is Chet Flash with some new developments
in the kidnapping drama that is unfolding in Neopia Central. Live at the scene
is Sally Usul. Sally?"
"Yes, Chet. I am here live at the Meerca Chase Arena
in the Neopia Central Games Pavilion. Here with me now is a key witness to last
night's alleged Meerca-napping. Excuse me, sir," the Usul said as she shoved
her microphone towards a strangely familiar blue Kacheek in a back and white
striped shirt. "You have some information that the police consider an important
clue in this terrible crime?"
"Yes, I do," the Kacheek referee said, puffing out
his chest with importance. "Yesterday several troublemakers disrupted a Meerca
Chase game I was officiating. Three of them jumped into the arena. One of them
had a big jagged sword. They created quite a scene and one of them even grabbed
the Meerca! It took me and two Skeith assistants to wrestle the Meerca away
from this guy."
Sally Usul looked at the camera with a raised eyebrow.
"Can you describe these ruffians?" she asked, still waving her microphone under
the Kacheek's nose.
"I didn't really notice the other two very well, but
the ringleader was a huge hairy mutant gorilla-human wearing lucky green boots."
I slumped down in my chair. I felt like a Grundo who
has just been told that he has been given the supreme honor of becoming Grundo
stix for Dr. Sloth's dinner. And the news bulletin wasn't even over.
"I have with me here Officer Bookem of the Chia Police
Department," the Usul said, thrusting her microphone in the opposite direction.
"Do you have a comment, Officer Bookem?"
An incredibly short yellow Chia stiffened noticeably
when the camera turned on him. He leaned forward towards the microphone.
"Yes, Sally, I have," he said with a stern, formal
air. "We have reason to believe that the disturbance at the Meerca Chase Pit
was actually a political statement. Certain evidence points to the probability
that this kidnapping was an act of terrorism performed by Neopet Rights Activists
protesting the use of real Meercas for Meerca Chase. There are certain radicals
in this world who actually believe that games like this are cruel. They apparently
have no sense of good, clean, harmless fun."
Sally tsk-tsked and shook her head sympathetically.
"So what are the police doing now to bring these alleged horrible dastardly
villains who committed this alleged heinous vile act to swift, unforgiving justice?"
The Chia did a double-take but replied cooly, "We
have started a NeoHome to NeoHome search for the kidnapped Meerca. When we have
finished combing Neopia Central, we will dispatch police units to neighborhoods
in the Spooky Woods, Krawk Island and Tyrannia."
"Why have you chosen to search those places first,
Officer Bookem?" the Usul inquired.
"Because that's where the usual suspects hang out,"
he replied. "Alleged horrible dastardly villains who commit alleged heinous
vile acts are fairly predictable."
I winced and I believe I probably whimpered too. I
cast a helpless, forlorn look at my two horrible, dastardly partners in crime.
But the frosty looks I got back told me that if the Chia Police ever showed
up at our NeoHome, they would toss me to the Gelerts.
"What should we do?" I moaned, twisting the spotted
cover on my stone armchair nervously.
"We could move to Faerieland," Wolf sneered.
Krawk was a little more helpful. "Arrr, but there
be only one wise thing to do in situations like this," he drawled thoughtfully.
"What's that?" I asked, a balloon of hope inflating
in my tortured soul.
"Get yerself a good lawyer, matey."
The balloon of hope deflated in my tortured soul.
"I think the answer is pretty obvious," Wolf said
with exasperation. "Why don't we just take him back to the Meerca Pit? We don't
have to talk to the police or anyone. Just sneak him back in and drop him off."
Before I could answer, I heard a soft, squishy thud
behind me. I turned to see Reallyconfused standing there with his jaw open.
A look of complete dismay was on his face and a half-eaten negg rolled at his
feet.
"Oh, Manny!" he whimpered. "I don't wanna go back!"
Tears puddled up in his tiny beady black eyes.
I rose slowly from my seat. What Wolf had said actually
made sense. I was kind of trapped into keeping this Meerca in the first place.
And I sure didn't want to be sent on a permanent frozen holiday to wild and
wonderful Oblivion City. None of this was my fault and I didn't want any of
it to happen. It just did. This was going to be a hard thing to say, but I knew
it had to be done. I was firmly resolved to...
"Don't worry, RC. You're not going anywhere. You're
staying right here."
... totally wimp out.
Wolf groaned and rolled his eyes. "Oh, infested peachy,"
he snarled.
A streak of yellow sailed into my arms and I felt
a familiar airway blocking choke-hold on my neck.
"Wheee!" he squealed rapturously.
