Angry? Frustrated? I Know How You Feel! by bluescorchio104 | |
THE DEEP CATACOMBS - You feeling angry right now? Frustrated? Feel like torching
something (or someone) with a portable kiln? Well, chances are you aren't. After
all, you've just spent the last few minutes chuckling at the antics of GoldenRhino
the stuper villain, or perhaps Really Confused. Face it- reading the Neopian
Times isn't something that's about you angry. Well, unless you read an opinionated
article that you disagree with- but we'll just push that to the side for a second
so no one contradicts my last sentence. But this article is all about anger.
And handily enough, there's a guide on how to handle that particular anger.
And since you're probably not angry yet, here's a list of the Top Ten Neopian
Ways to Get Angry. And when you've finished getting angry, come back to this
article to get de-angryfied.
Top Ten Neopian Ways To Get Angry
1. Go into a shop, and wait for it to restock. Go into a shop where there are
amazingly, fantastically valuable items to be found. With prices, which, of
course, are only a quarter of the price on the Shop Wizard. Anyway, go into
the shop, and wait till you see a great item which could make you a millionaire.
And then, find: a) someone else has already taken the item b) that you only
have one Neopoint on you, because the rest of is in the bank and you forgot
to withdraw some money earlier, or c) buy the item, then find that the same
item is in fact tens of thousands of NP cheaper in someone's else's shop, resulting
in a huge NP loss. I have experienced all three numerous times, with c) being
the most recent. (Damn Mega Force Ice Glove….)
2. Do a Kitchen Quest. Spend hundreds of thousands of NP on a ridiculously
expensive item worth hundreds of thousands of NP, and bring it back, to be rewarded
with… a ripped blue Chia plushie. Yay. Big whoop.
3. Build your NeoHome completely out of Transparashield. All forty-eight rooms.
Then, realise that you have absolutely no privacy, and that a strange pair of
binoculars seem to be propped on the back yard fence every time you take a shower.
This means that you have to demolish every single room, and start again, as
you hate the thought of your rooms not being colour coordinated.
4. Play a game which earns you very little NP, is maddeningly repetitive and
boring, and which you are absolutely no good at whatsoever. For me, that last
point includes just about every game in Neopia. Which explains the lack of trophies
in my trophy cabinet. Oh well. At least I have more room to store my raisin
toast collection.
5. Play a game, no matter how bad you are at it, until you finally get a game
which you know that when you send its score, will nab you a shiny gold trophy,
on account of the score being quadruple of the current high score. Then, send
the score, and wait. Wait for the Neopets' website to freeze up, that is, or
be taken down for maintenance. Or, you could have a younger sibling come along
and, just for fun, disconnect the phone line. Then, you can sit for a few seconds,
contemplating just how important that trophy would have been to you,
had the score been sent properly. Then comes the raging, screaming, and general
tantrum stuff. Just try not to destroy anything expensive.
6. Try to understand the Island Mystic. Sure, you'll need and amazing amount
of self-control to not punch the guy in the face after five-seconds, but it's
doable. Every one of his message has a deep, mystical meaning- "Today you will
be stampeded by a herd of angry Kaus" probably means that eating a Pink Negg
is probably better for your cholesterol than eating an Orange Negg. Or maybe
that wearing a neon-green tweed suit with a pink and purple spotted tie isn't
such a good idea.
7. Try to understand the Haiku Kougra. He's almost as bad as the Island Mystic,
but at least it's poetry. Culture, people, culture!
8. Try to understand both the Island Mystic and Haiku Kougra at the same time.
Total brain drain. I highly advise wearing a straitjacket when performing this
task, in order not to hurt yourself. Or hurt the Island Mystic or Haiku Kougra,
for that matter. After all, if they got hurt and were hospitalised, who would
be left to confuse, baffle, bewilder, agitate and annoy Neopia? Besides me,
of course.
9. Attempt to eat a popsicle of doom. Then find that the popsicle of doom is
in fact covered with many, razor sharp ice spikes. And then realise that the
popsicle, on account of it being so damn cold, is now frozen to your tongue,
with the aforementioned spikes digging in your flesh. And finally, after much
effort, resort to using a portable kiln to melt the popsicle away. Ouch. You're
gonna end up with just a tad more than singed eyebrows after that bright idea.
They really should put some safety warnings on those things, huh?
10. Try to figure out the Lenny Conundrum. After spending a few minutes silently
contemplating the problem, you'll probably be at the stage, say, of banging
your head against the computer monitor. And that will lead to… absolutely no
answer whatsoever! And guess what? It gets even more frustrating! Why? Well,
when the answer does come out, you'll find that it has nothing to do with the
conundrum at all! Yay! The answer will probably be something obscure and completely
absurd- like tap-dancing radioactive pineapples with optional drink holders.
