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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 19th day of Hiding, Yr 21
The Neopian Times Week 95 > Short Stories > The Misadventure of Captain Glutton

The Misadventure of Captain Glutton

by too_kule

Sergeant Brexis mumbled incoherently under his breath as he filed through the Defenders of Neopia applications. There was always room open to be a Defender of Neopia, but no guarantee of acceptance. It took quite a lot of training and dedication to be a Defender, and apparently none of the dung-brains who applied realized that.

      "OK, applicant 277, please come in," the Buzz called into the other room.

      Sergeant Brexis looked up and saw the door open wide. The light illuminated a single figure that walked into the ill-lighted room. Too many applicants arrived who were afraid of the dark, and this proved to be one of the tests. The figure approached the desk which the Defenders of Neopia lieutenant was sitting at. Sergeant Brexis stroked his abnormally large chin and looked the applicant in the eye. A single baby Peophin stood there.

      "Hiya, my name ith Susie and I wanna be a Defwender of Neopia!" the baby Peophin exclaimed.

      Brexis hung his head in shame at the prospect of having to interview such a young Neopian. Didn't Neopia know? It took a fine skill to be a superhero, something a drooling baby Peophin didn't have. But the sergeant tried to be kind to the little Neopet. "OK... uh... Susie, why do you think you should be a Defender of Neopia?" the Buzz asked with as much patience he could muster.

      "Well, I'm super cute so nobody would hurt me... and I love you!" the Peophin cried as she ran up and wrapped her little hooves around Sergeant Brexis.

      "Uh... stop please," Danger Buzz grunted as he pried the Peophin free from his body. If she did become a superhero, she could probably hug the villains to their grave," he thought. "Sorry Susie, but you're just not what we're looking for," Danger Buzz told her sympathetically.

      Tears welled up in the tiny Peophin's eyes. "I-I'm telling on you!" she wailed as she stormed out of the HQ.

      Sergeant Brexis rested his head on his hands. That was the sixth baby Neopet trying to become a Defender of Neopia this week! When would they learn? "Would applicant number 278 please enter?" Danger Buzz beckoned.

      Once again the doors opened. Another figure entered, this time much taller than the little Peophin. Well... only a bit. An elderly Kyrii trotted into the room. Sergeant Brexis looked the Kyrii in the eye. For some reason, the old Neopet did not seem to have the 'heart of a warrior' he was looking for.

      "So, you want to be a Defender, eh? What sets you apart from everyone else?" Brexis inquired.

      "Hmph, I'll tell you. Any rotten crook who crosses my path will get one heck of a lecture! I'd give them the usual 'whipper-snapper' comment and tell them how my generation triumphs over theirs. And if I'm in a really bad mood, I'd go so far as to shake my fist at them!" the old Kyrii cried.

      "Sorry, I don't think--"

      "Not good enough, eh you little whippersnapper? That's the problem with your generation," growled the Kyrii who repeatedly shook his fist at Sergeant Brexis as he shuffled out of the room.

      Sergeant Brexis' head hung with embarrassment. These pets actually believed they stood a chance at earning the title as Defender of Neopia. How could they do this? But Brexis remained optimistic. "297, it's your turn," he called through the doors.

      Once again they swung open. The biggest figure of them all loomed in the light that streamed into the room. He waddled over to the desk where Sergeant Brexis was sitting. The Buzz looked at him and saw a brown Skeith in a horrible spandex costume. It also seemed the Skeith was more than just a couple of pounds overweight. He was chowing down on a large piece of chicken while he stood there. Sergeant Brexis looked like he was going to vomit.

      "Sweet mother of juppies, who in dung's name are you!" the Buzz nearly screamed as he looked at the gluttonous Skeith.

      "I like juppies," the Skeith mumbled in a deep voice. An odd smile flitted across his face, as if he was in the middle of a daydream. "So yummy..."

      "WHO ARE YOU!" Sergeant Brexis barked.

      The Skeith seemed to break out of his daydream and looked back at Brexis who was tapping his fingers on his desk impatiently. "Uh... my name is Franko but you can call me Captain Glutton. Uh... I think I'd make a good Defender of Neopia because I could take a bite out of crime!" On the word 'bite', the brown Skeith took a bite out of his drumstick.

      Sergeant Brexis wasn't so calm. He was shaking with rage as if he was going to explode. The nerve of these pets! Being a Defender of Neopia wasn't for everyone, something they couldn't get through their thick heads! Captain Glutton or whatever the heck his name is wouldn't last five minutes on the streets, he thought to himself. Suddenly, he had an idea.

      "So, am I in or what because I'm hungry and need to get down to Pizzaroo," Captain Glutton mumbled as he took the last bite of chicken and tossed to bone toward a garbage bin. The bone hit the wall and landed on the ground.

      Sergeant Brexis winced but kept calm. He forced a smile onto his face and let out a forced laugh that came out as a high-pitched grunt. "Yes, welcome to Defenders of Neopia. You're obviously the most talented superhero in the entire building, so we're going to give you the hardest job. Patrol the streets of western Neopia Central tonight. I know western Neopia Central is a horrible place with tons of crime, especially at night, but I know you're more than capable of this."

      Captain Glutton's small eyes filled with joy. "You won't regret this," he cried as he waddled out of the room.

      A sigh escaped the Buzz's mouth. That would teach him and the rest of the applicants what being a defender is about. But suddenly the sergeant felt a pang of guilt deep in his stomach. He knew what could happen where he had sent the Skeith. Sergeant Brexis got up and ran out the door. He had to make sure Captain Glutton was safe.

