Location: The Haunted Woods
THE HAUNTED WOODS -
SM: I'm officially freaked out now. I thought substituting for too_kule
would be fun…I was wrong. Being here in the Haunted Woods has taught me one
thing: don't touch any trees-they might come alive and ask you history questions.
It's also enlightened me on catching ghosts in pumpkins, finding strange foods
for big hands, and navigating myself through an eerie house. However, above
all else, my trip to the Haunted Woods brought me the miserable story of a Meerca
aptly named Meuka.
SM: Meuka is well known, and not a very good specimen for "Background Voices
of Neopia", but he still plays an important role in Neopia-the worldly sicko.
I mean, a Meerca made from SNOT? That's worse than fruitcake!
EM: Woah, there, simsman! Let's not say anything we can't take back!
SM: OK, sorry! Maybe fruitcake is worse than Meuka. However, he actually
isn't that horrible, once you get to know him-
EM: IF you get to know him!
SM: Yes, excuse me, IF you get to know him! Lots of pets don't even want
to go near him because, well…he'll eat them. But you can't blame them! Nobody
wants to be eaten by a giant snot-ball. That was my first impression-that is,
until I got to know the Meerca behind the sticky substance.
SM: With my trusty Quiggle electro_man, or as some may know him, Iggy,
I ventured into the Haunted Woods last week to unravel the tale of Meuka the
Meerca. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised…
SM: It was near to midnight when we realized that it was getting dark out
(OK, we're not the sharpest knives in the drawer), so we decided that if we
were ever going to see the nocturnal Neopet, we'd have to move quickly. Hiding
behind a bush, we were staking out Meuka…and then we saw him.
EM: The guy was HUGE! And not simsman after Thanksgiving dinner huge, but
Grarrl huge… hehe, not like there's any difference.
SM: Watch it!
EM: Yeesh, sorry for coming along! Now can we just get this stupid interview
over with? I'm cold… and hungry… and tired… and drowsy… and exhausted, and beat,
and bushed, and worn-out, and lethargic, and sluggish and-
SM: Give me that darn Thesaurus! And be quiet! I'm not sure what language
this fella speaks, so I'm going to try the native Haunted Woods tongue--that's
our best bet. Ahem… Titaktu chee!
SM: At this, Meuka's ears perked up… he knew we were there.
M: Chang soo gee?
SM: Iggy! Shh! This is a primitive creature-he can't understand "yes" or any
words we speak-you're just confusing him!
M: Actually, I can understand you perfectly.
EM: Ahhhhhhh! Don't eat me!
M: Silly! I'm not going to eat you! You're here to interview me, aren't ya?
SM: Um… how did you know that?
M: Oh, I have my ways… that Edna can't keep her mouth shut!
SM: If you don't mind me asking-why are you so calm and nice? And how come
you can speak English if you responded to what I said before?
M: I didn't understand it--I just sneezed. It was your little friend here-the
Quiggle hiding behind your back-that made me knew it was you. As to the calm
and nice bit, thanks for the compliment. But I'm always like this.
EM: Y-y-you are?
M: Of course! What, you think I stomp around eating people and screaming?
M: Oh, no, not you, too! That's what EVERYBODY thinks! I did that ONCE during
New Year's and then everybody got on my case! Why can't they just leave me in
SM: So you're not a raging lunatic?
M: Of course not! Nobody knows me-they all think I'm going to wipe my nose
EM: Or eat them!
M: Um… yeah, or that…
SM: Well, people will know you now. I'm going to send this interview to the
world of NeoPets. Do you mind?
M: No, of course not! Ask away!
SM: OK, first things first-what's up with the snot?
M: Here we go again… this isn't my fault! A negligent owner and a horrible
case of Sneezles did it-
M: Yes, very… nobody bought me a Magic Cookie! So I was left alone for years-nobody
wanted to come near me because my nose kept running, so I was left to go to
the most secluded place in Neopia-the Haunted Woods.
SM: Have you ever thought about getting the Magic Cookie yourself?
M: Are you crazy? Have you seen that pharmacist? Can you say "use a tissue?"
SM: I see… now, what about this whole evil bit?
M: That darn Gallery of Evil staff did it to me! Curse them! At a New Year's
Party last year with a bunch of the Haunted Woods residents, I was… dared… to
find a real Neopet and eat it. That goes to show the sickness of the Esophagor.
Anyway, I was about to, but realized that eating a poor, little Neopet is the
worst thing you can do… so I didn't.
SM: But how did people think you were evil?
M: Well, the staff at the Gallery of Evil saw me about to do it, and, knowing
them, they followed through and said I did the deed-seven times. Immediately
after I was inducted into the big book, I was famous-and feared.
SM: I'm deeply sorry for opening up those wounds… but I hope once this gets
out, people will see the true you.
M: Thanks for your sympathy. Now, what else would you like to ask me?
SM: Well, being up here in the lonely and scary woods, what do you do for
M: Oh, you know--grow Scary Trees, harvest pumpkins, make picture frames of
macaroni and glitter…
SM: Do you have any of the Meuka merchandise that's out in stores?
M: There's merchandise!?
EM: Oh yeah! You should see the Hidden Tower!
M: I didn't know it went past Defenders of Neopia! That wasn't even me--they
hired some fat Kacheek to get in a suit that looks like me.
SM: As a matter of fact, I've got you in my stamp album.
M: I'M A STAMP!?!?!?!?
EM: Um… if it helps, you're rare.
M: Ooh, thanks a lot. Now I get to go cry!
SM: After that, he ran back off into the darkness. Wow, I must get really
annoying with these little blurbs about action, don't I?
SM: Um…did you just see what I just saw?
EM: A giant Meerca running off, crying? Yup.
SM: So, do you think I should publish this?
EM: No! It's boriiinnggg! You've gotta get a juicy story!
SM: But that would be fake!
EM: Wow, nothing gets past you!
SM: Wouldn't that be… wrong?
EM: No--we call it "the press." Now, what do you think about this? He was
raised by a pack of Lupes, and at age four, he began…
SM: So, my interview with Meuka didn't really go as planned, but the truth
came out. I was pretty interested in Iggy's ideas, until he got into the phase
of Meuka's life aboard an alien spaceship-what a weird pet I own. So, who knows
who I'll interview next? This has been "Background Voices of Neopia." Goodbye!
EM: …was sent down back to Neopia, where a ticker-tape parade was held in
his honor. So he saved the world, and got back in time to drink a nice cup of
hot borovan. How's that?… simsman? Simsman?
Author's Note: This is in no way based or related to Issue 59's "Unsolved
Mysteries: Meuka" by superblitz269 or Issue 54's "The Evil Neopet Interviews:
Meuka the Mucus Meerca" by bluescorchio104. Please don't Neomail me asking why
I 'copied' it, because I did not-this is an entirely original work. I had no
idea of those two articles until after I was informed by my new partner in crime-writing
(hehe, cool pun!), too_kule.