How NOT to Write a Neopian Times Worthy Article by aachewwthree | |
WARNING: You are entering the satire zone! This is total parody, and follow
NONE of this advice in ANY way!
A MESSY DESK - I've seen several articles that help aspiring authors get into
The Neopian Times. They give helpful hints for making your writing better. Even
I made a help article. After I sat and thought about it, I came up with a startling
discovery. Why would you even WANT to make The Neopian Times? I thought, what
if you wrote an article so bad, Snowflake would delete everything you ever send
her? For that reason, I created this guide. Now, let us begin our quest
for a terrible article.
Step One: Write about a Common subject
There is a subject that is original, one that, if well-written about, will make
The Neopian Times. DON'T pick it! Who wants to write good articles? Pick a subject
that you just saw the last Issue. Hmm, how about, "Your Guide to the Neopian
Times". Yes, we have a recently done, article that we can write about the same
subject.
Step Two: Plagiarize
Why even bother writing your OWN article? Let's just do the old Copy-Paste trick.
It's used in the Beauty Contest all the time, so why not try it in the NT? We'll
just copy bluescorchio104's article from Issue 93. As an extra push, leave Bluescorchio's
name on the article. This will be so blatantly stupid it'll be deleted before
its even beyond the first sentence.
Step Three: Don't Use HTML Tags
Using your
...
tags will break your article into paragraphs. The tags will make Snowflake's job
easier to put the article on the site, and make the article easier to define.
Why do that? If we leave them out altogether, our article will be one big jumbled
mess of words. Then, Snowflake will be so agitated she'll delete it on sight!
Perfect! You'll NEVER make The Neopian Times!
Step Four: Uz Chat 0r L337 Sp33k!
If u uz chat-speek, sN0wflak wil be reel mad lol! thin shee wnt red teh artikl
and ull get u r artikl deletid!!!11 YaY lol! u wont b in teh neopein timz! lol
OMG haha!
Now, utilizing the strategy above, it looks like you have no grammatical skills.
Show your "kewlnez" by writing it all in chatspeak. That will really make it
impossible for anyone except the "kewl" people to read it. This just makes people
wonder, "How the heck did this zoomtard get beyond the Third Grade?" In fact,
the Nimmo in a Donkey suit will hunt you down and destroy your keyboard, making
it impossible to get into The Neopian Times. Isn't that lovely? Of course it
is!
Step Five: Don't Add Your Username
This is the icing on the cake for the worst article ever. If you don't add your
username, nobody knows who wrote it. So even if you wrote a.... *gasp* good
article, it can't be accepted! Your article will remain in the Land of the Delete
forever. There is a problem with this idea, however. What if... Snowflake had
telekenisis and could find out who wrote what regardless? Then, you better make
sure you followed either Step 2, or Steps 1,3, and 4. Otherwise, you could end
up in The Neopian Times! Nobody wants THAT now would they?
Step Six: Bring on the Violence and Wrong References Baby!
How about this: you add all sorts of violent references in your articles? Talk
about blood and guts and gore in EXCRUCIATING detail! Make it as inappropriate
as possible; add things that will get you frozen for saying. Read the Terms
and Conditions and then do EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE. Whatever will get you frozen,
talk about. Try and Neodate, or talk about evil and downright wrong things.
Show blatant disregard for any rules, if needed, draw terrible stick figures
in bloody pools or doing things not allowed in Neopia whatsoever. Make it look
like you both want to get frozen AND not make The Neopian Times. Then keep writing
article about the same subjects to the point where you've gotten your IP banned
from the Neopets site! Now you can't even get to the site, let alone have a
username OR be in The Neopian Times. Although that might a tad TOO extreme for
the casual bad writers, but if you are all for ruining the IP of yourself/your
family/library/school/friends/etc. then be my guest!
Step Seven: If all else Fails...
You can always add scams to your articles if you are dire need of rejection.
For example: "if u likd dis artikl, giv e ur paswrd nd ill giv amillyin NPs!!!!!!1111"
Now, you are a flagrant scammer, or a plain cretin to Snowflake or anyone else
who reads your monstrosity. If that doesn't work, then try a fake login page.
Even MENTION that it is a fake. This will tell anyone and everyone that the
author has less than two brain cells, or one-tenth of an Intelligence Quotient
Point.
Well, there you have it folks! Your guide to the worst article you can possibly
write. Make sure to read this guide before you start writing your articles and
you'll be sure to never ever make The Neopian Times. So until next time, this
is aachewwthree saying tomorrow is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Now
we return to your previously scheduled program, already in progress.
Authors Note: If you actually take this article seriously, then Fyora help
us! Do not, I repeat DO NOT follow any advice I've given in this article if
you EVER expect to make The Neopian Times, or a career in Journalism. Remember,
this is parody. Let me say that again. This is a joke! Do not listen to anything
that is not in italic print!
Second Author's Note: Thanks oily106 for giving me some ideas when I went braindead!
This article would be too short without you!
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