***

Franko waddled down the street in his superhero outfit. It looked absolutely frightening on him; very small and very tight. He wore a shiny spandex shirt that was all red and a black vest made of... more spandex. A tight mask was also wore on his face, and it was black just like the best.

      Stars twinkled in the night sky as Captain Glutton roamed the darkened streets. Little did the Skeith know, Sergeant Brexis was following him by jumping from one rooftop to another.

      "Where could crime be?" Captain Glutton asked himself as he took a bite out of the large pizza slice he was holding.

      He can't seem to find crime, Sergeant Brexis thought to himself as he loomed down upon the Skeith like a stone gargoyle. There's one tick against him

      Captain Glutton took another large bite of his pizza and belched. He finished it off, and was left foodless. "Need more food!" he grunted as he stepped into a diner.

      Taking breaks from patrolling, Brexis thought to himself as he jumped down from atop the building. That's another tick against him. The Buzz turned around and looked through the window of the diner. Franko had pulled off his mask (another tick against him) and was sitting on a stool at the counter that was way too small for him.

      Sergeant Brexis was experienced in these fields, and he could tell by the way the hairs prickled on the back of his neck crime was afoot. He squinted through the grimy glass at a Shoyru and a Chomby who were muttering to each other at a table and kept giving sideways glances toward to counter where an old Blumaroo worked. "I've got to stop this," he said aloud as he put a foot forward to enter the diner. But something was tugging on the back of his boot! A little Spardel had a mouthful of spandex and was tugging on his boot hard, making it next to impossible to get into the building.

      Suddenly, the yellow Shoyru got up and sat down at the counter. Sergeant Brexis watched helplessly as the blue Chomby snuck behind the counter. The waitress was distracted by both Franko and the Shoyru.

      "Hello, ma'am," the Shoyru greeted the Blumaroo with a smirk. He was speaking to her in a slick, oily voice that made sergeant Brexis want to apprehend to soon-to-be-criminal quicker. Captain Glutton however was living up to his title, and chowing down on a hamburger without paying the Shoyru and his accomplice one bit of attention.

      While the Shoyru kept the waitress behind the counter busy, the blue Chomby kept closer toward the cash register. Quick as a flash, she reached out her paw and opened the cash register. She pulled out a stack of bills in a flash. The Blumaroo spun around and came face-to-face with the Chomby who pulled out a Rainbow Gun.

      "Freeze!" the Chomby screamed at the waitress. Sergeant Brexis tried to free himself from the Spardel's powerful grip. Franko didn't even look up from his meal. "Call the Chia Police and a zap your head," she screamed. "Come on, let's get out of here." She followed he Shoyru accomplice out of the diner and they didn't even notice Sergeant Brexis trying desperately to shake the Spardel off.

      "DO SOMETHING FRANKO!" he bellowed into the diner.

      "After my fries," the Skeith mumbled as he gobbled up the last of the fries. "Miss, can I have a soda--"

      "DO SOMETHING!" the Blumaroo shrieked.

      Captain Glutton sighed and put his mask on. He jogged out the door without taking notice of the Buzz struggling with the vicious Petpet. The Shoyru and Chomby already had an lead and were running down the street ahead of Franko. The brown Skeith wasn't any good at running. His fat legs could barely even lift themselves off the ground, let alone the rest of his body.

      Then what Captain Glutton did amazed even Sergeant Brexis. He pulled out two forks from his pockets. The Skeith twirled them around in his fingers, and flung them in the two crooks' direction. It's as if he's spent all of his life with forks in his hands, Brexis thought to himself. Then he suddenly realized Captain Glutton probably had.

      The two forks came whizzing through the air. They ripped a hole in the sack of Neopoints the Chomby had in her mouth. The NP fell out onto the street.

      "We have to pick it up!" the Chomby cried.

      She and the yellow Shoyru bent down and scrambled to pick up the coins that had fallen all over the ground. This gave Franko time to walk casually over to the two felons. "Stop there," he grunted.

      The Shoyru looked up at the Skeith. Hatred glared through the Skeith's eyes at the Shoyru and there was only one thing the crook could do. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! LOOK AT FATTY OVER HERE! WHAT'S THE MATTER, HAD TOO MANY DONUTS?" The Chomby also broke out into a fit of laughter.

      "Prepare to be beaten," Captain Glutton grunted. The Skeith pulled out several tiny pieces of broccoli and threw them at the villains, hitting them directly in their mouths. The vegetables flew into their mouths and they began gagging.

      "YUCK!"

      "DISGUSTING!"

      "WATER!"

      "HELP ME!"

     Suddenly, Franko pulled out two plump looking salmon. He slapped the crooks around with the fish and the fell to the ground. To finish them off, he pulled out some sausage links from his pocket and bound the crooks. With the aid of two cleverly hidden, large jawbreakers in his pockets, he gagged the crooks too.

      Finally, Sergeant Brexis who had watched the full thing managed to break free of the Spardel's grasp and ran over to the two apprehended criminals. Captain Glutton just stood there, munching on a meatball.

      "You... you beat them!" the Buzz gasped.

      "Sure, what did you expect?" Captain Glutton asked as he took another bite out of the meatball.

      "Uh... never mind what I expected. As soon as we return to HQ, you will be made an honorary member! Congratulations!" the Buzz exclaimed. They walked down the street but Sergeant Brexis paused. This gave him an entirely different outlook on picking applicants. Captain Glutton, the last superhero he expected to stop crime, had thwarted to criminals' plans to get some easy NP. Brexis watched the Skeith waddle down the street with his spandex and gave a shudder. No matter how talented Captain Glutton may be, he still looked absolutely frightening in spandex.

The End

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