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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 29th day of Running, Yr 26
The Neopian Times Week 94 > Articles > How NOT to Write a Neopian Times Worthy Article

How NOT to Write a Neopian Times Worthy Article

by aachewwthree

WARNING: You are entering the satire zone! This is total parody, and follow NONE of this advice in ANY way!

A MESSY DESK - I've seen several articles that help aspiring authors get into The Neopian Times. They give helpful hints for making your writing better. Even I made a help article. After I sat and thought about it, I came up with a startling discovery. Why would you even WANT to make The Neopian Times? I thought, what if you wrote an article so bad, Snowflake would delete everything you ever send her? For that reason, I created this guide. Now, let us begin our quest for a terrible article.

Step One: Write about a Common subject
There is a subject that is original, one that, if well-written about, will make The Neopian Times. DON'T pick it! Who wants to write good articles? Pick a subject that you just saw the last Issue. Hmm, how about, "Your Guide to the Neopian Times". Yes, we have a recently done, article that we can write about the same subject.

Step Two: Plagiarize
Why even bother writing your OWN article? Let's just do the old Copy-Paste trick. It's used in the Beauty Contest all the time, so why not try it in the NT? We'll just copy bluescorchio104's article from Issue 93. As an extra push, leave Bluescorchio's name on the article. This will be so blatantly stupid it'll be deleted before its even beyond the first sentence.

Step Three: Don't Use HTML Tags
Using your

...

tags will break your article into paragraphs. The tags will make Snowflake's job easier to put the article on the site, and make the article easier to define. Why do that? If we leave them out altogether, our article will be one big jumbled mess of words. Then, Snowflake will be so agitated she'll delete it on sight! Perfect! You'll NEVER make The Neopian Times!

Step Four: Uz Chat 0r L337 Sp33k!
If u uz chat-speek, sN0wflak wil be reel mad lol! thin shee wnt red teh artikl and ull get u r artikl deletid!!!11 YaY lol! u wont b in teh neopein timz! lol OMG haha!

Now, utilizing the strategy above, it looks like you have no grammatical skills. Show your "kewlnez" by writing it all in chatspeak. That will really make it impossible for anyone except the "kewl" people to read it. This just makes people wonder, "How the heck did this zoomtard get beyond the Third Grade?" In fact, the Nimmo in a Donkey suit will hunt you down and destroy your keyboard, making it impossible to get into The Neopian Times. Isn't that lovely? Of course it is!

Step Five: Don't Add Your Username
This is the icing on the cake for the worst article ever. If you don't add your username, nobody knows who wrote it. So even if you wrote a.... *gasp* good article, it can't be accepted! Your article will remain in the Land of the Delete forever. There is a problem with this idea, however. What if... Snowflake had telekenisis and could find out who wrote what regardless? Then, you better make sure you followed either Step 2, or Steps 1,3, and 4. Otherwise, you could end up in The Neopian Times! Nobody wants THAT now would they?

Step Six: Bring on the Violence and Wrong References Baby!
How about this: you add all sorts of violent references in your articles? Talk about blood and guts and gore in EXCRUCIATING detail! Make it as inappropriate as possible; add things that will get you frozen for saying. Read the Terms and Conditions and then do EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE. Whatever will get you frozen, talk about. Try and Neodate, or talk about evil and downright wrong things. Show blatant disregard for any rules, if needed, draw terrible stick figures in bloody pools or doing things not allowed in Neopia whatsoever. Make it look like you both want to get frozen AND not make The Neopian Times. Then keep writing article about the same subjects to the point where you've gotten your IP banned from the Neopets site! Now you can't even get to the site, let alone have a username OR be in The Neopian Times. Although that might a tad TOO extreme for the casual bad writers, but if you are all for ruining the IP of yourself/your family/library/school/friends/etc. then be my guest!

Step Seven: If all else Fails...
You can always add scams to your articles if you are dire need of rejection. For example: "if u likd dis artikl, giv e ur paswrd nd ill giv amillyin NPs!!!!!!1111" Now, you are a flagrant scammer, or a plain cretin to Snowflake or anyone else who reads your monstrosity. If that doesn't work, then try a fake login page. Even MENTION that it is a fake. This will tell anyone and everyone that the author has less than two brain cells, or one-tenth of an Intelligence Quotient Point.

Well, there you have it folks! Your guide to the worst article you can possibly write. Make sure to read this guide before you start writing your articles and you'll be sure to never ever make The Neopian Times. So until next time, this is aachewwthree saying tomorrow is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Now we return to your previously scheduled program, already in progress.

Authors Note: If you actually take this article seriously, then Fyora help us! Do not, I repeat DO NOT follow any advice I've given in this article if you EVER expect to make The Neopian Times, or a career in Journalism. Remember, this is parody. Let me say that again. This is a joke! Do not listen to anything that is not in italic print!

Second Author's Note: Thanks oily106 for giving me some ideas when I went braindead! This article would be too short without you!


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