Author's Note: Last Halloween, most of the characters you'll read about
in this short story were featured in the short story "Villains'
Party Night: Neoween," so you may want to read it before this so that this
story will make at least some sense.
"Welcome, everyone!" boomed an all-too-familiar
voice over in the next room--the Neoliving room. Pegasus, a white Tonu, walked
in cautiously to find out why Sloth seemed to be greeting her, only to see that
her owner, leb388, and her little sister, Li (her other sister, Lebmon, a Striped
Pteri, was in her room), little brother Conspicit, and cousin, Keira, were watching
Sloth on TV, with a normal-looking Neoliving room as the backdrop behind him.
"Leb388, you never watch TV here in Neopia.
What's this?" Pegasus asked, as the Sloth on the screen behind her droned on.
"Our TV only gets NTV, NOX and PBN, and you said that only a loser would log
online to watch TV--"
To that, leb388 looked at her and whispered
sharply, "Shh! We're trying to watch it."
Surprised, Pegasus sat down on a chair
and started to watch the show.
"--yes, that's right, the Evil Guild
of Neopia. It's private, so don't go sticking your nose in asking to join. It's
for villains only, and if we think you're a villain, we'll send you an invitation.
Sorry, Darigan, no-can-do. Anyway, you may want to know, whom is "we"? We're
all of your favorite--and least favorite--villains who gather for villain-only
competitions, games, meetings, and parties. That's right--we party like crazy.
You know who invented New Year's Eve? We did. Uh-huh. Anyway, our spring break
is coming up, and we're flat broke. I tried popup ads in that Advert Attack
game, and the Neopets Team threatened my life. And no other villains besides
Panty, Balthazar and me would stoop down as low as to appear on a PBN telethon.
So Panty here--"
The screen moved from Sloth in his long
black robe to the Pant Devil, who was picking through the wallet of the screen
"Yes, your Evilness," the Pant Devil squeaked,
handing back Balthazar's wallet and murmuring an apology.
"So anyway," Sloth continued, "Panty had
the greatest idea. 'Your Evilness,' he said, 'we should have a telethon to raise
money, and in exchange we will go a full week without terrorizing Neopia. I'll
also do an Island jig if you decide I am honorary enough for it.'"
"Sloth, I didn't say that--"
"Silence, fool! And so I said, 'Panty,
shush and go back to stealing lollies from Baby pets! That's the dumbest idea
I ever heard! Well, that telethon idea's good, but even if we do it, we're going
to terrorize more, if anything!'"
Suddenly, Balthazar ran up to Sloth and
whispered something in his ear.
"Correction--if we reach our goal for this
fiscal year, we will go two weeks without terrorizing you," Sloth said apologetically.
"And now Panty will do an Island jig."
Sloth looked menacingly at the Pant Devil.
"Panty, you do an Island jig or I'll--" Sloth suddenly looked back at the camera,
smiled and said, "Look, Panty, Balthazar did the sign for 'We just lost a commercial
sponsor over that.' Now, before we lose any more, Panty, please do an Island
Unwillingly, Pant Devil donned a blue grass
skirt and started doing an Island jig.
"This is weird," Pegasus said. "PBN always
runs telethons for donations, but this?"
"If they have commercial sponsors, why
are they asking for NP?" Li wondered aloud.
"They must have sponsors that give enough
NP to keep them on the air but aren't willing to give more," leb388 responded,
"so the villains are asking regular Neopians for NP."
"That sounds logical," Conspicit, leb388's
Island Poogle, replied, not taking his eyes off the screen. He perceptively
noticed that the group was silently staring at him, so he added: "For a telethon
run by villains, I mean."
"Ah," Pegasus said.
"This is boring," Keira, leb388's Baby
Poogle niece, moaned. She got up and walked into the kitchen.
"Wow, look at Panty jig!" Conspicit admired.
Back on the screen, the Pant Devil finished
his jig and Sloth said, "All right, you saw the jig, now pay up! I mean... please
donate, audience. We'd really appreciate some Neopoints."
The camera angle switched and Sloth continued.
