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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 24th day of Hiding, Yr 21
The Neopian Times Week 103 > Articles > Worst-Case Scenarios (And How to Get Out With Most of Your Apendages, Give or Take a Few, With Luck)

Worst-Case Scenarios (And How to Get Out With Most of Your Apendages, Give or Take a Few, With Luck)

by noremac9

QUICKSAND - There are a lot of places you don't want to be. Yeah, I saw all you tough guys kick back your head and sport an arrogant grin, delicately exposing your grimy nuggets of calcium. I could say a lot of things to that, but I'll stick to simplicity: I don't mean DANGEROUS situations -- oh no -- I mean the situations that have already scored a 10 or the Oh-No-O-Meter. There you go, now I don't have to look at those dentist-begging nuggets any more. Thanks.

As to everyone else, no, I didn't forget about you, though I hope while I was doing that you were doing something productive. At LEAST focusing your collective consciousness toward a mass energy field, you know, to make the world a better place, or just because it sounds good. If not, it's fine, I'm all for patiently waiting while morons ramble along.

But enough small-talk, for crying out loud, let's move on to the dangerous part... as in, the part where we TALK about danger. Nothing in this article is actually dangerous. Anyway, I believe at the beginning of this little paragraph I mentioned getting on with it, so here we get it on. Er, move along.

The When the Underwater World You're Staying in Collapses Problem

Some would argue this has only happened once, and is therefore pointless to place in a survival article. Well, I bet the folks there when it happened would've really, REALLY appreciated something telling them what to do. I know I would've. And hey, I figure if it can happen once, there's no guarantee it won't happen again. As soon as they rebuild it, that is.

So picture this: you're sitting there, in a geodesic oxygenated eco-friendly auto-filtering bubble-dome, who knows how many miles below the surface of the vast ocean, and you hear a rumble. Not just any rumble. No, this is a RUMBLE rumble. Like, imagine Grarrg giggling like a girl as Chiazilla tap-dances, mixed with some assorted slam-dancing from Lord Darigan -- only a lot bigger. Like, ten times bigger. That big. Then, said bubble-dome starts to tear apart, ripping things to shreds as water pours in all around you. Well, there's only one way out -- chemistry.

I know what you're thinking: the day CHEMISTRY saves me is the day I'll eat my own liver. Well, get out the mustard, because it IS going to be your friend. Now, assuming you're in one of (or were -- this tense thing is just plain screwed up...) Maraqua's famous Bubble-Bars, dive behind the counter and grab the following: two pan galactic gargle slushies, a tar slushie, a secret sloth slushie, two scoops of black sand, a rope, and finally, a cup of festering coffee. Assuming the bubble-tender had all THAT behind the counter, you should be both very scared for their sanity, and very happy for yourself. Just do the following: take the two pan galactics and open the lids. You might feel a sensation like getting run over by an Elephante herd if it enters your nostrils -- just keep working. Next, pour half of the tar slushie into each, followed by a scoop of black sand into both. Then tie the two slushies together with enough room for you to hold on in between. Finally, put a dash of t he coffee is either, and hold on -- TIGHT. This baby's going to the moon, so to speak.

Some sourpuss will probably ask how it is possible to escape from Maraqua with the majority of the items being unreleased at the times of its swirly demise. Well, it's not like you can escape from it now, anyway.

For those wondering how it works, you're basically taking a bunch of dangerous chemicals, putting them together, using sand and tar to stabilize them, and then pouring an extremely unstable toxin into the mix. In laymen's terms: instant napalm!

That Awkward "Looks Like They Found Me," Situation

Hey, it's bound to happen to all of us: sooner or later, they're gonna find out you're a secret agent. You ARE a secret agent, right? So let's say you're just sitting there, minding your own business as you dashingly flirt with your cocktail waitress. Suddenly, two members of the dreaded NGB bust into the place, whipping out Battledome weapons unrivaled in rarity by all but the, well, other people with really rare stuff. Defenseless, cornered, and now without hope of getting the girl, your options are running out. Sounds pretty darn dismal, right? Well, yeah, it is, but I'm going to try to get you out of this (I was once a spy -- go ahead and start calling me 009).

The first thing you need to do is dive behind the bar. This is absolutely ESSENTIAL to your survival -- and, more importantly, sets up a great action sequence. If these guys are in their right mind, they'll heave dangerously hot fire balls over the top of the bar to destroy all the bottles on the selves, even though they know they have no chance of hitting you. It's just written into the rules, somewhere, and you wouldn't want to miss out on the beautiful effect of shattering bottles. Next, pull out your rainbow gun. If you don't have anything quite that powerful, well, you're on your own. The basic strategy here is to hit them without being hit. This is pretty much the key to success, and it's definitely a well kept secret. So just leap out and fire, and if you're a 00 worth your salt, they won't be able to hit you with three-hundred supernovas. You, however, had better hit of all them on the first shot each time, and knock them silly at that. It's just what agents are supposed to do. Finally, run outside, and press a little button on your wherever, signaling for your car -- the "joke" one -- to come pick you up and get you out of there. Good luck, Double-Oh-Something. You're on your own now.

