Surviving On the Streets Without Not Surviving
|DUSTY STREET - Imagine walking down a dusty street. It could even be a clean street
-- I'm just trying to set a mood here. On this street, the market traders are
everywhere. They try to sell you this and that, haggling and shouting. But they
sell to all the yous BUT you. You aren't on their radar. You are a street rat.
You have no money, no credibility, and most importantly, you have a pointy little
red hat with a funny tassel. You will go hungry when everyone else is dining on
gourmet food. And that's not even what you're worried about. There are Chia Police
searching everywhere for you, since you're wanted for Grand Theft Ultimate Burger.
Okay, so stop imagining. Seems pretty rough, right? Well, some of it's kind
of rough, but the really bad part is obvious: little pointy hat. On second thought,
those are probably the fashion police. All this, and it's just a mere fraction
of life on the street. Or life on the cloud, in Faerieland. And they're really
sort of tunnels in the Darigan Citadel. Not to mention Maraqua, where you're
just swimming around evading a giant Slug. But the point is really quite simple:
you've got to survive, one way or another. Welcome to the another.
We're going to do this in chronological order -- beginning with becoming street
scum. In other words, we'll start off with the bad luck. I'm not going to go
through every possibility you may have lost all your cold hard cash through.
For instance, I'm not going to guess gambling, poor investing, robbery, excessive
spending, poorly chosen lending, a very hungry Skeith, a very hungry Grarrl,
the Pant Devil, an overly greedy Tax Beast, or Alien Aisha abduction. I'm not
going to mention any of that in a long string of guesses -- we're just going
to cut to the chase. You have no money. You are dead broke. Deal with it.
Your first priority is probably finding food. This is both good and bad. The
good news is, I know you haven't gotten desperate enough to sell your organs
off. The bad news is, you're really hungry. When faced with this fact, most
of unfortunate members of the elite poor guys society steal cheeseburgers and
purple fruit. I don't really recommend this: mainly because I have a reputation
to keep, you know. Of course, that is a bit of a stretch, but... we're moving
on now. I recommend eating your own leg. Seriously, that sounds crazy, but it
works. In fact, you can eat both your legs. You don't need those. You can just
hobble around like a crazed maniac. But more importantly, you will get a new
class: handicapped. This gives all sort of advantages. Let's see, there's getting
some respect, getting a really cool chair with wheels, getting to go really
fast down hill, and you even get some money for having no legs! You get NPs
for eating FOOD! Insane, I know, but one of the greatest secrets in life. However,
before you get out the Sinsi's Sword and a fork, read the rest of this article.
If you eat your legs, you'll no longer be a street rat. That won't do.
Assuming you've got a full tummy for a few moments of nutritious bliss, you
need to worry about a lot of other things besides food. Being on the street
is like being from a meat factory -- in other words, you're dead meat. There
are predators around every slightly sandy corner, mildly run-down alley way,
and slightly in disrepair curb. They're waiting, watching, spying on your every
move. Whether they're really hungry, out for revenge, or just woke up on the
wrong side of their Straw Bed, they still have one common intent: to get you.
Since this is a pretty big problem, I have compiled a list of all the most famous
tramps throughout the centuries' writings. Here they are:
Might I mention that all the most famous tramps are illiterate. This poses
problems when looking for Street Rat Handbooks 'sides this one. Looks like you're
stuck with me. You're probably illiterate, too. Anyway, I should stop stating
you're illiterate and move on. Keep reading.
To evade scary people, look over your shoulder a lot. While you'll be able
to see a lot of people coming up behind you, this will make people think you're
carrying something of value, and you'll get a small army following soon enough.
This is actually a very good thing, because it's a necessity for your big musical
sequences. And as we all know, any street rat worth their Salt Mote has big
sequences questioning morals and such.
One really important aspect of bumming it1 is to get a strange
little animal friend who carries out your every whim. Actually, I think they're
just there so you can talk to something besides your hat. Talking to a hat can
be extremely boring. Much less interesting than talking to a Pet Rock. Some
recommendations of mine for a petpet are the following -- Pet Rock, a Pink Pet
Rock, a Halloween Pet Rock, a Blue Pet Rock, a Green Pet Rock, Purple Pet Rock,
Plushie Pet Rock, or a Glowing Pet Rock. These are all very friendly petpets
who will never say no. They'll never say much of anything, but, uh, that's a
definite bonus when sneaking around in the guard house!
But all this is like a grain of sand in a Skeith's second-to-last tail spike
compared to what I am about to tell you. That is to say, like a a pile of Spooky
Jelly Brains in an Old Boots open heel in comparison to the following information!
And this speck of Mootix antennae, this piece of prosthetic limb, is so earth-shattering,
so Faerie-Pancake-ripping, so awe-inspiring... okay, I'll get on with it and
leave the hype out. It's kind of cool, anyway. It's called Begtopia, all right?
It's where beggars live like kings, and don't do any work -- where you sit around
and your NeoHome cleans itself. Where you actually HAVE a NeoHome. Maybe I should
just show you this ancient poem describing it. Here you are.
There is a land quite far away, Unless you live really close to it, In which
case it's not really far, But kind of close, I guess.
It's a place of wonder; place of awe, Place where you can eat coleslaw, No
matter if you're rich or poor, No matter if you something that rhymes with poor.
It's where the beggars go when all is lost, Where there's not a single lodging
cost, You can sleep anywhere and eat anything, You can and play and dance and
All this and so much, much more, It's really not that far away, Oh wait, I
said it was earlier, didn't I? But if you're close it's not that far, So I'm
right. So there. And, uh, something, something day!
It's called Begtopia, where the beggars go, I already said that too, um, snow.
And I there's a hole in the bottom of the sea, Ohhh, there's a hole in the bottom
So there you have it-- Begtopia described in a Chocolate Covered Peanut shell.
I guess beggars never were the greatest poets. Second greatest, I guess. Right
next to the Monoceraptor and the Cave Chia.
There's one finally thing us-- er, you-- beggars need to know. It's a contradiction
to the phrase, "Beggars can't be choosers." I intend to fully prove that phrase
wrong. There are several types of beggars you can be!
The "Do What You Gotta Do, Man!" Street Rat
These are people who just have to steal to eat, since they gotta eat to live,
otherwise they get along. Just an Ummagine here and a Bagguss there -- nothing
that anyone will miss. Just tell the Elephante guards that. Or the Kau guards.
Whoever's after you, just tell them that! See what they say right before they
tackle you to the ground and drag your sorry rear off to jail. Also, this is
a good choice for really, really dumb people, since you can play games and buy
an Ummagine for around 1 NP, rather than risking your whole livelihood on the
The "I'm Dirty, Stinky, and My Name is Dumpy!" Bum
This guy is one tough customer. Actually, if he's in your shop, don't let
him get to second base-- the customer part. Just kick him out. Anyone like this
is usually referred to as a plank in Neopia's eye, a green lump you found in
your armpit that morning, or Stoneman3x. Those are all next each other in the
thesaurus -- I checked, double-checked, and re-double-check, trust me. These
guys are just nasty criminals who will eventually end up in an ice cube; and
I don't mean for a soft drink.
The "I'm rea' laaazy..." Guy Rat Thing
These people are very hard to write about, because the do very little. They
just get by on what hits the ground, five second rule notwithstanding. If you
see one of these folk lying around on a street corner, be careful to keep your
Spotted Sludgy away from them.
And that sums it up folks -- hopefully, I've taught Neopia how to be more
slothful, dishonest, inconsiderate, and generally stupid in a mere several hundred
words. My work here is done.
1A very difficult word, which should be quarreled about and blamed
on other geographical locations.