Worst-Case Scenarios (And How to Get Out With Most of Your Apendages, Give or Take a Few, With Luck)
|QUICKSAND - There are a lot of places you don't want to be. Yeah, I saw all you
tough guys kick back your head and sport an arrogant grin, delicately exposing
your grimy nuggets of calcium. I could say a lot of things to that, but I'll stick
to simplicity: I don't mean DANGEROUS situations -- oh no -- I mean the situations
that have already scored a 10 or the Oh-No-O-Meter. There you go, now I don't
have to look at those dentist-begging nuggets any more. Thanks.
As to everyone else, no, I didn't forget about you, though I hope while I
was doing that you were doing something productive. At LEAST focusing your collective
consciousness toward a mass energy field, you know, to make the world a better
place, or just because it sounds good. If not, it's fine, I'm all for patiently
waiting while morons ramble along.
But enough small-talk, for crying out loud, let's move on to the dangerous
part... as in, the part where we TALK about danger. Nothing in this article
is actually dangerous. Anyway, I believe at the beginning of this little paragraph
I mentioned getting on with it, so here we get it on. Er, move along.
The When the Underwater World You're Staying in Collapses Problem
Some would argue this has only happened once, and is therefore pointless to
place in a survival article. Well, I bet the folks there when it happened would've
really, REALLY appreciated something telling them what to do. I know I would've.
And hey, I figure if it can happen once, there's no guarantee it won't happen
again. As soon as they rebuild it, that is.
So picture this: you're sitting there, in a geodesic oxygenated eco-friendly
auto-filtering bubble-dome, who knows how many miles below the surface of the
vast ocean, and you hear a rumble. Not just any rumble. No, this is a RUMBLE
rumble. Like, imagine Grarrg giggling like a girl as Chiazilla tap-dances, mixed
with some assorted slam-dancing from Lord Darigan -- only a lot bigger. Like,
ten times bigger. That big. Then, said bubble-dome starts to tear apart, ripping
things to shreds as water pours in all around you. Well, there's only one way
out -- chemistry.
I know what you're thinking: the day CHEMISTRY saves me is the day I'll eat
my own liver. Well, get out the mustard, because it IS going to be your friend.
Now, assuming you're in one of (or were -- this tense thing is just plain screwed
up...) Maraqua's famous Bubble-Bars, dive behind the counter and grab the following:
two pan galactic gargle slushies, a tar slushie, a secret sloth slushie, two
scoops of black sand, a rope, and finally, a cup of festering coffee. Assuming
the bubble-tender had all THAT behind the counter, you should be both very scared
for their sanity, and very happy for yourself. Just do the following: take the
two pan galactics and open the lids. You might feel a sensation like getting
run over by an Elephante herd if it enters your nostrils -- just keep working.
Next, pour half of the tar slushie into each, followed by a scoop of black sand
into both. Then tie the two slushies together with enough room for you to hold
on in between. Finally, put a dash of t he coffee is either, and hold on --
TIGHT. This baby's going to the moon, so to speak.
Some sourpuss will probably ask how it is possible to escape from Maraqua
with the majority of the items being unreleased at the times of its swirly demise.
Well, it's not like you can escape from it now, anyway.
For those wondering how it works, you're basically taking a bunch of dangerous
chemicals, putting them together, using sand and tar to stabilize them, and
then pouring an extremely unstable toxin into the mix. In laymen's terms: instant
That Awkward "Looks Like They Found Me," Situation
Hey, it's bound to happen to all of us: sooner or later, they're gonna find
out you're a secret agent. You ARE a secret agent, right? So let's say you're
just sitting there, minding your own business as you dashingly flirt with your
cocktail waitress. Suddenly, two members of the dreaded NGB bust into the place,
whipping out Battledome weapons unrivaled in rarity by all but the, well, other
people with really rare stuff. Defenseless, cornered, and now without hope of
getting the girl, your options are running out. Sounds pretty darn dismal, right?
Well, yeah, it is, but I'm going to try to get you out of this (I was once a
spy -- go ahead and start calling me 009).
The first thing you need to do is dive behind the bar. This is absolutely
ESSENTIAL to your survival -- and, more importantly, sets up a great action
sequence. If these guys are in their right mind, they'll heave dangerously hot
fire balls over the top of the bar to destroy all the bottles on the selves,
even though they know they have no chance of hitting you. It's just written
into the rules, somewhere, and you wouldn't want to miss out on the beautiful
effect of shattering bottles. Next, pull out your rainbow gun. If you don't
have anything quite that powerful, well, you're on your own. The basic strategy
here is to hit them without being hit. This is pretty much the key to success,
and it's definitely a well kept secret. So just leap out and fire, and if you're
a 00 worth your salt, they won't be able to hit you with three-hundred supernovas.
You, however, had better hit of all them on the first shot each time, and knock
them silly at that. It's just what agents are supposed to do. Finally, run outside,
and press a little button on your wherever, signaling for your car -- the "joke"
one -- to come pick you up and get you out of there. Good luck, Double-Oh-Something.
