Even More Ways To Tell If You're Addicted To The Times
DEEP CATACOMBS -
My dear, dear Neopians:
You must be extremely tired of going to the articles section, scrolling down,
and seeing another one of those darn "Ways To Tell If You're Addicted To The
Times" articles, right? I feel your pain. I remember going over to my Christmas
tree and, year after year, getting the same stupid fruitcake.
Well, this article will be different from the others. In this arti-oh, who
am I kidding? It's the same. It's always the same; the same silly introduction,
the same, stupid list, and the same long group of credits at the bottom that
should be sorted into a card catalog.
But let me tell you something, Mr. and Mrs. Intolerant-Of-Same-Things! The
same things are good! If you got an A+ on a paper, you'd like the same thing,
wouldn'tcha? If your mom packed you tuna and cheese on wheat, you'd like the
same thing, wouldn'tcha? If you got dung for your birthday, you'd-oops, bad
example. But the fact of the matter is, repetitive things can, of course, be
repetitive, but repeating things that are repetitive in the same repeating way
can not only be repetitive, but rather… unique.
And so, dear friends, I present to you, Even MORE Ways To Tell If You're Addicted
To The Times.
100. You break your space bar because your computer won't let you read the
99. When you stop reading other newspapers for their lack of blue Chias.
98. When you still have your very first rejection letter kept safe in a closet.
97. Your computer has no more disk space left because of the 400+ unpublished
stories you have on it.
96. When you change the lyrics of every song you know to "Times times times
95. When you send fan-mail to yourself.
94. When you send hatemail to yourself.
93. When you think of a master plan to sneak into the printing press and replace
all the newspaper names to The Neopian Times.
92. When you succeed.
91. Your friends in the NT are better than ones in the real world.
90. Huh? Ree-al w-urld?
89. When you talk about the Times so much that your family disowns you.
88. When you disown your family because of their lack of conversation about
87. When you wonder why that lamb doesn't have wings…
86. Whenever you see a goat, you shout, "It's the Ixi of Doom!"
85. When you randomly yell, "IT'S THE IXI OF DOOM!" for no apparent reason.
84. You make a dress out of Neopian Times Issue 3's.
83. When you decide not to read the Times because it came out on Sunday.
82. When you suddenly realize that you're too addicted not to read it and run
up apologizing to the screen.
81. When you make up theme songs for the NT in detention…
80. Na na na na na na na na stoneman!
79. When you have your favorite authors on your buddy list.
78. And they don't know.
77. When you call your P.E. coach Mr. Bronston.
76. When you scoff at any secret agent and mumble, "He's no Magnolia…"
75. When people ask you why you spell fairy "Faerie."
74. You have a collection of NT character plushies. Real ones.
73. When you're computer-illiterate parents know what the Times is.
72. When you draw your friends as Neopets.
71. You refer to "pictures" as "piccys."
70. When you take an ink blot test, all of the ink blots remind you of Al the
69. All of them.
68. You have nightmares about grammar problems in your stories.
67. You have an ongoing egg timer for the arrival of the next issue.
66. When your art project of NT character collages gets hung on the refrigerator.
65. When you take offense from a rejection letter.
64. You count every word in your story because spell check is evil.
63. When your favorite authors blocked Neomails from you.
62. When you die your hair blue, put on glasses, and wear a trenchcoat for Halloween.
61. When your computer desktop is a tiled background of golden quills.
60. Your favorite type of role-play is "Times Characters."
59. When you dress up your dog for Christmas and name it HollyPaw.
58. You have four weeks of detention for spreading dung over the front lawn
of your school.
57. When you drive miles away from home just so that you can visit the Petting
Zoo and see all the Sheep of Doom, Moos In A Million, and Golden Rhinos.
56. You now refer to the NT as "the paper."
55. When you chase squirrels down the street claiming that they stole the shiny
thing and the Faerie Queen won't be satisfied until it's returned.