"Now, you may be wondering how we got a
studio to look so realistically like a Neoliving room. As I said, we're flat
broke, so a studio was out of the question. Yep, we're filming from Panty's
house. And since we have nothing better to do and they hate us anyway, why don't
we step outside and take a look at some of our neighbors?"
The camera followed Sloth as he walked
out the door and stepped onto Panty's lawn. He gestured toward leb388's house,
saying, "Over here, you see, is the home of the Times author leb388. She--"
Pegasus moaned and looked away from the
screen as, immediately, leb388 ran up and into the kitchen.
"I feel trouble coming up," Conspicit said
with a sigh. "I mean, 'Let's take a look at some of our neighbors?' Wasn't leb388
asked to go on that NOX show 'When Neighbors Attack'?"
"No," Pegasus replied. "That was Jamez,
remember? But they couldn't get the show off the ground. 'Too pointless,' I
believe the conclusion for stopping the filming was. They were filming some
scenes in the Battledome a few months ago when I had a battle, so me and some
of my friends found out before it was officially announced."
"Oh, now I remember. Well, they should've
asked leb388. And Sloth is just asking for it. But, dude," Conspicit said, turning
back to the TV and grinning in amazement, "that was one awesome jig Panty did."
Li, leb388's Desert Aisha, only nodded,
and the three of them went back to watching the telethon.
Back onscreen, Balthazar ran out to
Sloth. "Sloth, we dun gots a call!"
"Hot Crown Roast Beef! Did they donate?"
Sloth asked, smiling hopefully.
"Come see, yo!" Balthazar shouted excitedly.
Sure enough, there was a row of Mutant
Grundos sitting at desks, most of them waiting for phones to ring. However,
one had a phone to his ear, talking in a thick Grundish brogue. "Sloth you want
to speak with?" he asked.
"Yes! I want to speak to Sloth!" the voice
Pegasus moaned. "Not--"
Li looked at her and sighed. "She's been
hanging around leb388 too long."
But Conspicit was still staring at the
screen. "That was a great jig. I never knew Panty was so talented!"
Sloth picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Hi, Sloth? You're ugwy," Keira said over
the phone, giggling.
"What? Who is this? You're that pet of
leb388's, aren't you? Bah!"
"SLOTH! YOU TREAT MY NIECE WITH RESPECT!"
Leb388's voice on the phone boomed on-screen
and in the kitchen. Keira was leb388's sister's pet, and leb388's pets' cousin.
Say that three times fast. Anyway, Keira liked to call Sloth "ugwy" even though
Li constantly chided her for it.
Sloth slammed down the receiver. "Sorry
folks, so sorry. It seems that was a false alarm," he apologized. "Erm...how
close are we to our goal?" he asked blankly, looking at the screen.
Balthazar replied, "Well, our goal be one
million Neopoints, yo, and we don't got nothin' yet."
"Oh--" Sloth yelled, followed by a bleep.
After a moment, he turned to the camera and smiled. "Ah well, I'm hungry, and
we need to use up some time. Let's go over to the fridge!" Sloth ran over to
the Pant Devil's kitchen and opened the door to the refridgerator. "Ah, Crown
"Uh... you're probably going to want an
explanation," Jamez muttered. He was in the fridge and clutched a gallon of
Kau Kau Farms milk, and his Blue Shoyru, Six75, was holding a pound of cheese.
Yes, the Pant Devil has a big refrigerator.
"I told him digging those tunnels
into the Pant Devil's NeoHome would come back to haunt him one day!" leb388
yelled at the TV of her brother, JamezBfod. She and Keira were back on the couch,
watching the telethon.
"Do you think Panty's going to jig again?"
Conspicit asked hopefully.
"Oiy, I hope not," Li muttered. "Why are
we still watching this, anyway?"
"Shh, it's just getting interesting," leb388
"Panty was never gonna eat them!" Jamez
protested on-screen. "Do you want this good food to stay here and go to waste?"
"I don't care, you little theif, just get
out of here!"
"Fine, be that way. But... uh... you're
not gonna want to look in the dryer."
