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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 25th day of Eating, Yr 21
The Neopian Times Week 88 > Articles > The Bottom of the Darigan Deal - Not His Bum

The Bottom of the Darigan Deal - Not His Bum

by noremac9

HEALING IN A SAFE PLACE - Yup, he's here, the big fire-packed, horn-loaded, orb-toting, 'I will rule Neopia!' line-using Sceptre of Lord Darigan.

At this VERY MOMENT, thousands upon thousands of Neopians are fighting being roughed up at the hands of Lord Darigan, valiantly attempting to save Neopia idiotically attacking him for fame they won't find. They heal, fight lose, heal, and lose, over and over and over.

And then there are the smart folks. Yeah, that's right, the people reading this. The people who AREN'T dedicating there every waking hour to ridding Neopia of evil being beaten up over and over for no real reason. Those people still want to know a thing or too about Darigan, even if they're smart enough not to waste their time losing to him. So that's what I've set off to do, to find out what the heck this whole Darigan thing's about.

Okay, so somebody defeated him. Big whoop. The point is, we still don't know what this WHOLE DARIGAN THING WAS ABOUT. Even if he IS defeated.

The first place I went to was the Battledome. Seems logical enough to me, no? I mean, that's where all this is taking place. How he fits in there, we'll never know, but apparently he does. It's no big surprise that the first thing I see when I come into the Battledome is Darigan looking at the News Page, and Punchbag Bob reaching for the aforementioned antagonist's toenail. Okay, so maybe that's not what I was expecting to see. I was expecting to see Lord Darigan's Spectre, but not the whole Punchbag Bob deal. So this HAS to mean something. Naturally, I looked into it.

Punchbag Bob is an interesting guy. Er, assuming he can be classified as a guy. But the point is he's interesting. Actually, that's not the point-- the point is what he SAID to me when I fought him. He said "OUCH!! I HATE BEING A PUNCHBAG!!" Well, we have are first clue. He HATES being a Punchbag. Now, if you hated doing an occupation, what would you do? Well, I know what I'd do. I'd quit. But you can only quit if you know you have a better job opportunity-- dynamite. Lord Darigan's got A LOT of toenail. I mean, A LOT, A LOT of toenail. And somebody's GOT to polish them, because he can't do it. Well, it just so happens that Punchbag Bob is made of a felt-like substance. What happens when you rub a felt-like substance on a shiny toenail-like substance? Shine! It cleans the toenail-like substance right up! YOURS to own for just 19,999 NP, don't delay-- call today (shipping and handling not included… because it's free in Neopia)! Actually, it isn't yours to own, unless you've got your own Bob. The point is, Darigan HIRED Punchbag Bob to clean his toenails, and there he is doing it. Bingo. So now we know SOMETHING about this Lord Darigan deal, however irrelevant.

But there's more to it. Punchbag Bob is a good guy-- would he really work for the utmost evil in Neopia? No, I don't think he would. But his alter ego, Punchbag SID, might. You can tell when he's Punchbag Sid by the eye-patch, though we can see he's not wearing it at that moment. That means Sid has merged with Bob-- Sid is the inner, Bob is the outer. And there's only ONE way to do that: the cooking pot. And there's only ONE way you could use the cooking pot for as sinister a reason as that: Jhuidah. Now, the interesting thing is, she's on the side of GOOD. Sid is on the side of evil. Okay, so here's the kicker-- she had to LET him merge with Bob, and thus commit an act of evil. Now why would she want to do that? Well, we know from the Gadgadsbogen Puzzle that Jhuidah ate the twirlyfruit. And it's a well known fact that twirlyfruit has phosphorous pigment that can disagree with certain peoples' stomachs. And when it does, it can cause all KINDS of problems. Like in this instance-- Jhuidah is having some problems. First she bumps the Island Mystic into the cooking pot, now she's letting Sid help take over Neopia, and who knows what's next! So keep an eye on Jhuidah over the next couple of weeks.

Now, maybe it's just me, but if twirlyfruit can cause these kinds of problems, it should be boycotted. But hey, what do I know?

Anyway, back to Darigan. The point is, he hired Sid-Bob to polish his toenails. But here's where it gets deeper. Sid-Bob is made of felt, hey, and other flammable materials. That's right, FLAMMABLE MATERIALS. That means, eventually, Sid-Bob is going to set on fire. And burn into embers. And I'm guessing Darigan KNOWS that, too. So what does he get from all this? He gets a lot.

The place Neopians go to heal their pets is Sid-Bob. Sid-Bob doesn't attack, so their pets are able to heal as much as they like, free of charge. Without this, they'll have to heal with potions, and the Healing Springs, both of which are either unreliable, or expensive. I think we're getting to the root of it.

He's looking at the News Page for a reason, folks. He's looking at it thinking, "I remember when Healing Potions were released. Good thing I stocked up." THAT'S what he's thinking. Because he's stocked up on 'em, he's going to make a fortune. You can tell by the look in his eyes, really. That's why he went through all this trouble-- he wants to be the RICHEST pet in Neopia. That's why he did all of this; that's why he went through all this trouble! He's invested in Healing Potions, and he's going to make a killing off selling them, one by one. Not only that, but he's increasing the demand by beating the dung out of numerous pets while he claims to be 'trying to take over Neopia'. So that's what this is all about. All this trouble for the lust of NP. We all now know what lies in the depths of Darigan's malice.

Therefore, we should all invest in Healing Potions while we can, before the massive rise in price when Sid-Bob is burnt up. If the evidence presented here wasn't enough, I don't know what IS enough. It's all there, clear as a Top of the Mountain crystal.

So, in conclusion, don't eat twirlyfruit, beware Jhuidah, beware Sid-Bob before the go up in flames, and invest in Healing Potions. Well, that pretty much covers it.

Now, young/old/middle age Neopians, we must do what we can to make cash to stop evil. Until then, I leave you to ponder why all those pineapple items were released at the same time as such a crisis as this one…

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