I pried his chubby paws from my neck. "Ummm... it's
Stone. My name is Stone. Not Manny," I wheezed.
The Meerca popped out of my arms and began bouncing
around the living room on the crook of his curved tail.
"Stoney Stone Stone Stone says I can stayie stay stay
stay!" he chirped in a singsong zigzag around the Lupe and the Krawk.
I looked over at them. They didn't seem too pleased.
Especially the Lupe. His upper lip was curled back, exposing very large and
gleaming canine teeth. And those large canine teeth were gleaming in my direction.
"Look," I sighed. "We'll figure something out guys.
But he doesn't want to go back to smashing into walls for a living and I don't
blame him. So the Meerca stays. We'll just have to figure something out, that's
all."
"Good luck," Wolf snarled as he turned on his tail
and walked out. He was followed, as usual, by his band of Lupe groupies.
"Hey, c'mon guys!" I called out after them.
The front door closed with a loud click. Whatever
fate had in store for me, I was apparently on my own. RC retrieved his dropped
negg from the floor and resumed his happy nibbling. He made a series of yum-yum
noises for at least a minute.
"So what are we going to do today?" he asked with
an eager and innocent cheerfulness.
"Ummm... I'll have to think about that for a moment..."
I replied, shoving my hands into my pockets. I always shoved my hands into my
pockets when I wasn't sure what else to do. My fingers connected with a piece
of cardboard. I pulled it out and looked at it.
ADVISOR WESSLE
Advisor to the Royal Court of King Coltzan III
and legal expert on Neopian law
"You break the law, I fix it."
1336 Sphinx Road, Lost Desert
Office: 555-8429 Fax: 555-5761
I reached over to the end table and picked up my shell
phone. Putting the curved crustacean to my ear, I listened for sound-of-the-ocean
dial tone. Then I dialed 555-8429. A nasally yet feminine voice spoke on the
other end.
"You have reached the law office of Wessle, Wrestle,
Weasel and Palpus. How may I help you?"
"Ummm... my name is Stoneman3x and I was wondering
if I could talk to..."
"Advisor Wessle has been expecting your call. Please
hold," the nasally yet feminine voice said crisply, cutting me off.
I stood in stunned silence for a moment. I wasn't
done being stunned when a dignified and only barely familiar voice shattered
my deep-freeze.
"Ah, yes. You're the guy with the pizza-eating Meerca,
right?" he said brightly. "I saw the news this morning and had a suspicion that
you might call for legal advice. My retaining fee is a two dubloon coin, payable
before I begin any work on your case. I will expect you to cover my daily expenses,
court costs and filing fees. I charge a flat rate of a ten dubloon coin, payable
when the case is closed. However, your first legal consultation is free. Click."
The shell phone went dead before I could answer. The
swishing noise of the ocean dial tone sloshed in my ear. I immediately called
the number back. If I hadn't still been in partial stun mode, I might have had
the common sense not to.
"You have reached the law office of Wessle, Wrestle,
Weasel and Palpus. How may I help you?" the nasally yet feminine voice greeted
me once more.
"Ummm..." I began.
"Advisor Wessle has been expecting your call. Please
hold," the nasally yet feminine voice said crisply, cutting me off AGAIN. The
distinguished-sounding voice came on the line once more.
"Ah, Mr. Stoneman3x. I'm glad you called back. That
will be ten Neopoints, please."
"Ten Neopoints?" I sputtered. "For what? You said
the first consultation was free!"
"It was," Advisor Wessle said calmly. "But this is
your second phone call."
I was really tempted to hang up, but I figured I might
as well get my ten Neopoints worth, since I was already trapped into it.
"I... I... " I said, trying to remember what I was
going to say but had forgotten while being flustered.
"You are in a legal bind and you need my advice. You
came to the right Kyrii. I can help. As soon as I get my two dubloon coin and
ten Neopoints, of course.
I broke out of my trance long enough to jump in with
a question.
"Exactly what can you do to help me?" I asked.
"I can keep you from doing time in an frozen ice-cellblock,"
he stated flatly.
"Ummm... so how do I get this dubloon to you?" I asked
as sweat began beading up on my forehead.
"I'll be by in an a couple of hours to pick it up.
Of course, that will be a face-to-face consultation and I charge 25 Neopoints
for that."
"Are you SURE you can..." I began.
Click. Swish swish dial tone.
It had been a really depressing and fairly expensive
morning so far. Of course, the morning was only just beginning. By the time
evening would come, I would look back on the morning and think of it as the
glowing high point of the day.
To be continued...
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