Suddenly, the Pant Devil's eyes widened
and he ran (er...flew) down a stairway to his cellar. A camera followed him,
and he worriedly shut off his dryer and opened the door. "Give me back my socks,
you Scorchio demon!"
"Uh... you're probably going to want an
explanation," Wingston36, Jamez's Fire Scorchio, said while holding an armful
of mismatched socks. He stepped out of the dryer, and his flames looked surprisingly
"You don't need to explain! I don't care
for your explanations! Just give me my socks and get out of my house!" the Pant
"Fair enough. But.. uh... you're not gonna
want to look under the couch."
The screen switched to the Pant Devil's
Neoliving room. "And now, we have some very special guests here. The band Stomp
will arrive shortly!" Sloth announced proudly.
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" an army of Evil
Fuzzles suddenly screeched, running past the screen. The Fuzzles were followed
by a Grundo in a robot walker screaming, "Stop! I have to vaporize you!"
"What is the meaning of this?" Sloth demanded.
While firing a laser, the Grundo shouted,
"The Fuzzles said, 'Stomp isn't coming--the band Smash is.' Either that or 'Dude,
where's our spacepod?' Fuzzlish is kinda hard to translate." With that, he ran
offscreen, still firing.
"What?! What in Neopia is--"
"JAMEZ! YOUR PETS BETTER NOT BE STEALING
CHANGE FROM UNDER MY COUCH!" the Pant Devil boomed, flying upstairs. Sure enough,
he looked under his Neocouch and found SirenSalo, Jamez's Blue Gelert, and ObiGrarrlKenobi,
Jamez's Fire Grarrl, under his couch collecting NP coins.
"Uh...you're probably gonna want--" SirenSalo
"I don't want an explination!" the Pant
Devil yelled. "I want you to get out of here!"
"No, I was gonna say that you were probably
gonna want the coins back, but I guess not," SirenSalo replied.
Sloth moaned loudly, interrupting the Pant
Devil. "You--that person who knows leb388--Jamez? Yeah, you. Just a wild guess
here, but are you and your pets the band 'Smash'?"
"Yeah, we are."
"Well... play, or smash, or stomp, or whatever
you do. Just do something!" Sloth yelled.
Jamez shouted, "C'mon, guys, start smashing!"
to his pets, and they began to trash the Pant Devil's house.
"Turn down the volume, Pegasus!" leb388
Pegasus grabbed the remote and pressed
the volume button down, but the sound coming from the TV stayed the same. "It's
jammed or something!" she yelled, frustrated.
"Try muting it!"
She did, but nothing happened. Jamez and
his pets' blaring stomping were still at full blast.
Li looked out a window. "Wow, we must be
hearing what's coming out of Panty's house!" she screamed. "At this rate, all
of Neopia will hear that noise!"
Onscreen, Jamez and his pets had smashed
several chairs and stepped on every piece of furniture. Six took two table legs
and started playing drum-style on the Pant Devil's chandelier in his kitchen.
Wingston found an electric guitar and played while he stole more socks. ObiGrarrl
made turntables out of plates and the Pant Devil's stove. SirenSalo stole a
microphone from the set and started to sing, while Wingston stole even more
socks (Disclaimer: Just because a character in this story repeatedly steals
socks and another has a tendency to steal items doesn't mean that you should.
The author does not endorse or suggest stealing in real life. Just so you know.).
"All right, audience. Here's the deal!"
Sloth yelled, a tone of desperation in his deep voice. "If you guys collectively
donate one million Neopoints, we'll get these guys to stop!"
All of the phones had begun to ring at
once. The Mutant Grundo operators each listened, typed an amount into their
computers, thanked the donators, and took more calls. "Thank you for donation,
Chet Flash!" the Grundo who had taken Keira's call earlier said. No sooner had
he put down the receiver did the phone begin to ring again.
For a few minutes, Sloth watched excitedly
as the amount on the donation screen climbed to nearly nine hundred thousand
NP. "Almost there!" he yelled.
"THANK YOU NEOPIA!" sang SirenSalo, and
all the ruckus ceased, just as the screen hit one million NP.