The Obligatory Alien Aisha Abduction Event

You had to see this coming -- it's always coming. People are always talking about getting abducted, the nutters! So anyway, from my experience with being abducted, which is somewhat limited, you need to be very careful in what you do around these alien types. For one, if you get really lucky, they might leave you alone. It's all in the approach you take -- and there are several.

My personal favorite, for when the light begins to shine from above in the woods, is to say, "Hey, I have a virus that could annihilate entire civilizations with its potency -- what's your name?" After that, the light usually switches off just like mine as I go to bed in my flea-ridden heap of sackcloth, thinking about how I will seek revenge on the world. Er, bring happiness to all the children. Another good one is "Glad ya'll could come by, 'cause I been looking for a nice lamp like that. How much ye' want for it?" They usually deem you an improperly adequate subject for neurological experimentation, and move on to find a suitable genius to poke at.

But let's just say you've already been beamed up. After all, this is the WORST case scenarios, no the About to Be Worst Case Scenarios. So say you're already laying on the metal table and you want to escape. Well, if you're one of the guys I mentioned at the beginning of this article, this is a very, very, very good thing, because they only want to clean your teeth. They might clean your brain, too, so to speak, but just chill. Your teeth need it. If you're still disinclined to have a good ol' brain-prodding session, there is one last hope for your poor situation. Some would say that if you focus all your mind power on the aliens, their telepathy will over load or something, and you'll be render free. But for one, we're not even sure if these guys are telepathic, and for two... or secondly... there is a much easier way. Just yell. Loudly. Like, really loudly. Seriously -- these guys have SIX ears! They can hear a Cheesy Neo hit the floor of the Space Station from Meridell. So all you have to do is scream right there as loud as you can, and hey, if you're lucky, they might even explode. Life problems are so simply solved. Getting out of the floating craft is your problem, kid.

The Common "I'm in a Place That Doesn't Exist!" Crisis

Nervous breakdowns are, in fact, one of the most dangerous situations you could be in. There's also no easier place to have a nervous breakdown than Jelly World. The fact that it doesn't exist makes it even harder to cope. It happens the same way every time. NeoPete goes to Jelly World, NeoPete realizes Jelly World doesn't exist, NeoPete realizes he's there, NeoPete hurls quietly in a corner behind some orange wobbly stuff and hyperventilates. So assume you, the hyperventilating victim of utter confusion, are trying to come back to reality. Never fear-- just read this hand guide. See below.

First, a quick word from our sponsors!
Always drink Neocola... Because it's better!
How to Overcome a Jelly World (Or the non-existent place designated as such) Breakdown: Are you in a place you feel is Jelly World, but like every good little boy or girl, know it doesn't exist? There is a very simple fix to this problem! Simply cover your eyes, ears (or whatever you hear with), and mouth, then proceed to walk out of the hallucination you BELIEVE is Jelly World. You will need a pet -- any pet -- to guide you out of this dream world. If the pet feels like it is made of Jelly, bite your tongue over and over until the pain becomes too great for you too feel the hallucination. If your tongue comes off in the first bite, oh sharp-toothed one, you may move onto something else like your uvula, gums, or even your nasal cavity. Once out of Jelly World, beat yourself with a blunt object until you cannot remember who you are. This will effectively erase any further hallucinations there is a Jelly World. Glad we could be of service. -Frank, CEO, Virtupets Enterprise
Finally, a quick word from our sponsors!

Remember to visit the Giant Jelly everyday for your free JELLY! All free, all the time, all Jelly.

The Unavoidable Scurvy Ol' Dog Run-In

Eventually, you're going to be caught by pirates. Especially if you try to, um, stowaway on their ship, or, per se, drink their valuable root beer, or maybe even call their maidens... um... uglier than them. Yeah, okay, so maybe I'm the only one stupid enough to do all of the above, but I suppose I should write this for me, if no one else. I guess I'll tear it out and put it in my pocket. Remember, this is a VERY dangerous situation, but I've got myself out of it more than twice. You just have to keep your wits about you.

Say you're gagged, tied up, and dangling over Jetsam infested waters by a burning rope as wide as a a man's hair -- you obviously want to get away right away. This is actually fairly easy. All you have to do is summon your marauding sea force, led by a dreaded admiral, and unbelievably strong compared to all other forces, via your Trumpet of Deafening. As soon as they arrive, have them send the special-op unit to pick you up, and then sink the bloody pirate ship using the sixteen ton louder you brought in with the 700,000 armed Pteris you posses under your command. And voila! You're free as those Pteris! Wasn't that easy? Like I said, it's all about the wits.

So there you have it. Any horrible situation you could POSSIBLY dream of -- give or take around an infinite number -- solved in one impossible-to-read article, written by a madman. Could you ask for more? And if so, do you think you're THAT special?

Week 103 Related Links

Fates Entwined: Part Six
“But we can’t just send away such an important artifact on a childish whim! I tell you, it’s madness!”

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