Author’s Note: This is written on Sloth’s behalf since he is currently spending
his time in jail on charges of ‘enslaving a human race’ and ‘world domination’.
Without a computer at the high security Space Station prison, he hasn’t be able
to submit this article he has written. So he asked me to visit him in prison to
give me the article in a brown paper bag.
He is now trying to appeal on bail and to get out on a ‘good behavior bond’. Like
he will keep that but he is desperate to get on a computer again to get his ‘Usuki
Frenzy’ fix. I know he would practically do anything to play one game of Usuki
Frenzy.
Though he would just me also to note for his fans, he spends his free time writing
sonnets and giving out his ‘worms of wisdom’ to any stupid person willing to listen
to him.
You know these things Neopians call ‘advice columns’? They crack me up. Mwhahaha!
Neopians have problems and they always feel the need to ‘tell the whole world’’.
Yes, I do realise I’m a Neopian. Well not officially, convicted felons aren’t
really classed as Neopians. It all started in the Summer of 99’ with my Acara
hippie friend, Moonbeam and I. We plotted to take over the world. She wanted
to start a Tyrannian Land War. No world peace for this little Neopet. World
peace at the time was only a cool thing for pets went in the Beauty Contest.
In my day, we didn’t have Pet, Site and Petpet Spotlight where every pet who
wins seems to be determined to rid the world of scammers and fights crime by
night. Ideal Neopia, my foot! Evil rules!
Looking at any of these contests, the picture (if any) that goes with these
types of entries are of a Uni with a perfectly tidy set of Snorkle tails.
No! Explain to me, how that can possible? Wouldn’t your hair be all messy
and blown all over the place? Not that I technically have hair, so I wouldn’t
know.
Oops, that's getting off the topic and that didn’t make any sense. Blah! Who
cares! I won’t bore you with the juicy details of world domination, you have
probably heard about in my biography. How about a shameless plug?! Just 1000
Neopoints in all good retail bookstores around Neopia! Mwhwha!
The cover had a big headshot of me on the cover and around Neopia I got nicknamed
“Vile Smile”.
WHAT! You haven’t read it! Shame on you! Oh yes, what was I talking about?
Ah, yes. Advice columns!
Boohoo! So you ‘can’t seem to take over the world?’ Poor you! If you have
a issue, here’s a tissue! Oh please! Come on! Be a tough cookie! What the Draik?
You Neopians get upset over nothing. Muwhwahhahaha!!! (That should use my 1000
word count up a bit)
Those columns, are usually answered my cyborgs or Neopets programmed to ‘dispense
like the Aisha Vending Machine’ helpful, no nonsense advice more often than
I have had hot dinners.
So my fellow my Slorgs, Ladles and Jellyspoons! (No, that's right. Jelly World
doesn’t exist. Oops, I knew that.) I, Sheridan (what are you laughing at?) ‘Frank’
Sloth present to you the anti advice column.
If a puny Shoyru, can do it. Why can’t I? No offence, lil’ Roxy. Mwhaha! Its
not like I plan to give out proper advice, that's what the editor of the Neopian
Times publishes your articles for. After if you see me around chilling with
a iced mocha, caramel latte in the Catacombs something, can I come up to you
for an autograph? Not for me though, for my daughter. She is a big fan. Typical
doesn’t like anything I write. Hmph!
As well as the usual, bombardment of random questions people have flooded me
with to answer. My ‘column’ will give you cooking advice/help because you know
all the Neopia’s greatest chefs are... Sloths. So true!
Oh, I also have ‘doctor’ credentials to answer embarrassing medical questions.
Um, okay. Moving right along.
So here you go! My ‘so called’ column.
“I have been working for months on a cookbook ‘Dung Culinary Delights’.
Think it will sell?” All Dung Up at the Moment
“Make sure you have double checked and test your recipes for taste and texture.
Have you added spices into your recipes? Chopped up celery, saffron and Chet
Flash is one of my personal favourite spice combinations to add to any recipe
you have created. BAM! :P mwhaha!
That will make your recipe book smell. Oh, I mean sell. Stupid ancient typewriter
I keep making mistakes, should of went out with the ‘Stoneman3x’ age. ”
“Describe yourself in three words.” Creator of the Dictionary
“World domination obsessed.”
“Any tips on how to be a superstar? ” Star Struck
“Go join a galaxy near the space station. Or go on some trashy, mindless Neopian
Reality show.”
“What do you think of Grundo's Cafe and the guy that runs it? As part of the
Gourmet Club and a member of the Neopian Food Critic Association, what do you
think of this establishment? You can’t order Faerie pancakes after 10 pm? What
is with that? The service is shocking.”
“Er, what do you expect from a guy with a wife, two bratty snot nosed children
who is also juggling a career of being a Ruler/Food Critic/Chef/CEO of Sloth
Enterprises and trying to be A-List Neopian socialite all at the same time.
Geez, I’m not one of those Defender of the Neopia people with super powers.
I can’t wave my fingers and “Poof!” there’s a Faerie pancakes with strawberries
and cream on a silver platter waiting to be eaten.”
“My neopet has some kind of medical problem and keeps making piles of dung
everywhere? What should I do?” Pooper Scooper
“Have you thought about going into the Neogarden manure business?”
