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ANTI-VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL
The Unvalentine's Quiggle Plushie
Alone he does sit, with tears in his eyes,
a poor broken heart from betrayal and lies.
An undelivered letter full of undying love,
a new start in romance he does dream of.
While some Neopets are spreading love,
declaring friendship from the skies above.
Buying ruby-red roses for their closet friends,
The Quiggle's heart will likely never mend.
His melancholy mood is everlasting,
The smile on his face forever falling.
The once vibrant purple beginning to fade,
His stitches are needing immediate aid.
This plushie is in need of a serious cuddle,
But the rain keeps falling on him, making a puddle.
The charcoal black heart forever fading,
His plans in life eternally failing.
No chocolates for him or prismatic flowers,
Just sitting alone for hours and hours.
The worst day of the year, for him, yes indeed,
For him, someone to love is just what he needs.
Bounty Hunters Don't Have Time for Silly Things Like Love
Virtupets transmission 4815L16
Sender: Ylana Skyfire
Recipient: Commander Garoo
Subject: Listen up, idiot
You know how much I hate you,
And how I always shall.
I constantly berate you;
I'll never be your gal.
And so, as it grows nearer
To that most mushy day,
I simply can't be clearer:
I loathe you. Stay away.
You disgust me with your foulness,
You repulse me with your face;
The way you always prowl this
Station's simply a disgrace.
You're a terrible commander,
And you haven't any tact.
These statements are not slander,
But verified as fact.
You have a shoddy blaster,
Your armour is sub-par.
And even Sloth, our master,
Thinks your attitude's bizarre.
And for your team of rangers?
You call them your "elites,"
But if they're faced with danger,
They always will retreat.
It really is confusing;
I cannot understand
How one so used to losing
Can be left in command.
And sure, you're somewhat dashing,
And just a little cute,
But you still deserve a lashing
For being such a brute.
Yet though you are all bluster,
And aren't extremely bright,
I somehow am quite flustered
When you are in my sight.
It's strange that one so brainless
Can now affect me thus.
I really do disdain this,
Since your very life disgusts.
But these perplexing feelings
Still don't outweigh the truth:
You're not the least appealing.
You're boorish and uncouth.
And though I sometimes think of you
A little bit more kindly,
I know this outlook is not true.
I'll put those thoughts behind me.
So now I think I must restate
My point in all of this:
You are the one I'll always hate;
My loathing will persist.
No matter that you're sometimes sweet --
It doesn't change my view.
I think it's worth it to repeat:
I am repulsed by you.
So if you have it in your head
To send me Valentines,
You'll soon be wishing you were dead.
I'd certainly decline.
And if the next time you meet me
I just happen to blush,
It's not because of love, you see;
I just hate you so much.
P.S. "Garoo" is a stupid name.
Sloth to Jhudora, an Anti-Vday Poem
I really love how you can go
From zero to homicidal berserker rage
Within five seconds.
(And yes, I can actually count to five,
Even if you're convinced I can't.)
I love how you're a natural purplette,
The only one in Neopia, as far as I know,
And how your nails of a green so limey
That one's eyes water looking at them.
I have fond memories of
That time we went to dinner
And you almost burned down the place,
But the restaurant was kelp
And we were under water,
So it was all good in the end.
I love the way you counter
My every comment with
Your gallons of jaded vitriol,
How there is no one quicker to insult me
Or take offence to what I say.
And I love the way we can't talk to each other
Without plotting to blow each other up,
And handshakes between us
Devolve into arm-wrestling matches,
And you try to break my knuckles every time.
Have a happy Valentine's Day, my bitterest,
And I hope you sit on a Urgoni.
Tell me, celebrant of sugared hearts and bouquets,
for an envoy of darkness such as I
does truly long to know --
In what lies the allure of blushing sparkles,
of laced, rose-red paper hearts?
You speak of beautiful symbolism, of
affections sprinkled over these gifts
of delightful warmth;
you sigh of love, of smiles,
of the magical paradox that is
gentle yet steel-sturdy bond.
Just as leaves eventually fall
and rivulets wither in time,
all things are restless, bound to shift;
a friendship is but leverage and a mask,
and in fondness there is not a hint of enticement
I, the Ixi Courtier, had seen all as I
ventured forth for the mighty Kass:
for I alone play emotions and greed
as puppet strings.
No one fathoms desires and natures as I do --
and in the fondant-caked word
I candidly see naught but promises splintered,
bridges broken, and
bitter, acrid betrayal.
