SPACE STATION - We all know of Dr. Frank Sloth. He's terrorized your homes and
pets for years, constantly, vainly, trying to take over Neopia. He's your resident,
run-of-the-mill, evil doctor. Or is he?
Yes, he is. But I thought that there must be more than just an evil side to
this doctor. I thought, "Buddy, you handsome devil you, there most be more than
just an evil side to this doctor." That's when I decided to get the inside scoop
on Dr. Frank Sloth; try and get inside his head, see what he was like before
he came to be know as the bad guy we know of him today.
First, I had to find Frank. After his last defeat, Sloth plunged into secrecy,
hiding himself from the world. It's not as easy as looking his name up in the
phone book. I had to do some real sleuthing.
I had an agent on the inside that got me the location of Sloth's hideout.
This "operator," as she wished to be addressed, was able to give me the location
of Sloth's "house," as his lair was codenamed. I suggested we go out for a "date"
and discuss the information further. She immediately hung up on me; I can only
assume she did this for my protection.
After achieving the location of Sloth's lair, I proceeded to go there to meet
him and get my interview. Upon arrival at Sloth's secret "house," I was greeted
by two green Grundos who took me into the "lair of evil."
Inside, there were many evil devices about; I can assume they were part of
Frank's up-and-coming master plan.
The Grundo led me into Sloth's office, where he immediately greeted me with
a warm handshake and a friendly smile. After introductions, we began our interview:
Buddy: Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of this interview, Mr. Sloth.
Sloth: It's no problem. As an evil doctor, I have plenty of downtime.
Buddy: Of course, which leads into my first question, what's it like being
an evil doctor?
Sloth: Well, it's like being a queen.
Buddy: I assume you mean king.
Sloth: Err... um, yes, of course. Anyway, it's like being a king. I can do
anything I want, whenever I want. Like this, watch.
At this moment, Sloth snaps his fingers. Immediately, a red Grundo enters.
The doctor orders the Grundo to get down on all fours and act as a vibrating
Sloth: See? I can do anything! Buddy: Impressive! So, why Grundos?
Sloth: Grundos are easy to control and look good in almost any color. Sometimes,
I like to bunch a whole group of them together and look down on them. It looks
like a bag of Skittles!
Buddy: Very impressive! We all know of the Dr. Frank Sloth who tries to constantly
destroy Neopia, but what was it like for you as a child? What was your childhood
Sloth: Well, I lived the life of any young, evil doctor. My parents were both
Buddy: Evil veterinarians?
Sloth: No, just regular veterinarians. I grew up in a normal school, but I
was anything but normal. The other pets were constantly making fun of me because
I liked to read about evil things. They made fun of me when I told them about
how I wanted to grow up and take over Neopia.
At this point, Frank began to sob slightly.
Buddy: There there, doctor. It's okay, there's no need to cry.
I bent over and helped to comfort the good doctor for the next few minutes.
Afterward, he regained his posture and we continued with the interview.
Buddy: So what did your parents say when you told them about your ambitions?
Sloth: They didn't like the idea at first, but after I threatened to make
them the first of my new slave army, they came around. To tell you the truth,
though, I don't know if I'm really cut out to be an evil doctor.
Buddy: What do you mean?
Sloth: I'm considering changing professions and giving up evil doctor-ness.
I'm thinking about becoming something more…peaceful. Like a florist.
Buddy: An evil florist?
Sloth: No, just a regular florist. Why does everyone automatically assume
I want to do something evil?! Can't I do something non-evil for once? Can't
Buddy: Well, I just thought…
Sloth: There's more to me than just being evil! I have a sensitive side, too,
you know! I enjoy other things besides torturing pets and trying to take over
Neopia. I like stopping to smell the flowers, I enjoy warm baths, long walks
on the beach, or just relaxing by the fire in fluffy, pink slippers.
You know, being an evil doctor isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes,
I just want to be a regular florist, but I can't because everyone just automatically
assumes I want to be evil. There's more to me than that, you know.
At this point, we once again had to halt the interview, as I again comforted
poor Frank. When he finally got passed the tears, we returned to the interview.
Buddy: So, you've tried many-a-time to conquer Neopia. But, you always seem
to fail. Why is it that you can never take over Neopia?
Sloth: Well, all those times I failed don't really count.
Buddy: Really? Why is that?
Sloth: See, when I battled the Space Faerie, she played an evil trick on me.
When I was about to destroy her, she pointed to something behind me and shouted
'Look!' Of course, when I did look, there was nothing there. By the time I realized
what she had done, she had foiled my plan.
Buddy: Wow! That really is evil!
Sloth: Yes, I know. It hurt my feelings badly.
Buddy: Please don't cry again.
Sloth: Don't worry. I'm all out of tears.
Buddy: Well, I that's about all I have for today. One final question, though.
What did you get a Doctorate in?
Buddy: Wow. I bet those were some hard tests. Well, that's it. Anything else
you'd like to add before I go?
Sloth: Just that all of Neopia should be prepared, for someday soon, Sloth
will take over. And all shall tremble at my feet!
Buddy: Whoa, now that's deep. Great words from a great man. Well, thank you
for the interview, and we hope to see you again real soon.
So, as you can see, there's more to Sloth than just being evil. Today, we
learned about Sloth's past, his hopes for the future, and that he cries easier
than my little sister. I truly didn't want to see him break down; it was pathetic.
Some things should just be kept in the closet.
Author's Note: This article was sponsored by my guild, NTAG. A big thanks
goes out to our leader, Tdyans, for coming up with the concept and for giving
me the chance to write this piece.