Or, it'll be a random string of letters and numbers! (Trust me, it's happened
before and it'll happen again).
By now, you should be bald, because of all the hair you have ripped out in
frustration. The soles of your shoes should have roughly ten times the density
of lead, from all the times you've stamped your feet. You should also have a
crazed, half-mad glint in your eye. Completely mad, instead of half-mad, if
you can manage it. Somewhat resembling the glint in Jhudora's eye when you stroll
into her cloud wearing a "I Love Illusen" T-shirt.
Anyway, now, it's time to rid yourself of the anger, the Neopian way.
Step 1. Get yourself a stress ball. Since no stress balls exist in Neopia,
get something similar, like a Fuzzle. Or if you have a sadistic cruel streak,
get a Fungree, Jubjub, or better yet, a Kiko. And after you obtain a stress
ball substitute, you can one of two things: either actually squeeze the stress
ball substitute, or hurl it at the object of your frustration. If you're thinking
of doing the latter, the reason that you're using a stress ball substitute and
not a Pet Rock is so that the Chia Police don't arrest you and charge you for
aggravated assault.
Step 2. Drink a hot, relaxing cup of hot Borovan. But not too hot, because
if you scald the inside of your mouth you're liable to get even more angry.
If that happens, you can take it out on the Shoyru who sold the Borovan to you
in the first place. And as a bonus, if the Chia police come and arrest you,
you can just claim that the Shoyru laced your Borovan with drugs that made you
go psycho. Although that might not hold up in court too well.
Step 3. Eat a happiness negg. Then you can be happy, happy, happy! Not the
kind of happy when you win the Neopian Lottery, but happy nonetheless.
Step 4. Visit the Defenders of Neopia headquarters. Trust me, you'll have a
hard time staying angry (and keeping a straight face) when you see THAT many
Neopets in spandex, with their underwear worn on the outside of their pants.
Step 5. Take a relaxing soak in fancy bath tub. It probably won't be that easy
though, considering Neopia has no hot water service operating at the moment.
Oh well, it's still easy to take a relaxing soak in minus ten degree water,
right?
Step 6. Quack. Loudly. Or just make various farmyard Petpet noises. It might
not soothe your anger, but it'll allow anyone watching you to crack up laughing!
Step 7. Play Scorchy Slots. The mindless repetitiveness will take your mind
off the anger for sure. At least, I think. At least, I think. At least, I think.
At least, I think. At least, I think. At least, I think. Whoa! *shakes himself*
That mindless repetitiveness is infectious!
Step 8. Read The Neopian Times. Like I said before, it's almost impossible
to get angry while reading The Neopian Times. Especially when reading the latest
comics and short stories. And if there is something in the NT that makes you
angry, you can just roll the newspaper up, and declare it 'Opinionated Writer
Whacking Season'. Meaning that it's the season to whack opinionated writers,
not that it's the season for opinionated writers to go whacking. Uh, but before
you do, remember to read any footnotes at the end of the article, because the
writer might actually be trying to be sarcastic or satirical. That happened
to me once, and a reader who didn't bother reading the footnote hate-mailed
me. *Glares*
Step 9. Take it out on Bob. No, not Bob, as in your pet Mallard, but Bob, as
in the punch bag. Good ol' punch bag Bob will take all your angry swipes and
blows without so much as raising an eyebrow. Well, if he had eyebrows. No doubt
he originally had eyebrows, but now they're probably singed off due to all the
angry Neopets hurling fireballs at him.
Step 10. Meditate. Slowly, repeat this mantra: "I am one with the duck". Do
this anywhere from five hundred to five thousand times, preferably with some
type of duck balanced on your head. Rubber ducks will do fine, although the
various types of battle duck also do well. Although if the battle duck falls
and happens to shatter upon hitting the ground, you will have to repeat this
whole process again in order to avoid going insane with anger. Note that also
using a Mallard is recommended, although if it happens to, uh, heed the call
of nature, you might have to buy a bottle of shampoo and a Bath Tub. Make that
several bottles of shampoo.
Ah, so now you are fully aware of ways to relieve your anger in Neopia. And
how to make yourself angry, too. Which isn't that useful, come to think of it.
Hey, at least it's more useful than learning advanced calculus, right? Right?
Note: Those of you who have read my other articles may recognise the duck
meditation routine- it can be used for both de-angryfying and de-paranoia purposes.
Legal disclaimer: The writer of this article is under no legal obligation
to compensate in monetary terms for the aforementioned bottles of shampoo and/or
bath tub, should the aforementioned Mallard heed the call of nature while placed
upon a Neopian's head.
Second Legal disclaimer: The writer of this article is under no legal obligation
to compensate for any emotional and/or psychological trauma experienced by Neopians
due to repeatedly saying "I am one with the duck".
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