Anti-Ode to Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day is almost here,
My most dreaded time of the year;
When besotted Neopians, young and old,
In Neopian lands across the globe
Set out on a most unreasonable quest;
Why doth the ladies not protest?
Do join me in my humble request,
That all Neopians must learn to reject
Such sugared milkshakes, cakes, and sweets,
Boxes of chocolates, treacle treats.
And those ridiculous heart-shaped balloons
With matching wood and ivory spoons.
Though it isn't tacky Gift Shop wares
That stir my ire -- I could care less
About bouquets rotting on the shelf
Or even lavish dinners at kelp.
No, I detest most their preoccupation
With making such false proclamations --
Of affection and adoration and love.
Pah! Why, when push comes to shove --
You'll find your "Valentine" is gone.
You'll learn none can be relied upon.
Foolish Neopians, why can't you see?
I grow tired of this, so leave me be!
For roses may be red and
violets may be blue,
But I'd rather be alone than spend
This Valentine's with you!
The Rotten Candygram
Hidden in the Haunted Woods,
Forlorn as one can be,
Concealing many unseen goods,
A Candygram of ruby.
The ribbon has since worn away,
Blown by moaning gales,
Discarded upon rocks so grey,
To ghostly screams and wails.
The Candygram now lies ajar,
Its treats of chocolate gone,
And -- my goodness, how bizarre!
There a broken heart is drawn.
A tattered note wafts alone,
Crushed by indifferent paws,
As yellow as an ancient bone,
Ink faded by snowy thaws.
The writing faint but legible,
It says something like this:
"May your day be caught in bramble,
And be devoid of any bliss,
May your Valentine's Day be woeful,
And heartfelt hopes amiss!"
Ban the Candy Hearts
No more candy hearts, I say,
Please stop giving them to me today.
Go ahead and try, of course you may,
But I will not acknowledge your silly hearts.
I abhor their sappy messages,
Those sickly sweet little quotes,
A fake attempt at poetry:
"Be my love Moach"
"Neopia's Sweetest Pet"
I do not want them in red,
Purple, yellow, or blue;
They make me think of chalky goo
And taste like that, too.
I do not condone their use,
I cannot stand the very sight,
It makes me ill to see those candy hearts.
No candy hearts will find me,
No, indeed, not whilst I still see,
I'll keep my paws completely free,
My lips without the faintest trace.
Today they're spread throughout the land,
Today they give them out from ice to sand,
But I shan't give in,
I'll continue having strength divine,
Those seductive little hearts,
Oh, they have no claim on mine.
Valentine's: My Greatest Fear
There's a day that comes every year,
That has me in the corner, quivering with fear.
That day, my friends, is not Halloween,
But I assure you it's ten times as mean.
What day is it then, I hear you ask,
Explaining it is an easy task,
I'm talking about Valentine's Day.
"That's not scary!" I hear you say.
But, my friend, let me tell you why,
It is a day that just makes me want to cry.
I myself am a mutant Koi;
Admittedly I'm not the prettiest boy.
But every year it passes without fail,
Without me getting special Valentine's mail,
Not one letter, not even a card.
So as you can see enjoying it is hard.
Everyone gets more Valentines than me.
They all think I'm ugly, you see?
They think I'm evil, they think I'm bad.
It all makes me very sad.
You look at me your face with sorrow,
You shrug and say, "But it's tomorrow?"
With a sigh I turn around
And just look down at the ground.
You comfort me with a friendly smile,
You say, "But you have your own style.
Don't listen to what is said by another pet!
Those silly things you will forget."
"Who needs Valentine's anyway?
It's just another pointless day."
With a grin I look at you,
What you have said is very true.
You gave me a brilliant idea!
Maybe I won't be sad this year.
Valentine's is not the celebration for me.
Without it I will feel so free.
When everyone's in pink, I'll be in black,
To show Valentine's spirit I do lack,
So happy Anti-Valentine's, my friends,
Celebrate with me until this horrid day ends.
Vira Hates Valentines
No greater torment do I know,
Than that which comes each year.
No other moment instills hate,
Or grips me with such fear.
I dislike seeing pink and red,
In heart shapes, handed 'round.
I can't stand ballads, cards, and gifts,
Or poetry, profound.
"Happy Valentine's!" pets say,
With cards they seek to share.
I check my mail time and time,
But nothing's ever there.
No Valentines for Vira, see,
Like I don't have appeal?
Just because I'm wicked, vain,
Does that mean I can't feel?
Selfish! That's what they all are,
Ignoring all my pain.
And legend claims that I'M a beast,
For being proud and vain.
I wouldn't mind some candy hearts,
Or chocolate, nice and sweet.