"YEAH!" Sloth yelled. "What he said! I
never thought I'd say this to Neopia, but thanks so much! That's all for now!"
Suddenly, credits started rolling to the
side of the screen, while Jamez and his pets were gathering up their (and the
Pant Devil's) stuff to go home; the Pant Devil did an Island jig (much to Conspicit's
delight); the Evil Fuzzles tried to escape being vaporized; Jamez changed to
his suit-and-tie business mode and was giving Sloth financial advice (for a
fee, of course); other villains who were too ashamed of ruining their self-image
by appearing on a telethon came onscreen and partied; and Sloth ate Crown Roast
Leb388 got up and shut off the TV. "That
was great! Who says extemporaneous reality shows are boring and stupid?"
"You did," Pegasus replied, "about a week
ago, about that 'When Neighbors Attack'--"
"Ah, well. We'll give those guys about
seven hours, then I'll go help Panty clean up. It's the least I can do. Anyone
want to help?"
Everyone was quiet, so Pegasus said, "Fine,
I'll help too."
"I guess I'll help," Conspicit offered.
Lebmon, leb388's striped Pteri and the
youngest of her pets, poked her head in the living room. She looked at the group,
whom were still watching the villains' after-show party on TV, and remarked,
"You guys are weird."
"I prefer the term 'normalcy challenged,'"
"Whatever." Lebmon left, but Li and Keira
offered to help, too.
So, after exactly seven hours, the five
of them went next door to help out the Pant Devil.
"Those guys party at my place without even
asking, and they never stick around to clean up after they've trashed it," the
Pant Devil muttered to himself with a sigh, pushing a mop on the kitchen floor
while wearing a little pink maid apron.
The group walked in, and the Pant Devil
"I'll help you out, old buddy," leb388
replied, grabbing a dustpan.
"Me too," Pegasus added. "I'll clean these
windows. Ick." She grabbed some NeoWindow Cleaning Solution and paper towels,
and began to wipe them off.
"We'll help vacuum the living room," Li
offered, as she and Keira went off to do so. Conspicit offered to help the Pant
"You don't have to do this, you guys,"
the Pant Devil said, blushing slightly.
"It's no problem, Panty. You know, you
really shouldn't let those jerks push you around. You're ten times the theif
Sloth could ever dream of being half of," leb388 encouraged, but added: "Though
I really don't approve of stealing."
The Pant Devil stopped and looked at leb388.
"You mean it? You think I'm that good--I mean, um, bad?"
"I mean it," leb388 responded. "Ugh, how
did they manage to trash this place this horrendously after only eight hours?"
"I have no idea. Though, Jamez and his
pets were here." The Pant Devil continued to mop.
"Panty, I was watching you jig," Conspicit
said, not noticing the Pant Devil scowl in embarrassment, "and I think you really
have something. You could be a famous jigger or something. I don't really think
it's a career yet, but it'll probably look better on a Neoresume than 'Unemployed
"You think so? I never really thought about
it," the Pant Devil replied.
Still wiping the kitchen windows (which
is hard, being a White Tonu), Pegasus inquired, "What do those million Neopoints
Sloth collected really go toward, anyway?"
"Well, most goes to partying for spring
break and the Evil Guild of Neopia funds, like Sloth said, but the rest goes
toward Sloth's private supply of Crown Roast beef," the Pant Devil replied with
"Well, one million Neopoints should last
Sloth a day or so," leb388 joked. "What are you going to to for that two weeks
you guys promised not to terrorize Neopia, Panty?"
But the Pant Devil was gone. "Panty?" leb388
repeated. "Ah, well, I didn't expect it to last."
"Do we still have to clean, Auntie leb388?"
Keira asked. "The blue ghostie left."
"Not if you don't want to," leb388 said,
"but I'm going to help out an old friend."
The group nodded silently and remained
"Say, shouldn't we end the day with something
funny or cool?" Li asked. "Like an exciting twist or something. It just seemed
rather boring to me."
"Uh... how about we go out for slushies
after we finish?" leb388 queried.
"Yay!" everyone chorused.