54. When you spam Neopets with a bug report because the Quote of the Week wasn't
53. When the Quote of the Week is yours.
52. When you yell at Judge Hog for not putting "Neopian Times Issue 3" into
51. You secretly own a stolen pen from Felicia's desk.
50. When you buried old "Moo Strip" comics after you heard mousequeen left.
49. When 25% of the editorial questions are yours.
48. When you inform people you don't know that you lowered your cholesterol
got into the Times.
47. Your favorite type of role-playing is "Times Characters."
46. When you have a birthday party for Felicia.
45. When nobody comes.
44. When you try to rename the Tyrannasaurus Rex "Harry".
43. Your secret desire is to become the editor of the Times.
42. You claim Sheep of Doomish is a new language.
41. When your Times character is your alter ego. (Wait-what's that, Bucky?)
40. When you spend time trying to click on headlines in a real newspaper.
39. When you submit "Frankly, Mister Shankly" to be the national anthem of Neopia.
38. When you've bothered to read 362 other addictions before this one.
37. You cut out real articles, glue in your own, and claim you were published.
36. You buy Felicia a "World's Best Editor" mug for her birthday.
35. When you wonder why an aging lizard and a unicorn don't run your local animal
34. When you get odd stares for requesting spherical cherries in your fruit
33. When you protest to have Mr. Pickles and Snowflake removed from Whack-A-Staff
Member for safety reasons.
32. When you attempt to get your family addicted, too.
31. When you wait for Cheesy Neos to become a daytime soap.
30. You make one of those spiffy personality quizzes for Times characters.
29. You actually use spiffy in an article. ;)
28. You were devastated because you couldn't draw a virtual birthday cake for
27. When you have an imaginary friend who goes by the name N.T.
26. When you collect all 5 Shoyru-Squadron comic logos.
25. You tell people you have 'issues.'
24. You think having 'issues' is a compliment.
23. When you try to explain the concept of Sheep of Doom to your classmates.
22. When you see someone with glasses, you shout "Hi, Al!"
21. You consider it murder to cut something out of a newspaper.
20. When you try to spell GLQ in Spell or Starve.
19. When you actually starve.
18. When you have a shrine to "Splat-A-Sloth" for its cameo appearance of Neopian
Times Issue 3.
17. When you bore your history teacher with Times release dates.
16. Your printer's ink has run out because of the overuse of printing out stories.
15. You go to the library to print out more stories.
14. You get kicked out of the library for printing too many stories.
13. You feel insulted when you don't get a custom pic.
12. You write down fan-fics of Times fan-fics.
11. You assign your characters specific theme songs.
10. You swear at your librarian for not having the complete works of al_the_chia.
9. When you end everybody's name with Paw.
8. Your consciences are a Mr. Shankly in a devil suit and one with a white gown
and a halo.
7. You wonder why your newspaper doesn't have a search bar.
6. When you ask your parents why Furgleton isn't in any atlas.
5. When you find a snowflake on the ground and run around screaming "I FOUND
4. When you get a tattoo with the letters NT.
3. You tear your hair out because you *still* don't know who Chet Flash is.
2. When you neglect your thesis paper because you're too busy trying to finish
a story that involves small graphics on a computer screen.
1. When you're proud to be addicted to The Neopian Times.
Author's Note: Wow, four articles! And I thought one was too many! But the
thing that there's never too many of is helpful authors! And so, here's the
fourth time I'll have been repeating the exact same names. Thanks to: dinkleydo,
Jessie-Yasha, Megz, poy, Cheshil, rishiy, meratocat, LDF (LostDesertFan), Annette,
peachifruit, TPP, sol_luna_estrella, gelsky, taffychic, Tdyans, meggiemuffin,
plushieowner, Teghan, TK, Battlesunn, aerisangel01, fudgie2, meowth4, Onda,
Patjade, slamina83, greenmooseofdoom, ecicca, TennMagpie, rodawig, Cherrie,
and adoriblelapin! Thanks, y'all!