“How to do you feel about Neopians licking the back of your head? I’m referring
to the bunch of stamps the Stamp shop released with your face on it. ” Stamp
Collector
“Yeah, I know the stamps you mean. The ones that make it seem like I have
a double chin and make me look really old. I thought they took those stamps
off the market! Voodoo stamps! Which advertising executive of Sloth Enterprises
thought of that idea, I don’t know? Why do I hire such as incompetence? Actually,
I’m so lazy I hire minions and slaves to choose employees that I need to hire.
”
“Where do you live?” Sloth Lover
“Seriously, can’t these stalkers get a life. Go stalk some other famous Neopians.
You can only have my address if you promise to bring a home made dessert when
you come and visit.”
“My hair is just awful, how do you style yours, Sloth?” Jhudora
“Ah... Jhudora, regular submitter to this so called “column”. Mwhahaha! You
have good taste in fashion. Why do you ask me for advice? But if you really
want my haircut, ask your hairdresser/personal stylist for ‘the Shankly’. Mwhhahaha!”
“Where do baby Neopets come from?” Illusen, the Earth Faerie
“Er, am I allowed to answer this? *whispers to Neopets Team*
Um, yeah. The Hidden ‘hahayoucantfindtheurl” Tower. ”
“Why did the Lenny cross the road?” To save a Pretty Lenny
“To enslave the human race. Duh! What do I look like? A comedian?”
“What is your advice on love?” Nadia the Peophin of Love
“Stay faraway from it! Blah! Hate is the new black in fashion, but when it
comes to raw feelings and emoti-cons. ”
“Howdy Sloth! What is the cure for a big ego?” Some sort of well
known author with 17 or 18 NT trophies
“Find another author with a bigger ego and trying comparing how better you
are to them. mwhahaha! By the way all of Neopia knows you sent the question
in Plushieowner! Who else fits that description?”
"I'm having some trouble when it comes to learning the tango in my dance
class. Have you any tips?" Rose Between the Teeth
“Don’t accidentally eat the rose. Ouch! Okay, I didn’t think of a ‘thorny’
answer for this question. So sue me!”
“What would be your last meal?” Gourmet Clubber
Roast Babaa and Rosemary. Mmm... Sheep of Doom.. Watch out Oddhatter! mwhaha!
“Are you that guy from Neopian Space Odyssey 101?!” Anonymous Science
Fiction Nut
No, no and NO. Not all evil minions are same. By the way were you the one
who held a Dalek up on the Neocam, the other day?
“Dear Sloth,
When scheming to take over Neopia, where do you start? I'm having so much trouble!”
Fyora
Hold your Poogles, Fyora! World domination! I would like to see that. You
could start girlfriend, by dropping the Hidden Tower prices. How can I equip
my evil minions with good Battledome weapons when you charge such shocking prices?
Not even my wife would pay 11 million for a Jhudora Bewitched Ring. What are
you trying to pull?
“Where’s the Lab Ray?” Lost and Confused
“Ask Doc. Zappy. :) Nobel prize winner and creator of the ‘Huh!’ award for
comics with gags that none finds funny beside the person who created the comic.”
“What is your favourite neopet? Mwhaha!” Asparagus Powers, creator
of Neopets
“Lenny. In my famous Sloth ‘delicious chicken broth’.”
“I’m trying to fit a Robo Poogle in my NeoHome but I don’t seem to have
any space. Can you help me?” NeoHome Designer
“And I’m trying to take over Faerieland but we can’t have everything, can
we? You’ll have to do with the space you already own and occupy.”
“Is Virtupets, a real world?” No. 1 fan
“Mwhaha! Of course, would I lie? Yeah, I live in Faerieland instead of the
Space Station. You call yourself a No. 1 fan and you didn’t know the answer
to that. What a shame! I should publish your username here to humiliate you
but I decided to withhold it. Aren’t I, a good little minion? Yes, I am! Yes
I am! Ooo... I love baby Neopets by the way. Every baby pet is disgustingly
cute.
“Can you teach me about science and stuff?” Scientist Wannabe Girl
“Great! What more does Neopia need?! More 21 Year Old, Rocket Scientists with
doctorates in Mathematics and Physics.
No offence to all the 21 Year Old, Rocket Scientists with doctorates in Mathematics
and Physics. I knew one once, our friendship broke up in smoke. The chemistry
wasn’t there. Haha! Man, you walked into that gag!”
“I’m bored! Suggest something for me. Quests don’t cut it anymore. It was
fun at first making people fetch items but now it is getting to become a chore.
Your Worst Nightmare
Jhudora, I know it is you! World domination? Ever tried it sometime? Or why
not become like one of those cute Aisha waitresses at the Golden Dubloon. Two
words: Hubba, hubba. (Don’t tell the Mrs!)
“Sloth, are long is your pitchfork?” Pitch Forker/Times Author
Stalker
Er, about the regular size. Six inches or so.
Final last question: “What makes the world go around?” Lost in the
clouds
“Hate and Evil. Its makes Neopia go around the twist.”
Well, that’s all for now! Hope you enjoyed my article! Mwhahaha!!! I would
love just like to thank Plushieowner, who I’m just using as a go-betwe-- Um.
Oops! Don’t tell her I said that. If you like me to answer any questions or
to send comments on my first article, Neomail account owned by the puny human
by the name of Plushieowner. Though let me warn you, I have taken her inbox
for the next week or two. Mwhahahha! Did I break the record for the most ‘mwhahas’
in an article? I dare you to count. If you did, read on.
Second Author’s Note: You bored little human! Wow, that is sad trick
to make people to read something all over again. Mmmm... human mind control.
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