NeoMailing An Accomplished Person
NEOMAIL - Neomailing accomplished people can be pretty scary, especially if you
have no idea what kind of etiquette to use. Or what opening line to use, or how
they like it presented, or what the no-nos are. Therefore, I've compiled this
helpful guide. That way, not only can you read it and benefit, but also so I can
read it and figure out how to send mail to said people group.
First up, ALWAYS use a weird smiley as the first thing they see. It's nice
to see a Neomail that starts with a fairly meaningless emotion, just for the
sake of aesthetic pleasure. Some good ones are "o.o;;", "T_T", and my personal
favorite, "xB." Yeah, it's always a good idea to open the Neomail like that,
no exceptions. Trust me, it sets the tone RIGHT.
Okay, so now that you've baffled, er, started the letter to them with a bizarre
smiley, you need to RP (Role-play). This is something I KNOW is right, above
all else, to impress. Just do something like "*A little man shuffles in, his
forehead brazen with a thousand little wrinkles--or so--and his movement stiff.
'Uhhh! Guh, meh hugga!' he grunts, then eats a fish.*" Mm, that right there's
pure gold! Who couldn't be pleased with a pointless RP session involving an
old nutcase? Always RP when writing accomplished people.
If you'd like to ask a question, say "Can I ask you a question?" Never just
straight-out ask it. That's HIGHLY offensive. I don't know why, but because
I said s--er, but it is. So anyway, always ask if you can ask, and if they ask
you not to ask if you can ask, just ask why you can't ask if you can ask, and
while you're at it, ask if all the asking is driving them crazy. More than likely,
you'll get something saying your were blocked. This means they like you--Neomail
them from a different account with the question.
Most accomplished people have Neofriend requests disabled. This means they
only want really, really cool people as friends, right? Well, since you're so
awesomely cool, having a Cheat! trophy and all, they'll make an exception. Just
send them a mail saying "Can I ask you a question?", and when you go through
all the previously mentioned junk, ask them if you can be their Neofriend, even
if it's turned off. Many a-time this has gotten me friends for lifelike the
guys that had to rescue me. Still friends, yup.
Furthermore, on a similar note, challenging people's pets that don't battle
will score MAJOR brownie points. If there's a note in the pet's lookup saying
"I DON'T BATTLE DON'T CHALLENGE ME IF YOU DO MY OWNER WILL OPEN THE GATES OF
HADES AND TOSS YOU IN SO DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" that means they're the
one you want. Just take your uber-strong pet-- or if all your pets are weak--
your uber-weak-but-stronger-than-the-rest pets, and challenge them. This is
a great way to get their attention, and start a beautiful relationship. Naturally,
a lot of people are smarter than to have challenges on. Er, not smarter�
um, just� different. Like a Battle Potato-- different. So with
them, just do the same thing you did with Neofriend, and tell them you want
to be able to challenge their weakest pet, so you can withdraw on the last turn.
It'll go over great, I assure you.
Okay, now you've got the basics down. Those are the basic, run-of-the-mill,
mail-an-accomplished-person rules. Now let's work on technique. Here are five
mails to people that just weren't done right.
O.O;; you got a lot of game trophies [Never state a fact.
Always go on blind assumptions. This should be, "You are a cheater because only
cheaters can get all those things that you have that are shiny!"] �
would you mind telling me how???? [Never ask your question
up front, as was stated earlier. This should be written, "can I ask u a question?"]
I will give u t3h secret LINK!!!!!111 [Looks good to
me. Maybe a little bit of better grammar, like "1 W1LL 91V3 U 73H 53CR37 C0D3!!!111111"]"
Hi [This should be a "xB", or a "u.u;;", definitely.]
well um you have got in The Neopian Times [Instead, it should say "um you have a trophy that makes it SEEM
as if youre in The Neopian Times but I know youre a foolish imposter so give it
to me." People like that.] and I haven't [Never state the obvious. Instead,
say "I did but a group of Battle Duck wielding Scorchios swooped down out of a
blue cloud and took it to their base of operations so they could power the toothbrush
of ultimate dooom!" Much more believable.] so could you give me some articles
and stories n stuff to send in thanks [Big problems here. You
can really offend someone from asking-- DEMAND. And don't say thanks. It's more
like, "give me all your stuff for The Neopian Times now or those Scorchios will
come back." That's a lot friendlier.] oh and yeah my mutant Kiko
[Add nice descriptive words. Like, "my KOOLERTHANURPET!!! Mutant KIKO OHYEAH"]
would like to date your Faerie Gelert [And downplay
their pet, like "ur PATHETICLYUGLYANDABUSED tan dog with ICKYWINGS"] btw
[Isn't that a car company?] "
">XO!11 u n33d 2 DIIIIIEIIIEIEIE!!!111 [Looks good to me.
An excellent example of how to impress.] "
"Give me your [No, no, no, no. This should be, "u will
now proceed to place the following in my account, no questions asked."] DBD
HP HPS HH F-SLING SAP SAF [Sounds good, I'm sure they'll
hand over all these letters�] YUM I MEAN A IBD 2
[This part is no good. Saying, "I be the two!" doesn't impress much. Try, "I
AM DA COOLZERS!11", it works better.] AND UR SHIRT AND UR LEG
[This makes NO sense. It should be "UR PANTS AND UR LEG," not arm--sheesh.]
THANKS [Instead, say "Goodbye mortal, thanks for the
fish!" A plain ol' thanks is no good.] "
"u r kayute [Yes, this looks good. I mean, who ISN'T flattered
by a comment on their outward appearance? Sure, they might wonder where you
saw them, and if you are stalking them, and if you follow them home from work
every night, and if you're jeopardizing they're life, and where they can file
a restraining order-- but hey, that's the way the Ummagine Cookie crumbles.
Go for it.]
By now, you should have a decent bearing on how this system works. Now go
out and both-- mean, send mail to all those accomplished folks! They'll be none
the wis--er, feel so much better for it.