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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 26th day of Eating, Yr 21
The Neopian Times Week 88 > Articles > Good Ol' Paranoia

Good Ol' Paranoia

by too_kule

SOMEWHERE IN NEOPIA - Are you one of those people who jump at every creak? No? Well maybe you don't have an older brother, but if you did I think you'd have as much bravery as someone meeting Dr. Sloth at the gym. *shudders* Anyway, for those people out there who are super-suspicious, here's five Neopian conspiracies to give your head a whirl.

The Scratchcard Kiosk - If you've ever bought a scratchcard from our good old Wocky friend way up in the Ice Caves, you've obviously felt the crushing defeat of scratching six blanks in a row. But then that little loser of a Wocky starts crying when you lose... wait a second, that can't be right! Wouldn't that little bugger be jumping around for joy singing 'La Cookaracha' (or however it's spelled) and laughing at you! He doesn't have to (and probably will never have to) fork over that three million Neopoint jackpot to you.

So why is this so weird? He's obviously putting on a show. He isn't very smart (no, he's a genius selling gambling tickets) so he doesn't know how to react! He thinks he should be crying when he should be laughing! OF COURSE! Man, am I smart or what. So why is he putting on a show? It's obvious, isn't it? Erm... one second... uh... he's never going to give the jackpot away! I've scratched a dozen Race to Riches scratchcards and didn't win once. *someone walks up and whispers the jackpot can only be won with an Icetravaganza scratchcard* YOU'RE THE WOCKY'S MINION! GO AWAY BEFORE I SLAP YOU AROUND WITH MY STURGEON, MUAHAHAHAHA!

OK, I think my Easter sugar rush is finally going down. Phew.

Happy Icy Fun Snow Shop - OK, with a name like that it's OBVIOUS evil things are afoot in this here shop. First, there's a blueberry Chia pop. Yet there's no blueberries! How can a Chia pop be made with blueberries when there's no blueberries in Neopia! It doesn't make sense! IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! *someone runs up and whispers something about artificial flavours* YOU'RE THAT ADORABLE LENNY'S EVIL MINION! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU... YOU... EVIL MINION YOU!

Phew, I yell too much.

And don't get me started about the magical Chia pops. I'm seriously, if I ever get started on magical Chia pops I'm cracking skulls... The thing about magical Chia pops is they change you into a Chia. A fruit or vegetable Chia. How does that work? Seriously, I really want to know!

It took me hours, but I assembled an interview with this shopkeeper asking if he was evil. But the first thing they teach you at Neopian Times Writer School is never to jump to conclusions, and throughout the interview I kept that in mind.

TK: YOU'RE EVIL! EVIL! I KNOW YOU'RE EVIL SO ADMIT IT YOU SNIVELLING BAG OF DUNG!

Shopkeeper: Uh... security?

He's obviously in denial.

Animals in Neopia - Have you noticed there are many animal foods in Neopia? And I'm not talking about Petpet food like Snorkle Pudding and Bluna Burgers, I'm talking about real Earth animals. Here's a not-nearly-complete list:

Duck Neck

Turkey Dinner

Fish Pops

Escargot (snails)

Stuffed Frog

These are just some of the gross yet strangely delicious animals in Neopia. Well how did they get here then? It's obvious, isn't it? No? Well duh, I just say that for effect. What I was about to say before you rudely interrupted me, is that someone smuggled them in. How? Erm... well... they hid them under their shirt while entering Neopia and the Peter the security Chia didn't notice.

But why would they do this? I don't know. Please stop asking me.

Humans in Neopia - I know that Neopia is composed of more than fifty million users, but what about people with no Neopets? People who hang around all day playing Go Fish.

Take the Tombola Man for instance. How long has he been hanging around Neopia? He's a human, so what in Fyora's nasal passages is he doing here? There's also Dr. Petrov. For all of you green Newbies out there, Dr. Petrov ran the Spooky Petpet Shop some time ago before that Cybunny took over. I wonder what happened to him... process of elimination determines he was kidnapped by that Cybunny who is trying to rule Neopia one shop at a time. Good luck with that.

And those two humans also wear masks. The Tombola Man has that tribal wooden mask while Dr. Petrov had that green Frankenstein one (which we can only hope was a mask). However, the Mummy (a 1-player Battledome challenger) also has his face hidden, with many many bandages. Say, what's he doing there? Shouldn't he be walking around Earth, starring in horror films?

Edna is human (sort of) and she is as pretty as a Buzz. YES, A BUZZ! Maybe staying in Neopia too long makes you look ugly. The Tombola Man, Dr. Petrov and the Mummy all hid their ugly face. Wait... maybe... I'VE GOT IT! Staying in Neopia too long makes you mutate... into a NEOPET! Neopets are all humans who spent too much time in Neopia. OF COURSE! I've stumbled onto a conspiracy and nobody can do anything! *dart fires from nowhere and hits TK in the neck* I don't feel... too... good. *faints*

The Tyrannian Language - Huh? Woah, where am I? My head is spinning... anyway, the next conspiracy is the 'uggs' and 'uggas' of the extremely complex language of Tyrannia. I've been studying it for some time now (about five minutes) and have determined 'ugg' means please and 'ugga' means play. I know that because JarbJarb just approached me in a Random Event and said 'Ugg ugga Tyranu Evavu' which must mean 'Please play Tyranu Evavu'.

In the Tyrannian Food Shop, the Chia says 'Uggh-ugga-ugg'. We already know what ugga and ugg mean, so 'uggh' must mean buy! So he's saying 'Buy please play'. Er... makes sense when you think about it.

Man, for such supposedly stupid pets, they sure are smart to be able to follow such a complex language!

Lawn Gnomes - Call me crazy (most people do) but I'm scared of lawn gnomes. I start screaming uncontrollably if I see one. In my nightmares lawn gnomes are running around me, holding flowers and saying they love me and want to be my friend.

But what's the point of these ceramic wastes of Neopoints? To terrorize? I mean, the Gallery of Evil could be replaced by the catalogue you order lawn gnomes from! They're sole purpose is to scare burglars away. What burglar would want to go near a house with one of those evil decorations stalking them. And yes, I said stalking. Lawn gnomes stalk. Duh.

So what can we do? How about Annual Burn Lawn Gnomes Day? Just attack your lawn gnomes with random inanimate objects (I know you want to) and then light them on fire! Makes sense. And when I say annually, I mean once every twenty-four hours.

So maybe paranoia is a good thing. Maybe we need to be always afraid and have that lead pipe in hand at every step. If we don't, who will? This is too_kule, hiding in the corner with bloodshot eyes swinging an umbrella at anything that casts a shadow. Have a nice day. Over and out.

TK's pets' note: Our owner is a total imbecile, you'd be best disregarding everything he says.

Week 88 Related Links

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The Ghost of Cotton Island: Part One
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