Yet Neopets just run and scream,
When with myself, they meet.
So many things that I would like,
New mirror, flowers too.
But when you look like such a beast,
No one has time for you.
Chocolate may a toothache bring,
Those cards will send you broke!
So take old Vira's sound advice,
Don't celebrate this joke!
Unhappy day, Unvalentine's,
Melted Chocolate Neggs unplease the mouth,
Unsealing unsigned envelopes,
Watching Unvalentine cards pour out.
Unhand that Unvalentine's Quiggle Plushie,
Unearth withered Heart Fruit Trees,
Unsay those unkind words,
That you unfairly spoke to me.
Untying the broken-hearted bow
On the Unvalentine's Gift Wrap,
If I uncover a torn-up Sweetheart Scroll,
I will unabashedly send it back.
Undeliver from my doorstep
The unwanted Wilting Flower Bouquet.
Your unthinking act of irony
Is unbearably cliche.
Why would I want these unpresents
When unloved is how I feel?
I do not understand this unholiday
And what it unintentionally reveals.
Unhappy day, Unvalentine's,
For you can not unring this bell.
You may think it hip to mock me,
But my friend, I wish you well.
Sloth was evil, this was true,
But what was this cunning Doctor to do?
On Valentine's Day, always minus one,
How in Neopia would he manage to have any fun?
"Aha!" he exclaimed, his eyes all aglow,
"I'll take over Neopia, a sure way to go!"
Down to the Station he ran in a huff,
into the Musical klutz room full of evil guy stuff.
You see, this day had Sloth in a funk;
He was so very lonely, who would have thunk?
So in order to fill that gap in his heart,
he pulled out a gadget, state of the art.
Oh no, oh my, oh dear, what to do?
A gadget more evil than Neopet V.2!
A de-valentinator, device of sure doom,
Stored at his mother's, in his childhood room.
He'd waited for this since the young age of ten --
that was when the whole Valentine hatred began.
No Valentines for the little green boy,
No chocolates, no flowers, not even a toy.
Sloth remembered those nightmares with fright;
He had to end this, before it was night!
He readied the pod, and packed a food treat,
but little did he know just who he'd soon meet.
The pod took off into space at great speed,
but a shape in the distance caused Sloth great heed:
A glittering lady, a winged apparition
showing nary a sign of submission.
"Drat that Space Faerie!" Sloth cried with disdain.
"It appears from this mission I'll have to abstain!"
The faerie chased him back to the Space Station;
Was there no day he could have world domination?
Sloth fell on his bed with a shrug and a sigh,
A lonely, green mutant, evil doctor type guy.
"I hate this day; it brings nothing but tears!
Bah Humbug, I must try again for next year's!"
Jhudora's Anti-Valentines Day
Once a year it rolls around,
This pathetic joke of a holiday.
And all of Neopia gets excited
To simply throw their Neopoints away.
They dress up and they decorate,
In all these pink and frilly designs.
And all the while I sit back and glare,
Disgusted they've all lost their minds.
So away I go to try and hide,
Though avoiding the population is hard.
I can't escape my adoring public,
As they flood me with gift and cards.
I throw them away, I turn them to ashes,
Yet still these cruel intrusions occur.
The gifts pollute my dark domain,
And despite everything, they still recur.
All the pink and hearts and love,
Poison my eyes and my Cloud.
And so I developed my own idea,
On how to express my hatred aloud.
Their paper hearts? I made them black.
And I made their flowers all die.
Their candy I filled with my poison,
Of which I unleashed a monstrous supply.
Yet still through all the effort I exert,
Despite the havoc that I unchained?
All of Neopia continues to celebrate
As if not a single thing had changed.
So I created my own dark celebration,
And that's all I have to say.
Be prepared, Neopia, forget the love,
Because this year it's Anti-Valentine's Day.
Hanging Valentines around my Neohome,
Hearts made of paper, cardboard, and foam.
Tear them down and rip them in half.
Break in two, my heart-shaped staff.
My pets get nervous and clean up the mess.
They don't know what causes my distress.
Valentine's Day is drawing near.
And Cupid's arrow is like a spear.
I'm an a big time anti-Valentine.
My cards say, "Oh please, don't be mine."
My heart is smaller than even Sloth's.
My style is the darkest goth.
Wilted bouquets and gothic garland,
I paint roses black and take a stand.
Unhappy Un-Valentine's day to everyone.
Rip up the hearts and block out the sun.
Turn away Sweetheart Grams and anything pink.
Distract yourself so you don't think
Of how your Valentine forgot to say
Anything happy about Valentine's Day.
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