You're on your own now.
The Obligatory Alien Aisha Abduction Event
You had to see this coming -- it's always coming. People are always talking
about getting abducted, the nutters! So anyway, from my experience with being
abducted, which is somewhat limited, you need to be very careful in what you
do around these alien types. For one, if you get really lucky, they might leave
you alone. It's all in the approach you take -- and there are several.
My personal favorite, for when the light begins to shine from above in the
woods, is to say, "Hey, I have a virus that could annihilate entire civilizations
with its potency -- what's your name?" After that, the light usually switches
off just like mine as I go to bed in my flea-ridden heap of sackcloth, thinking
about how I will seek revenge on the world. Er, bring happiness to all the children.
Another good one is "Glad ya'll could come by, 'cause I been looking for a nice
lamp like that. How much ye' want for it?" They usually deem you an improperly
adequate subject for neurological experimentation, and move on to find a suitable
genius to poke at.
But let's just say you've already been beamed up. After all, this is the WORST
case scenarios, no the About to Be Worst Case Scenarios. So say you're already
laying on the metal table and you want to escape. Well, if you're one of the
guys I mentioned at the beginning of this article, this is a very, very, very
good thing, because they only want to clean your teeth. They might clean your
brain, too, so to speak, but just chill. Your teeth need it. If you're still
disinclined to have a good ol' brain-prodding session, there is one last hope
for your poor situation. Some would say that if you focus all your mind power
on the aliens, their telepathy will over load or something, and you'll be render
free. But for one, we're not even sure if these guys are telepathic, and for
two... or secondly... there is a much easier way. Just yell. Loudly. Like, really
loudly. Seriously -- these guys have SIX ears! They can hear a Cheesy Neo hit
the floor of the Space Station from Meridell. So all you have to do is scream
right there as loud as you can, and hey, if you're lucky, they might even explode.
Life problems are so simply solved. Getting out of the floating craft is your
The Common "I'm in a Place That Doesn't Exist!" Crisis
Nervous breakdowns are, in fact, one of the most dangerous situations you
could be in. There's also no easier place to have a nervous breakdown than Jelly
World. The fact that it doesn't exist makes it even harder to cope. It happens
the same way every time. NeoPete goes to Jelly World, NeoPete realizes Jelly
World doesn't exist, NeoPete realizes he's there, NeoPete hurls quietly in a
corner behind some orange wobbly stuff and hyperventilates. So assume you, the
hyperventilating victim of utter confusion, are trying to come back to reality.
Never fear-- just read this hand guide. See below.
First, a quick word from our sponsors!
Always drink Neocola... Because it's better!
How to Overcome a Jelly World (Or the non-existent place designated as such)
Breakdown: Are you in a place you feel is Jelly World, but like every good little
boy or girl, know it doesn't exist? There is a very simple fix to this problem!
Simply cover your eyes, ears (or whatever you hear with), and mouth, then proceed
to walk out of the hallucination you BELIEVE is Jelly World. You will need a
pet -- any pet -- to guide you out of this dream world. If the pet feels like
it is made of Jelly, bite your tongue over and over until the pain becomes too
great for you too feel the hallucination. If your tongue comes off in the first
bite, oh sharp-toothed one, you may move onto something else like your uvula,
gums, or even your nasal cavity. Once out of Jelly World, beat yourself with
a blunt object until you cannot remember who you are. This will effectively
erase any further hallucinations there is a Jelly World. Glad we could be of
service. -Frank, CEO, Virtupets Enterprise
Finally, a quick word from our sponsors!
Remember to visit the Giant
Jelly everyday for your free JELLY! All free, all the time, all Jelly.
The Unavoidable Scurvy Ol' Dog Run-In
Eventually, you're going to be caught by pirates. Especially if you try to,
um, stowaway on their ship, or, per se, drink their valuable root beer, or maybe
even call their maidens... um... uglier than them. Yeah, okay, so maybe I'm
the only one stupid enough to do all of the above, but I suppose I should write
this for me, if no one else. I guess I'll tear it out and put it in my pocket.
Remember, this is a VERY dangerous situation, but I've got myself out of it
more than twice. You just have to keep your wits about you.
Say you're gagged, tied up, and dangling over Jetsam infested waters by a
burning rope as wide as a a man's hair -- you obviously want to get away right
away. This is actually fairly easy. All you have to do is summon your marauding
sea force, led by a dreaded admiral, and unbelievably strong compared to all
other forces, via your Trumpet of Deafening. As soon as they arrive, have them
send the special-op unit to pick you up, and then sink the bloody pirate ship
using the sixteen ton louder you brought in with the 700,000 armed Pteris you
posses under your command. And voila! You're free as those Pteris! Wasn't that
easy? Like I said, it's all about the wits.
So there you have it. Any horrible situation you could POSSIBLY dream of --
give or take around an infinite number -- solved in one impossible-to-read article,
written by a madman. Could you ask for more? And if so, do you think you're